Post # 1
I’m having my second wedding meltdown of the day! My parents, who are footing the bill, are hellbent on having my nephew be part of my FI’s groom’s party. I don’t have a specific issue with having my nephew be part of the FI’s party, OTHER than the issue of RESPECT! I don’t feel it’s my place to tell my FI who to add into his party, and he feels mutually about my party. I’ve explained this to my parents several times.
Tonight I was basically attacked by my father, yelling at me about my nephew, and then when I told him AGAIN, it’s not my decision, he hung up on me. My mother then called a few minutes later, and I explained to her what happened, and add insult to injury she asked why my nephew can’t be in the party, as if she had never previously had the conversation with me, and as if she hadn’t even listened to my anxiety over the call with my father.
Bees, how do you deal with pushy parents? Have you dealt with this? Is it standard to have nieces and nephews in the wedding parties? Is it the end of the world if not? Just as an aside…my niece is in my party. I’m close to her and I’m super excited for it. On the other hand, my nephew has met my FI once and the nephew makes no effort to keep in touch (I’m in NJ, they are in FL). Any advice and/or thoughs appreciated!
Post # 3
We need a bit more information. How old are the niece and nephew? Do you have any other nieces and nephews? Or if they are adults, do you have brothers/sisters in the bridal party?
I’m guessing they’re both young and the niece is a flower girl. I’m also guessing the nephew’s parents have been complaining to your parents: “Why is their child in the wedding but not ours?”. Personally, if he is a young boy, I say suck it up and make him a ring bearer, because he doesn’t need to interact with your FI much (or at all). Flower girls and ring bearers aren’t really part of the bridal party in that sense. But it is most inappropriate for him as an adult to be demanding to be a groomsman.
My parents (mostly) paid and weren’t pushy at all. They did make some guest list requests, which we compromised on. Like I said, I think a ring bearer is a fairly small compromise.
In my experience: It is common for young nieces and nephews to be flower girls or ring bearers. It is uncommon to have them as bridesmaids/groomsmen, because they don’t tend to be among the bride’s/groom’s closest friends. (Even if they are adults, usually other family members tend to be closer to the bride/groom).
Post # 4
A bridal party should be made up of people that are close to the bride/groom. I don’t really get why your parents would expect the nephew to be included. Being that the average age of a bride is about 27 last I checked, I don’t think including nephews as a groomsman is any kind of “tradition” since most wouldn’t have adult nieces/nephews.
Post # 5
On the first issues, I think just because your nephew is a boy doesn’t mean the he there for your Fi party. The wedding party should be people important to you guys from both of your lives. For example my twin borther is a groomsman. While he gets along great with my Fi, we are long distance so they havent spent that much time together and don’t have a deep relationship. So while he is techinally a groomsman he in the wedding party for me.Personally I think you and your Fi are being kind of petty, if you truly had no reason for wanting him in the wedding party it would be one thing. But standing on it because of “respect” I think its a flimsy reason and you guys should pick your battles wisely so your wedding doesn’t become one big giant fight. I do think your Dad was out of line
Second Since you mentioned if money is part of the factor, when mom and dad are writing checks it means having to bend a little more then you normally would if you guys were writing the checks. I would hope your parents aren’t holding the money above your head or provding too much strings.
I would sit down and address these issues, then decided can you live with the conditions set for the money? If you can’t then perhaps it’s best to say no thank you to them.
Post # 6
My niece is 20 and my nephew is 18. My niece will be a BM b/c we are close. I’m horrified my parents keep bringing this issue up…it’s embarrasing to me now, and my FI is surprised that my parents are acting this way.
Post # 7
@Bhotel21: Could you maybe include him on your side? In the UK we have ushers which are usually one person from the bride’s side, and one from the groom’s side. They are usually at the door greting guests that are arriving and directing them to their seats.
Post # 8
@Bhotel21: What the… I really did not expect that. Well that’s messed up on their part. He is an ADULT. He doesn’t need mommy and daddy (or aunty and uncle) begging to be in the bridal party. If he thinks he should be in the bridal party, he should ask FI himself. (Which by the way would be rude too, but at least it would show they have a relationship).
I would dig my heels in on this, Offer to compromise in other areas perhaps, but your parents are being ridiculous. As the poster above says, usher might be a good compromise. But spell it out to your parents: the groomsmen are the guys closest to the groom, they are the ones who get ready with him on the day and support him on the day (just like the bridesmaids with you). Having an in-law member he hardly knows makes no sense. Even if the niece is his sister it makes no sense – I’ve been to lots and lots and lots of weddings where a girl is a BM and her brother is not a GM,
Post # 9
I would also like to add in, my nephew has not come to me asked to be in the groom’s party. My nephew is an easy going guy. He probably has no idea my parents are trying to force him into the groom’s party. It’s weird and completely ridiculous. This is why I’m blown away and having a very difficult time just giving into them.
Post # 10
Heck no, I wouldn’t give in to that. It would be one thing if we were talking about a kid to be used as ring-bearer, but a grown man trying to be forced into the grooms side of the wedding party, NO!
I don’t at all think you are being petty or silly, this is your FI’s decision, it would be unfair to force him to exclude someone he is actually close to just so your nephew can be something.
How about offering for your nephew to be an usher or do a reading.
Post # 11
My nephew is an easy going guy. He probably has no idea my parents are trying to force him into the groom’s party
Why don’t you call your nephew up and explain to him the situation (say you love him but it’s not your place to force your FI to include someone he doesn’t know on his side or somthing to that effect). If he’s reasonable maybe he can call up your parents and tell them that he doesn’t even want to be in the wedding party? Or you can tell your parents after you talk to him. That way you can tell your parents that he doesn’t even want to be in the party!
Post # 12
If you want to be the one in control, pay for the wedding yourself. Otherwise, just let it go.
Post # 13
Sorry OP, but in my opinion, if you are not paying for the wedding, then you are going to have to acquiesce to some of the things your parents want in the wedding. You should find out what is going to be required before you go ahead and take money from your parents. If there are things you can’t compromise on then you should start thinking about footing your own bill.
I like the idea of trying to compromise by having him as an usher. I would look into that if I were you.
Post # 14
@Bhotel21: I agree with some of the other bees. If you aren’t paying for the wedding, you should probably suck it up and let your nephew be in the wedding party. Making him an usher would be a perfect way to include him and make your parents happy without forcing your groom to make him a groomsman.