Post # 1
hi bees: so, I don’t know if i am being ridiculous or not – but if you have seen any of my other posts, it is REALLY important to me that FW feels like a bride at our wedding (even though i am the more girly one and she will be wearing a black – beautiful – dress) we know that we can’t control all of our guests and that probably some of them will wear black, but for the ones that know that she is wearing black and have asked (and those close to us in our families) we have been trying to ask them to not wear black if at all possible (i mean they aren’t going to wear white – or at least probably not) we’re not dictating – just really mentioning it almost everyone has been super nice about it and completely gets it (especially our families since they will be in pics)- EXCEPT fw’s sil.
we heard through the grape vine that she was still planning on wearing a black dress and that she hoped fw wouldn’t be upset about it. so instead of going through anyone else, fw called her – got her vm and left a message that she just wanted to check in and say hi and chat with her about not wearing a black dress. she got a vm back saying “oh thanks for calling, i knew you wouldn’t be upset with me wearing black, i mean so many people are going to be doing it and it’s not a bride color anyways, etc, etc” (fw has also mentioned this to her mom and has asked that she pass along the word to sil)
so, do we just let it go and let her wear it or do we try one more time to get her to see that we would rather her not wear black? it is so hard since our relationship wtih her can be difficult and she is really upset that we are 2 girls having a “real wedding” (her words, not mine) when she didn’t have anything like that and i feel like her wearing black is her way of being rude/mean to my fw bc we didn’t ask her to be in the wedding, etc
like i said, i know that people will wear it, but we would really rather not have people in our families/in lots of pictures in black if at all possible
Post # 3
I think that you are going to be in a hard place asking people not to wear black unless you have put this out there for all the guests. Black has become a staple color to wear to weddings. If you have asked everyone not to wear black, then she is just being a pain and you may have to go through other avenues to get to her, maybe the mom’s can jump in and help. Moms are really the best for putting the foots down on those types of things. Sorry she is being such a pain and not understanding.
Post # 4
Unfortunately, I agree with tksjewelry.
Off topic: What on earth does you both being women have to do with HER not getting the wedding that she wanted? Honestly. People are ridiculous.
Post # 5
I don’t think it is too much to ask for that close family not wear black (for picture purposes), but I doubt you can really expect no one to wear black. I doubt your FW’s SIL will be in many pics, so I would just let it go.
Post # 6
@tksjewelry: haha! thanks! you’re right moms are really good at putting their foot down 🙂 yeah, we totally know that some other people are going to wear black and we talked a lot about that before she decided to wear that color. i think what hurts the most is that we asked our close family members to not wear it and she refuses to understand that – and i guess it just kind of gets under my skin bc i know the reasons behind why she wants to do that – and it isn’t bc she wears black a lot or would even normally think of wearing black – it is blatantly to do something to take away from my fw
i’m just sad that this is something that is actually upsetting fw – i know on the day of she won’t care, but this is really the only “demanding” thing she is saying for the wedding. sil also asked to get ready with us the day of the wedding and i talked fw into saying okay and now that she is upset about this i worry that her being there all morning will upset her on our day
i’m wondering if i should step in – maybe call or email her and just say something like “i know fw doesn’t want to make a big deal about it, but i can see that she is really hurt/upset that you would consider wearing black even though she asked you not to and that you will be in so many pictures, etc” (sometimes i become pretty protective over fi – even though she seems “tough” she is just a big softie) but i worry that would just add fuel to the fire
Post # 7
Honestly, you really can’t dictate what people wear unless they are in the bridal party. I kinda side with your FSIL, black is not a bride’s color and not by any means a faux pas… You suggested that immediate family not wear black and thats all that you can do..you really shouldn’t try to force her or coerce her into changing her dress.
Post # 8
@MissKabers: At this point, I would let it go. You have already made your preference known to FSIL, and she has chosen to go ahead and wear black. Asking her again will only make your FI feel worse when FSIL refuses.
I understand why you don’t want family members to wear black, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much. The brides will stand out no matter what anyone else is wearing!
Post # 9
@mightywombat: i know right?! it is not my issue that she chose to not have a “big wedding” and now that people around her are having them she is bitter about it (and brings it up all the time when drinking) like “why bother, it’s not real everywhere” “i can’t believe you’re spending all this money on a wedding – if you had kids you wouldn’t have that kind of money to spend” and other really ridiculous things
i think that really it is more bc it is her and the reasons she wants to do it (like when you know someone is wearing white just to be a jerk – that is what she is doing) it has less to do about her wearing the same color than the reasons behind it – and the fact that she said something like “well of course people aren’t going to wear white that is what the real bride wears, but come on – black” i know she says most of things drinking but they are hurtful 🙁
@MrsNeutrino: that is true – and we definitely don’t want to dictate what she wears. like i said, i think that it is the comments that go along with it and the reasons behind why she is choosing black that are hurtful. if one of fw’s sisters wore black to her wedding sil would NEVER think to do that, but she doesn’t see this as as important, so maybe my feelings about that are coming out in trying to “control” what she wears – i didn’t mean to come across as controlling, and honestly, even if someone showed up in white, on that day, I won’t care – what i would care about is if they said things like she has said about the reasons that she is wants to wear black
@LittleRiver: thanks! that is true – we will most defintely be the only two ladies up there saying vows – and that is what i was worried about too – like if we “push” it will it just hurt more that she will go ahead and stick with her decision
sorry! i didn’t mean to come across as someone who wanted to tell everyone what color to wear or anything else – i guess just as we get closer to the day, i worry more and more that i will be seen as the “bride” bc of our choose of dress colors/the way we are etc – and i want to make sure everything is just as special for her – i hope that you can understand that part! 🙂