Family vacation in Sept…won't take SO if we aren't engaged…

posted 1 week ago in Waiting
Post # 78
Member
2602 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

tiffanybruiser :  I agree with what you and Dutchess are saying, but there has to be a point where when you’re in a position like the OP is in where you finally say enough is enough.  So I think it does a bit of a disservice by calling the breaking away a “process”. 

I was in a 6 year relationship where I was told time and time again we (me and college boyfriend) were going to get married.  I personally gave 110% to that relationship each and every day until literally one day it was like a lightening bolt had hit me.  It was my 26th birthday, and it wasn’t like I had a mental timeline that he had to propose by that day or I was done.  It was literally the opposite – I kept trying to be the good girlfriend to make me more propose-worthy, and finally one day I just snapped.  We had the come to Jesus talk and that was it.  I’m not sure why that day my boyfriend finally had the guts to admit he didn’t see us on the same page anymore.  Maybe he finally felt guilty.  I don’t know, but he did beg me a couple of days later to take him back, that he really did want to marry me.  But as I’ve said on other threads like this, you can’t un-hear those words and I didn’t take him back.

gagal2016 :  Only you know how much more you’ll take.  I hope it doesn’t get to the point where you are mentally detaching because then you really are at the point of no return.  Maybe now is the time to sit down and have this come to Jesus talk.  I know it sounds easier said than done – trust me, it was probably the hardest thing for me to hear, but I was really not liking myself and I needed to know the answers once and for all.  My self esteem was shot and even though I didn’t get the answer I wanted, there was an odd sense of peace once I decided that I no longer wanted to be with someone that wasn’t ready to give his all to me.

Post # 79
Member
5293 posts
Bee Keeper

sunnierdaysahead2 :  I think that’s great. It can definitely go that way in some relationships – the lightning bolt moment followed by immediate, decisive action. I’ve had that lightning bolt feeling in the past too (although in that case it was me who realized I didn’t see a future with my then-bf, not the other way around). But in other relationships that aren’t working out, it’s not a lightning bolt, it’s more of an “off” feeling deep inside that slowly grows until it reaches the point where you’re just done. In those cases, it absoutely is a process you go through where you’re constantly balancing optimism that everything can work out, with growing doubt that it never will, until doubt wins out and you leave. I don’t know what other word to use to describe that besides “process.”

Of course when you’re going through it, you probably don’t see it as a process you have to go through that will culminate in a breakup. You’re not thinking to yourself, “Ok step 1, stop inviting noncommittal SO on family trips; step 2: whatever; step 3: break up.” It’s only when you come out on the other side and can look back with some perspective that you realize you did go through a process there…and for sure you probably wish you’d gone through it faster! 

Post # 80
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

You need to talk to him to get out of limbo. Know his timeline and then decide how to proceed with the trip.

As far as the trip goes you can:

1. Dump him and explain to your family why he and his family are not going. 

2. Take him on the trip sans proposal and hope he feels the same pressure you feel when people ask about your future engagement. 

Post # 81
Member
2602 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

tiffanybruiser :  I can see how in hindsight how it can look like a process.  I think I may have mistinterpreted what you were saying, like you would be taking intentional steps on detaching.  I think if you’re purposely taking those steps, it is like one foot is already out the door, and I would hate for the OP or anyone else to be that resentful.  I guess my experience was different than others.

Post # 82
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

gagal2016 :  You said your sig other is physically paralyzed. Do you think that could have some bearing on his refluctance to marry you? Perhaps worried that you could be “burdened” with becoming a permanent caretaker or something “noble” like that?

Whatever his reasons though,  you need to find out exactly what they are! Stop accepting his tired line of “trust me”.  I peeked at your old post from 2 years ago and essentially nothing has changed for you! Take charge of your own destiny and stop allowing him to put you off. You get what you settle for…

Post # 83
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper

duchessgummybunns :  “You are basically being gaslighted by this forum.”

No, she isn’t. When you overuse/misuse a word like ‘gaslighting’, you water down it’s meaning. Gaslighting is playing mindgames with deliberate, self-serving even malicious intent. Bees simply having a different opinion is most certainly not gaslighting. 

Post # 84
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

gagal2016 :  I’m sorry bee, but I’m not on your side here. Not inviting your SO on this trip makes it clear that you’re either ashamed of him or the relationship. And there’s nothing shameful about a guy wanting to get his crap together before he gets married (Full disclosure – I did not read your prior posts or the 7 pages of this thread).

OR if he has been stringing you along for this engagement for sometime and you are anxious / upset / ashamed / embarrassed, then you should walk away. There’s no “in between” here, imo.

Post # 85
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  

Actually, part of the definition of gaslighting is interpreting the OTHER person’s actions as malicious and casting them as a bad guy, or as being at fault. It’s causing them to doubt their own motivations and mistrust themselves. OP stated multiple times she is NOT trying to be manipulative, only seeking to protect herself. Yet people kept telling her over and over again that no, SHE is wrong about her OWN motivations – she’s really just being petty and manipulative. 

Also, I used it somewhat jokingly because it gets thrown around so freely on this forum. 

As for the process thing, yeah, it’s not conscious and premedidated. It’s a natural psychological process that you don’t really have control over.

USUALLY I get the lightning bolt. I have my moment where I realize I don’t love a guy or I don’t see a future with him, or he suddenly disgusts me for whatever reason. But I had one relationship that was a process, and I had no idea at the time. As Tiffanybruiser says, it was only in hindsight, after the breakup, that I realized what had been going on.

Post # 86
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Take what you just told us, and tell your SO. You need to be communicating how you’re feeling with him. That’s the only way you’ll get the answers you need and want. 

Post # 87
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

So…he’s never lived away from his parents  (since becoming paralysed), is not comfortable with you doing his personal care and has now bought/renovating a home to live in to become independent on his own.

He loves you but has told you he does not know when/if he will be ready to marry you.

These facts along with your history (past posts)…sound to me like he is nowhere near ready to get married and won’t be for probably years. 

This doesn’t make him a bad guy. This doesn’t make you a fool or anything else. It may mean timing and circumstances are not right, this may not be the right relationship for you. 

 

 

Post # 88
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper

duchessgummybunns :  Very odd post. You’re still over-reaching in trying to claim that other Bees are ‘gaslighting’ OP- because the essence of gaslighting is intent, manipulation. If some Bees are interpreting OP’s actions differently, even ‘casting her as the bad guy’….this is their honest opinion, not a deliberate plot against her. 

And then claiming you did this half-jokingly is even odder. Likely it’s just an attempt at backpedaling, but it would be more unsettling if it weren’t- because this isn’t a light-hearted thread in which you’d toss that out in the context of a joke and it certainly wasn’t made clear by you it was intended as an ill-thought out joke. Yes, the term ‘gaslighting’ does crop up regularly on this forum. Occasionally, as in this case, it’s misused, but unfortunately there have also been Bees in unacceptable, unsafe relationships in which true gaslighting is occuring. If you reflect on the true meaning and implications of gaslighting, I doubt you would misuse it so inappropriately or facetiously. 

Post # 89
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper

ozbee :  Very valid points. 

gagal2016 :  I don’t recall your past threads offhand, but the fact that he’s disabled and seeking independence from his family/ his own home etc does change things up here. 

But while his goals are understandable, his goals seem very geered toward his future at the moment. So I’m not sure where that leaves you? If you’ve been together 5ish years and he’s having a home completed….were you part of this decision making process? Is this to be your future home as well? Even giving consideration to his special needs, I find it concerning when, years into a relationship, one partner would make such a major decision/ purchase as an individual rather than a couple. I’m getting the impression that he’s working toward what’s best for him and you’re being expected to wait in the wings and then -someday, at an indeterminate time- you will be expected to fit your life around the parameters of his. 

I’m not trying to be insensitive to his extenuating circumstances, I’m just not understanding why he’s making decisions and plans as a single person instead of as half of a couple. And that includes engagement, marriage, home ownership etc. I’m not advocating you leave him necessarily, BUT if this is going to work out, you two need to have some serious conversations in which your needs and goals matter too and where ‘trust me’ is too vague and too one-sided to be the status-quo any longer. 

Post # 90
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper

I had a look at a few previous threads….though you say this is your anon account so I’m not sure if you’re here under another username as well??? 

But it does change my advice- you were waiting and resentful more than 2 years ago, you also mention his paralysis has only been for a handful of years and also that you broke up during this time.

And you wrote, more recently, re him buying a home ” My SO is paralyzed and this is his first big, independent move. It is important for him to do it on his own for a while… as best he can at least. He has told me he needs that before he wants me to move in because he doesn’t want to rely on me right at first. This is a big deal for him.”

So it seems he HAS been clear on his intentions/ priorities, which makes me feel I’ve unfairly judged him based on what you’ve said in this thread. 

Now of course it’s up to you whether or not you’re willing to give him the time to live on his own for a bit and gain a sense of independence. You have the right to a say in your own future and what you are/ aren’t okay with- but now I think YOU need to be honest with him, because if you fear you’ll start ‘detaching’ from him (a valid concern IMO), then you have to tell him this. You can’t let him believe you’re onboard/ understanding his need for independence/ living on his own and then not include him on your holiday because he hasn’t proposed yet. 

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