- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
I’m just having a whinge about family matters, because I find that it generally makes it easier for me to discuss things with fiance if I’ve got it all out of my head.
I get along very well with fiance’s family – better than fiance does, for the most part. Fiance loves his family, but he doesn’t particularly like them, because they are very patronising, controlling, and basically treat him as if he’s still a child (even though he’s 25, and easily one of the most mature 25 year olds you’ll ever meet). FFIL has been trying to live through fiance for as long as fiance can remember and, while fiance’s mother isn’t as bad, she still can be quite pushy about how we should live our lives.
Because of this, I’m terrified of them thinking that they “own” me when I marry fiance. They have two sons, and are quite excited for the day when I’ll be their daughter, and FFIL has recently started treating me in a similar way to how he treats fiance – patronising, telling me how we should plan our lives (i.e. where we should live, when we should have grandchildren – not our children, their grandchildren), trying to live through things that I do that he would like to do…I could go on. FMIL tries to treat me like a daughter by buying me gifts of girly things (I’m not a girly person, at all), and telling me how I should dress, etc.
Fiance’s extended family, again, are quite good in some ways, but nearly impossible in others. They can hold a grudge forever – FFIL didn’t speak with his father for 10 years over a door, and two of fiance’s uncles didn’t speak for about 15 years because of a botched hotel booking. These are just examples of the grudges they hold over basically nothing. If someone does something “worse” (e.g. divorces a member of the family, puts a dent in someone else’s car, etc.), then they are basically outcast from the family.
Also, if one family member isn’t speaking to someone, then they expect everyone else to not speak with them either. Fiance’s uncle separated from his wife about six months ago and, in November, fiance called the ex-wife’s house to wish his cousin a happy birthday. His uncle is still furious with fiance to speaking with his ex-wife on the phone just for a few minutes (the conversation was basically “Hi, hope you’re well, mind if I speak with [cousin]?”
I love fiance, but I don’t like his family – I love them in their own ways, but I hate the idea of being related to them and having my children grow up thinking these kind of behaviours are normal. We’ve tried setting limits with them, but they just walk all over them, and badger fiance until he gives in. They believe that, because my parents have four children and they only have two, that they have a bigger claim to our time than my family does. Christmas and Easter are always nightmare times because they believe that they get first dibs on where we should spend those holidays, to the extent where they will try and trick fiance into agreeing to having a holiday at their place.
I’m just so tired of it. I’m tired of them being patronising and talking down to us, I’m tired of them feeling as if they “own” us, I’m tired of the family feuds that are always going on in his family, and I’m tired of always feeling as though they’re judging us. I almost wish they would do something really extreme, so we would have a valid excuse for not seeing them as often as they would like.