- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
**Wow, I did not intend for this to end up so long! It turned out to be sort of a carthartic vent.**
So I have decided that I am having a family-only wedding for a few reasons. One is that I do not feel comfortable with some of my friends anymore to have them be witness to this special occasion.
A couple of these are past roommates with whom I felt some type of bond (we had similar values and shared our Christian faith, so we had that special connection in that aspect). But looking back at our friendship however, there was an undercurrent of snobbiness, selfishness, and that sense of “mean girl-ness” on their part that I was too naive and socially unequipped too deal with at that time. This was at the beginning of college and I did not have the highest self-esteem back then so in a lot of ways I just took a lot of the insiduous verbal abuse.
For instance, a lot of mean, disparaging comments were made to me in that off-handed, “I’m just kidding” sort of way. One particular snide remark I remember to this day was made to me about how I was too goofy/silly to have a serious boyfriend. (I never really understand how she came to that harsh conclusion – sure, yes I was not afraid to show my silly side with these girls, but it was because I trusted them enough (mistakenly) to open up to them like that. Normally I am actually pretty reserved and have been called mature by many other people.) Now I can see that this girl had some stuck-up tendencies like criticizing others to make her feel better about her own insecurities. However, at the time she was someone I kind of looked up to in a sense, so it stung when she said that to me.
They were all-in-all good people, but this behavior hurt. A lot of the hurt is due to the fact that I opened up to them emotionally in lot of ways that in retrospect, I shouldn’t have because of their untrustworthiness, but again, I had low self-esteem back them, tended to wear my heart on my sleeve, and unfortunately just didn’t know that much better. Although we spent a lot of time together, I don’t feel they got to know the real me that well.It’s been two years out of college, I haven’t spent a lot of time with them since (although we keep in touch to say hi and update each other on our lives from time to time through phone/email) and I think they still carry around this some of the same, slightly disparaging perception of me/superior attitude towards me.
As a Christian I’m working on the trust, forgiveness, and relational issues brought up by experiences like this. But bottom line is that I don’t want these types of friends at my wedding! These particular friends can be kind of nosy and a little pushy…they are basically unaware of all of the reflecting I have done on our friendship and may be surprised at not being invited, which might make it awkward.
Other reasons I want to have a family only ceremony: I am a very shy, private person, esp. when it comes to family/romantic relationship matters, and I envision my wedding to be a really personal and intimate occasion. (There are people in my life that I wouldn’t mind being there, but most of them don’t live locally and might not be able to come anyway. And if I invite them, I would also have to invite people like the former roommates in order to not blatantly offend). I also get very self-conscious and don’t do well being the center of attention, handling crowds, etc.
I am Asian but will be having an American ceremony (My Fi is Caucasian and is completely ok with having a family only wedding btw). My parents are immigrants and it might be a little awkward emotionally for them to not have their only daughter being married in their native culture. They are not super comfortable in front of large groups of people as well, and having a family only ceremony would be ideal to make us all at ease anyways.
So I was wondering if anybody out there has had similar experiences or feelings about not wanting certain people at your wedding? Any advice on how to handle comments I might get from them and people in general who might be surprised/offended that that I’m having a family only wedding?