- 5 years ago
My partner has fallen out with his brother about his brother’s wedding, after a difficult few years since he met his fiancé. His brother and girlfriend have this weekend announced they’re getting married in 5 weeks’ time. They’re doing it quickly as sadly the bride’s father has terminal cancer. The first we heard of it was via the girlfriend’s Facebook status, which we thought was bad etiquette (they live opposite us). We’ve no doubt her family will have been consulted over the date, but none of my partner’s side were. The first they heard of it of any wedding/ engagement was last weekend when they were told the church had been booked. So parents, brother and two sisters of groom weren’t asked about availability. Turns out my boyfriend has a weekend away with friends booked he’s spent £400 on which was booked months ago and this clashes with the wedding date. My boyfriend congratulated his brother and told him unfortunately he couldn’t make it. The brother accused him of putting friends before his brother and stormed off.He’d said his girlfriend was just excited and wanted to put it on FB and they “didn’t have time to chek with everyone” over availability. Well we’re not “everyone” and feel we should have been consulted and told in person!
Now if I had read the above without knowing any background I’ve had said he should cancel his weekend away for his brother’s wedding. But, there’s been a lot of animosity created by his bro’s girlfriend, who has always ruled the roost! Prior to 4 yrs ago when they met, they had been a close family with no probs. I’ve been with my partner for 14 years, always got on fine with the bro. Then when she came along, they made about 8 cancellations of arrangements we’d made with them in a row through out the first year, all last minute which we found rude. I raised this on the final occasion, when they told us on the day they weren’t coming away with us for the weekend for my birthday (the bro text to say they were staying in for the night with no money, the girlfriend text to say they had double booked and had a 50th party to go to!). When I said they had been rude, she took to social media to slag me off publically, which really shocked us!
To cut a long story short ( kinda!) the brothers’ relationship never was the same again, and while me and the girlfriend openly rowed, the brothers didn’t but they barely saw each other either. We provided opportunities to make up. Six mnths after the initial row, we invited them for a Xmas drink (the brothers always met on Xmas eve) but she refused ( well, said she was too pregnant at 5 months to walk across the road) and we sat in different pubs yards away from each other while their parents split their time between the two pubs! I Had one week before been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, yet she did this, then ignited the row further by sendng me messages criticising what time we went round to the in-laws on Xmas day and said I was trying to keep the brothers apart! (we went round the time we always do and were told they werent coming, so left the time we usually do). I sent an FB message to the bro just after new year to say happy birthday then noticed I’d been deleted and blocked by him! I confronted him about this and he admitted he doesn’t use his FB account and his girlfriend did it! So I exploded at he and said she was out of order for starting on me when I’d had bad news and she said (about my MS), “well we all have health scares, I had a smear test scare once, but I don’t go on about it like you, I juse get on win my life”!! I told her she must stay out of my way after that comment, as she’s likely to get a smack!
2 yrs went by and we avoided them but last year we tried again with them, went round to their house, it was all pleasant at first and I apologised for being hot headed, and said I would appreciate an apology for comments made about my MS and we could move on. She wouldn’t apologise about that or for the cancellations so we all rowed again. The brother accused my partner of neglecting his new niece for not visiting, and insinuated it was me stopping him from coming over! He also said the whole of my partner’s family were talking about me behind my back. We left, I have no immediate family of my own and I was devastated by what he said. The mum assured me no one took sides and was talking about me and according to her, the brother said he didn’t even know why he said that, but he never apologised to me in person.
So, we decided two things. A) no more rows (it’s not good for my health), and trying to sort anything out was pointless. The bro was under the thumb and had changed. Iwrote a brief note saying let bygones be bygones. We stopped avoiding them and smiled and was polite at family events. And b) my partner, nor I, will ever really put ourselves out for them, or expect anything fom them. That way were not disappointed and upset. And so hence my partner’s approach now. We would have gone to the wedding if it was straightforward. But why should he be the only lotal one? The brothers used to go for a drink about every two months, and we always had lots of un bbqs and xmasses, birthdays together. All thats stopped over the last 4 years.
And believe me, there’s actually even more to the list of things they’ve done to upset us, this is actually the short version! But my boyfriend, who really is one of the kindest, most loyal person you can meet, is questioning if he should cancel or not. We know a brother’s wedding should be important. We have sympathy that her dad is dying and have told her we were are sorry to hear the news. But should he cancel, when they’ve treated us do badly in the past and they didn’t even bother to check our availability?
Sorry this is so long!!!