Post # 1
I’ve seen a few similar posts on this topic but here’s my situation:
We’re getting married in 2014 and it’s always been assumed by my fiancé and future MILthat his sister will be bridesmaid. I haven’t even asked my 2 friends i want just yet and MIL talks about it all the time. I expressed my concern with my fiancé but after a long conversation he also wants her as bridesmaid. Im annoyed that the assumption has been made as although I get on with my FSIL we’re not close and I personally only want my friends as bridesmaids.
I have two brothers and they are not included in the wedding party and neither would I expect them to be – the groomsmen are the grooms choice.it was never even considered by my fiance thinks its different with the bridal party. He has two brothers also and is only having one as an usher.
I really don’t know what to do about this – any thoughts/advice? Can’t get it out of my mind!
Post # 3
I find it interesting that your SO had/has a vision of the bridal party… when I asked mine if he’d like his sister in ours, he said it would be nice to ask her, but that she probably wouldn’t be interested because she has been a bridesmaid many times over.
Would a compromise work? I am a bridesmaid in a wedding next summer, and the bride really wanted her brother to be a groomsman, even though he’s in his mid-teens. She told her fiance that it was very important to her, and he agreed to do that for her… so long as his sister was a member of the bridal party. His sister is not interested in the wedding, planning, or parties, but she remains a bridal party member because of the groom.
If you went this route, and wanted one of your brothers in the wedding, you could approach it by saying something like “I know that it means a lot for you to have your sister play an active role in our wedding, and I feel the same way about my brother”.
Post # 4
I don’t understand why he would expect/assume that his sister will stand up for you when he isn’t asking your brother(s)?
I suppose at the end of the day, you have to decide if this is a battle you want to fight based on how many bridesmaids you want and who else you want other than her.
Perhaps if you don’t want her to be a BM, you could gently suggest another “important” role for her, like a reading during the ceremony, etc?
Post # 5
If siblings are included in the wedding party, then ALL siblings are included in the wedding party. I agree that you should include FSIL, but your FI should absolutely include your brothers. Period. The only reason that FI and I aren’t including siblings is because we’re having a tiny wedding with only one attendant each, but if we went any bigger than that, then we’d both be having each others’ siblings – in our circle, it’s just expected.
Post # 6
Thanks for your replies!
The dilemma is still ever present in my mind and I really dont know what to do. I was recently at a renewal of vows ceremony with the fiances family and his Mum said that it’s strange that he isn’t including his brother who lives in Oz. his sister piped up and said “yeah especially as im bridesmaid and the other brother is an usher”. Bear in mind that I haven’t actually asked her as yet!! My response was that it isn’t strange as my brothers aren’t included, only for his Mum to say that it’s different when it comes to my family.
This comment really upset me and although I couldn’t say much at the time, I did later tell my fiancé who said just to forget about it as he knows his mum is opinionated.
We said we’d ask his other brother and my brothers to do a reading and this is fine by me, but why can’t we ask his sister to do the same??? Is it too late now she’s made the assumption?? Should I just keep the peace, yet not be happy that I have to have her In my bridal party?
This is one of many very frustrating dilemmas with the MIL, one of which we’ve already overcome but who knows what will happen between now and July 2014!! I’m just glad they live a couple of hours away!
AnY further advice/words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
Post # 7
Remember that his family will become your family after you’re married and if his mom is difficult like you say then you’ll NEVER hear the end of this if you don’t use her as a bridesmaid.
Some battles are worth winning and others aren’t. I am not one to give in to ANYONE if I don’t want to, but in this case I would just suck it up to not have to deal with the repercussions for possibly the remainder of my life.
Post # 8
How old is his sister?? Is she 16 and just SUPER excited to be in the wedding? It is very awkward for you that they just decided this was happening. Is your FI’s family paying for the wedding??
In all honesty, if it was just the MIL I would not have her be a part of it out of principal. It is very unfair that they have decided this for you. But because this is something important for your FI I would include her as long as he included one of your brothers in his bridal party.
How many people are you having in the bridal party?? If you each add 1 family member (his sister and your brother) or each side it will still be balanced and you can still have the girls you want up there with you!
Post # 9
She’s 19, will be 21 and never been a bridesmaid and the MIL even said before we got engaged that she has to be BM as its her only opportunity. This isn’t the case though as she has loads of friends PLUS a twin brother!! I did say a long time ago that IF she is a BM then she will not be nowhere near as involved as the others. There are times when I just think go ahead with it to keep the peace, but days like today when I’ve had time alone relaxing it comes back into my head and makes me realise how unhappy/annoyed I am with the situation.
I only really want 2 of my closest friends as BMs athey FI is having his best man plus 4 ushers so it’s already unbalanced anyway, but that doesn’t bother me. My FI asked them all before he even proposed!!
We wouldn’t be able to choose One of my brothers though – it would be both or none.
As fOr money, we are very fortunate in that his parents are giving us £5k (and have already tried to use that reason for having things there way), but my parents are also giving us £5k and buying my dress yet have made zero demands.
I know that my mum is also a bit upset by the MIL/BM situation too seeing asy brothers aren’t included, yet she never expected them to be.
Post # 10
Why is he so opposed to having your two brothers if you add his sister?? Then it will be three on each side which is a great number and everyone is happy??
Post # 11
He already has 5 grooms men (best man plus 4 ushers) so that would make it 7 to 3! It was silly of him to ask them before he proposed especially as things change so much.
Post # 12
Honestly, don’t ask anyone yet. And if people ask, just say “I haven’t decided yet. It’s way too early.” This is something that can be dealt with later. Plus, relationships can change a lot in 2 years. A lot of people don’t recommend asking until 6 months to a year before the wedding. It tends to bring less drama.
Post # 13
@Beachy83: Your FMIL is right about the fact that your family is different! As your parents have chipped in the same amount of money and bought your dress, their wishes should be equally as important
If it were me, I’d let her be a bridesmaid and try not to let it bother you. However, I would have a chat with my FMIL (ideally your FI should but it sounds like he doesn’t stand up to her) and explain to her that you’re letting this happen but that you would appreciate it if she would treat you as the adult that you are and let you make decisions for yourself.
If your FI is having 5 attendants total, how about adding your brothers to your side of the party? Numbers are then even, and you’ve included your family as well!