Post # 1
Ok… So I’m planning a destination wedding and althought the planning process has been great in terms of my travel agent and the resort where we are getting married, my family has been a big downer on the whole planning process. Here’s the nutshell version:
Dad is sick and not financially fit. He probably shouldn’t travel and we have to pay to get him there; Mom is healthy and financially solvent but she has to rub her pennies together to make it happen. Sisters #1 and #2 are financially fit and can probably afford to help my parents get there but aren’t making any offers. Both of them are single parents and so have babysitter issue. Sister #1 says she’s coming though- provided work doesn’t get in the way- and it might. Sister #2 has declined to come but wants to pay for a private ceremony here instead. Little brother just enlisted – so I doubt the military will let him come so soon after he joining the military. There’s a lot more to it, but lets suffice it to say that My family has worried me half to death with all of their reasons why they don’t like the date and location my fiance and I picked because it is inconvenient, costly or what have you.
I’ve been told that it’s my wedidng and I should do what will make my Fiance and I happy – Well, this is what we want. And truth be told, I feel like my family has figured out a way to make my wedding more convenient for them and they have been very inconsiderate about how they’ve made me feel. Not that they don’t all love me and aren’t usually very supportive … but I haven’t been able to share the planning process with them or any of that because the conversation always turns to how unhappy they are. I feel like it’s been this dark cloud over my wedding.
But at the end of the day, I realized that the private ceremony in the city is probably a good idea- and why not let my sister pay for it? So I’m wondering, does it matter whether we have the private ceremony before or after the wedding in Jamaica? I don’t want my fiance to see my wedding gown till the weding in Jamaica so I was considering buying a cheaper, reception dress for the ceremony here. And is it cheeky to not have bridesmaids/groomsmen etc… in the ceremony here? There will be no flowergirl or ringbearer in Jamaica. Sister #2 was a bridesmaid until she decided not to come to Jamaica and I replaced her with my fiance’s sister. So it seems strange to me for her to be in the wedding in the city and not my fiance’s sister. But maybe I’m over thinking it…
Post # 3
@JBridalBird: Why don’t you do something in town that they can be a part of? Just a nice dinner or something simple.
I don’t want to come off as trashing destination weddings, but I thought the exotic trip for a bride and groom was called a “honeymoon.”
If you really truly want your family to be a part of it, there’s definitely a way. Even if you do a backyard BBQ reception. That way they can all be a part of your celebration AND it won’t cost you and arm and a leg! (unless it’s a LEG of lamb or something..)
Post # 4
I have to admit that this part made me scratch my head a bit:
“Dad is sick and not financially fit. He probably shouldn’t travel and we have to pay to get him there”
If your father is sick and should not be travelling, why on earth would you be planning a destination wedding and then complaining that he may not be able to attend for financial reasons? If he should not be travelling – then he should NOT be travelling! Am I missing something here?
Post # 5
Thanks for your honesty. I was trying not to be more long winded than I already was but here is the deal. My dad is not so sick that he can’t travel. He gets around slowly and has a strict diet because of he is a dialysis patient but our original thinking- and my dad confirmed this – was that he’d really like a trip to Jamaica. Also my sisters had originally agreed to help us pay to get him there. So even though he couldn’t afford it himself- we figure that if we could make it happen then it was a obstacle we over came.
And yes, I know that it’s incovenient. I respect that. But this isn’t some crapshoot idea we cooked up because we wanted to be difficult. My fiance and I had been talking about this for 2 years before we got engaged. And contrary to popular belief – destination weddings aren’t that expensive. At least ours isn’t. It would’ve cost us a lot more to rent a hall in the city. And I gave the whole family a year’s notice to plan for this. So I’m having difficulty understanding why my sisters who take cruises and vacations in and out of the country all the time are having such a problem with this. At first I thought my dad would be the hardest person to get there – but we’d worked it out. Maybe I being petty though…
The idea of the private ceremony doesn’t itself bother me honestly – I actually think it’s a good idea. But I was insulted when my sister said she wanted to use the money she would have used to come to my actual wedding to pay for a ceremony here, rather than just come to the wedding. But now we’re going to do it… just debating on the when and the how.
Post # 6
I was just in a similar situation. We really wanted to get married in Hawaii and went through so much planning… but then realized how much of a logistical nightmare it will be to get everyone there. So we decided to scrap that idea, get married here and honeymoon in Hawaii instead. At first I was kind of disappointed but now I’m SO excited and I can’t wait! I’m super happy that everyone will be able to come and celebrate with us and we’re not asking too much of them.
My first wedding was a destination wedding in Jamaica and the AI trip was ~$3,000/person. We had a lot of people decline because it was too expensive, but we expected that and understood.
Post # 7
Orchid, that makes sense and I’m glad that it all worked out for you. But as determined as I am to have the wedding in Jamaica, my fiance is twice that. So I couldn’t change it if I wanted to. I just want to get married on the beach. My heart is set on it. I made my peace with the fact that some people won’t come because of where it is. But we are going to have an engagement party here one week before the wedding. A lot of people can come and it will be like a send off before the wedding. We wanted a small wedding on the beach so it looks like we’ll get about 20 guests at the actual ceremony, 50 at the party in the city.
My fiance, and other people who know me, say that I try to please my family too much and I shouldn’t be doing that with my wedding. For some reason, I always wind up in situations where I wanted one thing and another happens. And I want to be considerate, and I want my family there, but I don’t want my wedding to become someone else’s. That’s all. But the private ceremony is going to happen and I think it will be nice.
Post # 8
Destination weddings are always like this. Just keep planning because it is what you want. Whoever can make it will and whoever doesn’t oh well. My fiance wanted a destination wedding and when I pointed out that none of his family would be able to make it he didn’t care, and I think you may have to adopt this same “I don’t care if you come or not” attitude.
Post # 9
When I was planning a DW, I was positive that my dad was not flying out. He was too ill with cancer. Later we actually cancelled the entire thing because the wedding was in 5 months, but he was given 4-6 months to live. He died at the 4 month mark sadly. If he did not have that short time frame, I probably would have gone on with the DW most likely and maybe had it recorded?
Some dads don’t care about weddings. Some families don’t care about weddings either. Some couples know this and get married where they want because that is actually more important.
My dad told me to get married wherever I wanted, don’t change plans for him by any means. He told me my whole life that weddings are a pain the ass for everyone involved, do everyone a favor and just elope. So with that said, why on earth would I move it to the flat state of Indiana where he was if we truly wanted to get married in the mountains?
I just felt like I had to represent this side of it.
Post # 10
OP I had sisters and a mother that could not travel either (this was well after dad has passed away). One was broke, one had no vacation days, one just didn’t like weddings or flying. I think I controlled the disappointment of them not showing by removing it from the equation and not inviting them.
We just eloped and went wherever we wanted to go and that was the Canadian Rockies. I think of it as doing them all a favor! We saved enough money that we could fly to all the would be wedding guests (of the DW I was palnning above) and spend quality time with those friends. We have 2 more states to tick off the list.
Post # 11
I am a nurse, if your Dad is on dialysis- depending on his diagnosis,he shouldn’t be travelling to Jamaica-in Hurrican Season. I understand why people want destination weddings but sometimes they create obstacles for family members. Maybe you could elope in Jamaica and come back and have a party
Post # 12
@JBridalBird: I had two ceremonies to satisfy everyone. We first had a wedding ceremony and family dinner in our hometown as my fiances grandparents are not able to travel and most of the family was not coming to the destination wedding. I wore a different dress to the hometown ceremony( it was actually an indian sari because of my husbands culture). We then had our wedding in Cuba a week later and had 67 of our friends and family come down with us where we had another ceremony and a reception. It al lworked out amzingly well and everyone was happy 🙂