Family Pressure

posted 3 years ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

lastlastfirst:  Im sorry but right now you NEED to push her away! This is ridiculous….its NONE of her business and she should not be asking these things…..

Your DH needs to be the one to address this NOW! Does she realize she could be adding to the fact your having issues? our bodies are excellent at self defense and a lot of people who are under stress/pressure…our bodies wont let anything happen it doesnt feel we can handle. Bottom line I would be FREAKING out at my DH if his family was doing this and she needs a wake-up call before ou end up with the nightmare MIL who insists on being in the delivery room videotaping…WTF is she going to be like during when you DO get pregnant! Your DH needs to have a chat about boundaries or your going to be in hell!

My jaw was dropped the whole post!! seriously….

Honestly if she has no problems making you uncomfortable then do the same to her…. start thinking of some “fun” sexual comebacks you can give her when she asks how its going… I mean really if my MIL said that to me all the time I would be so mad I’d look at her and say…”you mean has your son been sticking his throbing ____ in my _____? yes he has… this morning was pretty vigorous. Would you like me to text you each time so you can keep your own chart?”

lol……. I know….thats a bit much haha but I would say something fairly similar to at least make her eyes bug out and make her think twice about asking again 😉

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  shanbp.
Post # 3
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

Holy inappropriateness, MIL! I’d tell her that every time she asks becomes a reminder that you have not yet conceived, and it stresses you out…and maybe throw in that Dr says stress could be #1 thing preventing pregnancy. A little truth-stretching won’t hurt her.

Honestly, I love lastlastfirst’s reply, and that would likely be the route I would take…though not til I’d asked several times and she refuses to quit.

Another idea- every time she asks, turn it around and ask her how often she had sex while trying to conceive, what positions she used, ask if her vagina felt worn out after so much sex! She’ll likely be mortified and say the question is highly inappropriate. Just tell her she’s asking the she stuff, but in a different way.

 

Post # 4
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have you and your DH spoken directly to her about the subject? Sometimes being nice and dancing around the topic just doesn’t work.

” ___ and I have something we need to discuss with you. We know you love us and we know you will love your grandchildren when we have a family. In the meantime, it is very stressful when you repeatedly bring up the subject of pregnancy.  We know you are just trying to help, but it is in fact hurtful, not helpful. We are asking you drop the subject. We will let you know as soon as possible when we are successfully pregnant.”

Post # 5
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

af123:  haha thats a good one asking her how it was …. that reminded me of the other night when DH said his “stuff” was feeling a bit worn and he was gonna break out the magic bag that was in the freezer LOL…. <br />thats it!!! OP tell her that her son is having to ice his walnuts HAHAHAHA

Seriously though I have had several friends be unable to conceive because they were too stressed out in their life…lastlastfirst:  

The doctors did a bit of an assessment and told them the mom-to-be needs to get her stress levels down or else it probably wouldnt happen. A friend tried for 3 years stressing out about it and finally when they said eff it… lets just stop trying/take a break she got pregnant soon after. Not to be rude to your DH but a) it doesnt matter if what she says doesnt doesnt bug HIM….YOUR the one who’s getting pregnant here not him! b) how can he not understand why what shes saying is a violation of privacy….maybe put him in your shoes and ask him how’d he’d feel if your mother wanted him to talk about “how much he was doing his part” …. I mean thats basically asking “are you humping like rabbits and unleashing your load in my daughter?” lol Im soooo sorry thats crude as hell but its true…. it is what it is no matter how “sweetly you ask it” and its so gross….NO one especially a mother should be asking a couple how baby making is going…EVER!

Post # 7
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

lastlastfirst:  well my DH is the same as yours (close family, always in eachothers business….doesnt want to make waves). He’s tried to find certain ways of approaching things without directly saying it (instead of saying “NO we wont be doing that”, or “you shouldnt be ______) he finds a way to word things so its like planting a seed…. maybe be telling a “story of a friend who had a horrible experience tying to get pregnant because ___).

Im not sure what would really wor in this situation without being obvious… but I’m in theboat with you…. my IL’s are nice people but they can be too much at times and DH “knows how they operate” and we cant directly address certain things because it will only cause drama and freakouts….. ugh!

If I think of anything I’ll let you know… but I do thnk something needs to be addressed because this will only be the tip of the iceberg once there’s an actual baby!

Post # 8
Member
42538 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

lastlastfirst:  If she doesn’t come to you, but always goes to your husband, can you not simply ask him not to repeat her comments to you? What you don’t know can’t hurt you.

Post # 9
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

Why dont you (or your DH), next time she brings it up, just say what you’ve said on here? You dont have to be rude, crude (although that would be hilarious) or offputting, just say “I know you’re so excited ot be a grandma, and trust me, I want to have a baby more than anything. But everytime it’s brought up, it’s just another reminder that I’m not pregnant, and its really hard for me. I promise you will be the first to know when I’m pregnant, but for now, can we just not talk about it for a little while?”

Post # 10
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

lastlastfirst:  Plan a big vacation for next year some time; you don’t have to really plan it if you can’t afford it but make it something great (we’re going to Europe for two weeks this fall).  Tell your MIL that you taking a break from TTC until you’re on that trip or after that trip.  It’s definitely lying but it should get her off your back for the next year.

Or you can be totally honest and let her know that you are having some trouble TTC and that while you’re getting help from a doctor, it will take longer than you had initially anticipated to get pregnant and that you appreciate it if she would back off on the baby talk and pregnancy questions for a little while.

Post # 12
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

lastlastfirst:  well the thing is… sometimes the nice approach doesnt work when you have people with strong personalities! The one thing you  have to remember is yes they are nice people but in the end they are just like everyone else and WILL try to get their way to whatever pleases them…. and if you are submissive/pushpver/dont stand up for yourself… they will know they can do/say whatever they like and no one will do anything about it. This is not a good thing for when it comes time to deal with certin things in regards to your children and even issues in your marriage!

If your DH has never had to have a “firm hand” with them ever and then all of a sudden something serious comes up and its like oh dear god we NEED to talk to them…. they will be shocked and appauled and kick up and even bigger fuss “why all of a sudden NOW is there a problem”… where-as if you start small with things such as inquiring about certain things that are considered a personal matter… it will help them to understand that there are going to be things come up that are just “your business” as husband and wife! WE’ve had a lot of issues come up in regards to this already but its been with money…….

My IL’s are from italy so believe me……mount everest is made out of a pebble! lol oooooooooooh the stories I could tell

question is DH father in the picture? one thing with my DH is that his mom is actually the “more” reasonable one and FIL is the IN YO FACE crazy-person and one thing that sometimes works is talking to his mom and explaining “our side” and she’ll usually get the point and then sometimes smack FIL up side the head…. lol (figuratively)

 

Post # 14
Member
2047 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

lastlastfirst: 

awe thats too bad FIL isnt with her, that can help sometimes :s

yup lol…a lot of people have similar inlaws… I always tell my husband its not that I dont like your family, thats not the case….but at the same time that doesnt give them the excuse to take advantage of a situation because they know no one will say anything. My IL’s are the same way they love DH alomst TOO much and want the best for him and to be successful and have everything, but at the same time…. like your MIL mine are very judgmental in certain ways. They have a very traditional italian household where cooking and cleaning is “womens job” and if I basically dont cook “proper meals” and have this and that done I get the “raised eyebrows”.

The thing is our DH’s saying its better to not make waves is PARTIALLY because they simply dont want to because frankly talking to our parents about “rules or boundaries” is uncomfortable! I mean when we do that were kind of reversing roles in that WE are now making the rules (not some 17 yr old teenager with a curfew) so some people kind of view it as “demeaning” their parents when its not. The relationship between adult children and parents needs to have rules because its a new dynamic….in reality they raised you and they will have a hard time hearing these things but it equally as hard for (mostly men) to have to say certain things to their moms, and people do almost anythng to avoid that awkward confrontation (because it IS awkward), but leaving it is not healthy either. If someone is overstepping they need to know otherwise your just enabling their behavior (continue to grow/snowball into other things)…I say this having a DH who told me on our honeymoon when we had an argument about the “fact his parents have no boundaries that we will never be having that talk” because they will freak and will have to deal with things as they come…so Im trying to find ways around it.

I mean right now were TTC and NO ONE in our family knows and they wont know until im 3 months (neither of our parents can keep a secret even if you have a gun to their head saying dont tell) ha for all they kow its years away. Anyways I like to plant seeds/drop hints about future things even when its “far away”… like for ex: I told MIL a story a while ago about my friend who just had a baby and she was so overwhelmed (with hormones etc) and they got bombarded by family right away and she ended up in her bathroom on the floor crying…and I said I dont want that ever to happen to me, she said it was awful…..lol MIL was like “oh wow that does sound bad”…. so when the time comes during pregnancy and its close I’ll be bringing up my wishes for what I want for privacy the first week etc… I can site all the advice I’ve gottin (mentioning the ones Ive told her about, and reminding her she agreed “ya totally”)… stuff like that.

I mean in terms of judgyness just a few weeks ago we were at IL’s house and they had a “guest” (some random guy FIL met at the italian club he invited to dinner) and he started in on all this stuff (FIL) about “how its so diff here in canada and its not like italy where people do things for eachother the same way…and how in italy we make proper dinner not just go and pick up stuff at store pre-made and slap it on plate, and no one use this (pointing to the tablecloth) they just use mats and bullshyte like that” anyways he went on and on….

ya…basically everything he touched on just so happened to be things DH and I do…or rather “I do” because Im the “women”….its like in my mind excuse me? eff you! hats the thing they are VERY blunt sometimes and I’m sensitive…I grew up in a house where my father and stepfather respected women in a much diff way and I have NO TIME for that crap. It does take most of my strength most days to not flip out on him but I tend to try to suck it up when Im in their home. When they are in MY  home? heh…thats diff… I told DH I wont put up with any shyte in our house (luckily they tend to behave at our place…so far) but more or less when we’re not on their turf I speak my mind and I told DH your going ot have to get used to it because Im not a pushover nor will I be “just to please them”.

My MIL is as nice as can be too (most days) and offers to help me with things but you have to remember it doesnt give them a license to run the show! There are a lot of times when we smile and nod and “pretend agree” to thngs just to shut them up but in the end you do it your way.

She also has no right to make you feel like an embarassment of a DIL and you shouldnt feel that way AT ALL….you have no control over this and it will happen when your body is ready not when MIL wants it….. if anything your a saint for not exploding on her already! 

Post # 15
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

lastlastfirst:  I am going to tell you right now that you and your husband need to tell her to back off a little bit. Nicely, of course. Because if and when you do get your BFP and you’re dealing with throwing up, fatigue, constipation, headaches, bleeding, skin changes like stretch marks, weight gain, etc. etc. etc, the LAST thing you are going to want is your MIL, mom, grandma, anyone to be like, “Don’t eat that piece of feta!” “Are the doctors watching your weight?” “How many naps are you taking?” “Don’t take Tylenol.” “Are you exercising?” “Don’t lift that!”

As nice as she is, I can see your MIL continuing to stress you out throughout your pregnancy. My MIL was excited for my pregnancy too, and she made it the most miserable experience for me, and it wasn’t until the last few months that she backed off because she and I finally got into it. I am not saying your MIL will technically do it the same way mine did, but sometimes their excitement gets stressful…and borders on overbearing.

But I can see your MIL, after you do successfully get pregnant, making sure she is involved. You are going to want time to yourself and your husband. I hope she can at least respect that.

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