Post # 1
My mother in law has made it very clear she’s excited to be a grandma from the day I met her. My husband and I would love nothing more than to make her a grandma as we can’t wait to be parents ourselves and have been TTC since the month we got married last fall. 4 chemical pregnancies later we know something isn’t right so we’ve been under the care of my OB getting tested. We found out what is most likely the problem and have a great game plan going forward for this next cycle, so baby making is in the works (this stuff takes time, always waiting for something while TTC, right?). Well, my mother in law will not stop asking how baby making is going every time she talks to or sees my husband. He doesn’t really seem bothered by it because he knows she just cares, but the constant inquiries are making me crazy. I feel like she’s putting so much pressure on us by constantly asking about it, when I simply wish she would just back off because we’re doing everything we can. We want to have a baby more than anything, but stressing me out and putting pressure on me isn’t helping.
For example, this past month I received a message from her that she noticed at a baby shower earlier that day I did not partake in drinking mimosas so she wanted to know if I had a secret to tell her (aka wondering if I was pregnant). I wanted to scream “NO we are not pregnant yet, but thanks for the reminder!” but instead found the nicest response I could conjure up and said that we were not pregnant, but prayers were appreciated for us and when we are, our families will be the very first to know. Days later she’s asking how baby making is going again. Today she told my husband that she has been researching progesterone (in keeping her informed in her many inquiries my husband said my OB prescribed me progesterone as this is probably the main reason we’re been miscarrying) and wants to make sure I know that is something I need to start taking before I actually get pregnant. I feel like she is belittling me. Next she’ll be offering to join us in the bedroom to make sure we’re doing it right! (A complete exaggeration of course, but I wouldn’t necessarily be surprised if she offered!)
I’m not quite sure how to handle her anymore and I surely do not want to say anything to push her away. Have any of you dealt with family pressure during TTC? I have ignored it all not wanting to stress myself out during this time, but the pressure is getting ridiculous. My family on the other hand, is so understanding and respect that I’ll tell them news when I have it and in the meantime because they don’t pressure me I feel more comfortable to discuss it openly with them. I can only pray the next BFP we get is a very sticky baby and we go on to have a healthy pregnancy sooner than later so maybe I can just avoid dealing with this situation?!
Post # 2
lastlastfirst: Im sorry but right now you NEED to push her away! This is ridiculous….its NONE of her business and she should not be asking these things…..
Your DH needs to be the one to address this NOW! Does she realize she could be adding to the fact your having issues? our bodies are excellent at self defense and a lot of people who are under stress/pressure…our bodies wont let anything happen it doesnt feel we can handle. Bottom line I would be FREAKING out at my DH if his family was doing this and she needs a wake-up call before ou end up with the nightmare MIL who insists on being in the delivery room videotaping…WTF is she going to be like during when you DO get pregnant! Your DH needs to have a chat about boundaries or your going to be in hell!
My jaw was dropped the whole post!! seriously….
Honestly if she has no problems making you uncomfortable then do the same to her…. start thinking of some “fun” sexual comebacks you can give her when she asks how its going… I mean really if my MIL said that to me all the time I would be so mad I’d look at her and say…”you mean has your son been sticking his throbing ____ in my _____? yes he has… this morning was pretty vigorous. Would you like me to text you each time so you can keep your own chart?”
lol……. I know….thats a bit much haha but I would say something fairly similar to at least make her eyes bug out and make her think twice about asking again 😉
Post # 3
Holy inappropriateness, MIL! I’d tell her that every time she asks becomes a reminder that you have not yet conceived, and it stresses you out…and maybe throw in that Dr says stress could be #1 thing preventing pregnancy. A little truth-stretching won’t hurt her.
Honestly, I love lastlastfirst’s reply, and that would likely be the route I would take…though not til I’d asked several times and she refuses to quit.
Another idea- every time she asks, turn it around and ask her how often she had sex while trying to conceive, what positions she used, ask if her vagina felt worn out after so much sex! She’ll likely be mortified and say the question is highly inappropriate. Just tell her she’s asking the she stuff, but in a different way.
Post # 4
Have you and your DH spoken directly to her about the subject? Sometimes being nice and dancing around the topic just doesn’t work.
” ___ and I have something we need to discuss with you. We know you love us and we know you will love your grandchildren when we have a family. In the meantime, it is very stressful when you repeatedly bring up the subject of pregnancy. We know you are just trying to help, but it is in fact hurtful, not helpful. We are asking you drop the subject. We will let you know as soon as possible when we are successfully pregnant.”
Post # 5
af123: haha thats a good one asking her how it was …. that reminded me of the other night when DH said his “stuff” was feeling a bit worn and he was gonna break out the magic bag that was in the freezer LOL…. <br />thats it!!! OP tell her that her son is having to ice his walnuts HAHAHAHA
Seriously though I have had several friends be unable to conceive because they were too stressed out in their life…lastlastfirst:
The doctors did a bit of an assessment and told them the mom-to-be needs to get her stress levels down or else it probably wouldnt happen. A friend tried for 3 years stressing out about it and finally when they said eff it… lets just stop trying/take a break she got pregnant soon after. Not to be rude to your DH but a) it doesnt matter if what she says doesnt doesnt bug HIM….YOUR the one who’s getting pregnant here not him! b) how can he not understand why what shes saying is a violation of privacy….maybe put him in your shoes and ask him how’d he’d feel if your mother wanted him to talk about “how much he was doing his part” …. I mean thats basically asking “are you humping like rabbits and unleashing your load in my daughter?” lol Im soooo sorry thats crude as hell but its true…. it is what it is no matter how “sweetly you ask it” and its so gross….NO one especially a mother should be asking a couple how baby making is going…EVER!
Post # 6
Thanks for your input ladies and for some giggles too 🙂
I have to be honest, my MIL is very sweet and I’ve been telling myself she just asks all the time because she cares. She doesn’t come to me to talk about the specifics, she always goes to my husband and he doesn’t really see anything wrong with her asking all the time so he always appeased her inquiries with the same old responses “we’re trying….” I’m very open with my husband and he sees why I feel the way I do, but he’s also used to how his family is, very in your business all the time, and he doesn’t want to start any issues. I can only ignore it for so long though and going into my June cycle we’re really going all in with medications and everything…stress is not part of my protocol. Part of me wishes I was closer to her so I felt more comfortable to say something to her, but the way she is acting only makes me not want to deal with her. It won’t stop unless someone tells her otherwise though and until this point, my husband and I haven’t told her not to. It’s not that it’s such a sensitive topic that we don’t want to talk about it or that we don’t want to include her in what’s going on…I just wish she’d realize that when we have news to tell, she’ll be one of the first to know. Feeling torn.
Post # 7
lastlastfirst: well my DH is the same as yours (close family, always in eachothers business….doesnt want to make waves). He’s tried to find certain ways of approaching things without directly saying it (instead of saying “NO we wont be doing that”, or “you shouldnt be ______) he finds a way to word things so its like planting a seed…. maybe be telling a “story of a friend who had a horrible experience tying to get pregnant because ___).
Im not sure what would really wor in this situation without being obvious… but I’m in theboat with you…. my IL’s are nice people but they can be too much at times and DH “knows how they operate” and we cant directly address certain things because it will only cause drama and freakouts….. ugh!
If I think of anything I’ll let you know… but I do thnk something needs to be addressed because this will only be the tip of the iceberg once there’s an actual baby!
Post # 8
lastlastfirst: If she doesn’t come to you, but always goes to your husband, can you not simply ask him not to repeat her comments to you? What you don’t know can’t hurt you.
Post # 9
Why dont you (or your DH), next time she brings it up, just say what you’ve said on here? You dont have to be rude, crude (although that would be hilarious) or offputting, just say “I know you’re so excited ot be a grandma, and trust me, I want to have a baby more than anything. But everytime it’s brought up, it’s just another reminder that I’m not pregnant, and its really hard for me. I promise you will be the first to know when I’m pregnant, but for now, can we just not talk about it for a little while?”
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
lastlastfirst: Plan a big vacation for next year some time; you don’t have to really plan it if you can’t afford it but make it something great (we’re going to Europe for two weeks this fall). Tell your MIL that you taking a break from TTC until you’re on that trip or after that trip. It’s definitely lying but it should get her off your back for the next year.
Or you can be totally honest and let her know that you are having some trouble TTC and that while you’re getting help from a doctor, it will take longer than you had initially anticipated to get pregnant and that you appreciate it if she would back off on the baby talk and pregnancy questions for a little while.
Post # 11
shanbp: It’s so nice to relate to someone! Our IL situations seem to be very similar. My DH never wants to cause waves but I think his family sweeps too much under the rug when certain things just simply need to be addressed. I really thought in my responses to her inquiries I was finding nice ways to say back off with comments like “not yet, but our families will be the first to know” implying stop asking, we’ll tell you when it happens. I’m nervous to push the issue that something needs to be said with my DH because I have a feeling it would cause drama…his family tends to make a mountain out of a mole hill. You’re right though, if boundries aren’t set now things may only get worse once we actually have a baby. If you think of anything, let me know! 🙂
Post # 12
lastlastfirst: well the thing is… sometimes the nice approach doesnt work when you have people with strong personalities! The one thing you have to remember is yes they are nice people but in the end they are just like everyone else and WILL try to get their way to whatever pleases them…. and if you are submissive/pushpver/dont stand up for yourself… they will know they can do/say whatever they like and no one will do anything about it. This is not a good thing for when it comes time to deal with certin things in regards to your children and even issues in your marriage!
If your DH has never had to have a “firm hand” with them ever and then all of a sudden something serious comes up and its like oh dear god we NEED to talk to them…. they will be shocked and appauled and kick up and even bigger fuss “why all of a sudden NOW is there a problem”… where-as if you start small with things such as inquiring about certain things that are considered a personal matter… it will help them to understand that there are going to be things come up that are just “your business” as husband and wife! WE’ve had a lot of issues come up in regards to this already but its been with money…….
My IL’s are from italy so believe me……mount everest is made out of a pebble! lol oooooooooooh the stories I could tell
question is DH father in the picture? one thing with my DH is that his mom is actually the “more” reasonable one and FIL is the IN YO FACE crazy-person and one thing that sometimes works is talking to his mom and explaining “our side” and she’ll usually get the point and then sometimes smack FIL up side the head…. lol (figuratively)
Post # 13
shanbp: You bring up a lot of valid points. My MIL definitely has a very strong personality; she is very independant and very much likes to be in control. DH’s parents are divorced so there’s really no one to ground her (FIL is very loving and supportive so no issue there). DH doesn’t really like to stir things up so he usually just agrees to disagree with her. When people do have a different opinion that she does, she definitely sounds like your IL’s…Mt Everest out of a Pebble 🙂 I can only imagine the stories you have to tell!
I have to remind myself how nice she is about most everything else and she’s always offering help. She definitely wants her son to be as successful as he can so she expects the best for him. I must note that she’s also very judgmental and I’m pretty sensitive, so add in our TTC issues to the mix and I feel like I must be an embarassment of a DIL because I can’t give her a grandchild as quickly and effortlessly as she’d like regardless of how my DH exclaims he’s happier than he’s ever been.
Post # 14
awe thats too bad FIL isnt with her, that can help sometimes :s
yup lol…a lot of people have similar inlaws… I always tell my husband its not that I dont like your family, thats not the case….but at the same time that doesnt give them the excuse to take advantage of a situation because they know no one will say anything. My IL’s are the same way they love DH alomst TOO much and want the best for him and to be successful and have everything, but at the same time…. like your MIL mine are very judgmental in certain ways. They have a very traditional italian household where cooking and cleaning is “womens job” and if I basically dont cook “proper meals” and have this and that done I get the “raised eyebrows”.
The thing is our DH’s saying its better to not make waves is PARTIALLY because they simply dont want to because frankly talking to our parents about “rules or boundaries” is uncomfortable! I mean when we do that were kind of reversing roles in that WE are now making the rules (not some 17 yr old teenager with a curfew) so some people kind of view it as “demeaning” their parents when its not. The relationship between adult children and parents needs to have rules because its a new dynamic….in reality they raised you and they will have a hard time hearing these things but it equally as hard for (mostly men) to have to say certain things to their moms, and people do almost anythng to avoid that awkward confrontation (because it IS awkward), but leaving it is not healthy either. If someone is overstepping they need to know otherwise your just enabling their behavior (continue to grow/snowball into other things)…I say this having a DH who told me on our honeymoon when we had an argument about the “fact his parents have no boundaries that we will never be having that talk” because they will freak and will have to deal with things as they come…so Im trying to find ways around it.
I mean right now were TTC and NO ONE in our family knows and they wont know until im 3 months (neither of our parents can keep a secret even if you have a gun to their head saying dont tell) ha for all they kow its years away. Anyways I like to plant seeds/drop hints about future things even when its “far away”… like for ex: I told MIL a story a while ago about my friend who just had a baby and she was so overwhelmed (with hormones etc) and they got bombarded by family right away and she ended up in her bathroom on the floor crying…and I said I dont want that ever to happen to me, she said it was awful…..lol MIL was like “oh wow that does sound bad”…. so when the time comes during pregnancy and its close I’ll be bringing up my wishes for what I want for privacy the first week etc… I can site all the advice I’ve gottin (mentioning the ones Ive told her about, and reminding her she agreed “ya totally”)… stuff like that.
I mean in terms of judgyness just a few weeks ago we were at IL’s house and they had a “guest” (some random guy FIL met at the italian club he invited to dinner) and he started in on all this stuff (FIL) about “how its so diff here in canada and its not like italy where people do things for eachother the same way…and how in italy we make proper dinner not just go and pick up stuff at store pre-made and slap it on plate, and no one use this (pointing to the tablecloth) they just use mats and bullshyte like that” anyways he went on and on….
ya…basically everything he touched on just so happened to be things DH and I do…or rather “I do” because Im the “women”….its like in my mind excuse me? eff you! hats the thing they are VERY blunt sometimes and I’m sensitive…I grew up in a house where my father and stepfather respected women in a much diff way and I have NO TIME for that crap. It does take most of my strength most days to not flip out on him but I tend to try to suck it up when Im in their home. When they are in MY home? heh…thats diff… I told DH I wont put up with any shyte in our house (luckily they tend to behave at our place…so far) but more or less when we’re not on their turf I speak my mind and I told DH your going ot have to get used to it because Im not a pushover nor will I be “just to please them”.
My MIL is as nice as can be too (most days) and offers to help me with things but you have to remember it doesnt give them a license to run the show! There are a lot of times when we smile and nod and “pretend agree” to thngs just to shut them up but in the end you do it your way.
She also has no right to make you feel like an embarassment of a DIL and you shouldnt feel that way AT ALL….you have no control over this and it will happen when your body is ready not when MIL wants it….. if anything your a saint for not exploding on her already!
Post # 15
lastlastfirst: I am going to tell you right now that you and your husband need to tell her to back off a little bit. Nicely, of course. Because if and when you do get your BFP and you’re dealing with throwing up, fatigue, constipation, headaches, bleeding, skin changes like stretch marks, weight gain, etc. etc. etc, the LAST thing you are going to want is your MIL, mom, grandma, anyone to be like, “Don’t eat that piece of feta!” “Are the doctors watching your weight?” “How many naps are you taking?” “Don’t take Tylenol.” “Are you exercising?” “Don’t lift that!”
As nice as she is, I can see your MIL continuing to stress you out throughout your pregnancy. My MIL was excited for my pregnancy too, and she made it the most miserable experience for me, and it wasn’t until the last few months that she backed off because she and I finally got into it. I am not saying your MIL will technically do it the same way mine did, but sometimes their excitement gets stressful…and borders on overbearing.
But I can see your MIL, after you do successfully get pregnant, making sure she is involved. You are going to want time to yourself and your husband. I hope she can at least respect that.