Post # 1
I have a guest attire issue…
The setup: I’m having a very small intimate wedding at a park/beach location, followed by a small luncheon at a cozy Italian restaurant. Me and my fiance are both from large families, so this is an immediate family only event, around 30 people. This is also the first time my families will be meeting each other. I’m wearing a simple wedding gown, and the groom is wearing a tux, so it’s formal, but not overly so.
Anyway, my mom had previously asked if I cared if one of my sisters (she’s 27) wore black to my wedding, and while I don’t think it’s a great idea, I wanted my sister to feel comfortable so I said that was fine. I know I feel good in black too, it’s my go-to going out color. Plus I didn’t want to be all Bridezilla, policing what people are wearing. HOWEVER, today my mom messages me and tells me the black dress is actually a “lolita” dress (for those not familiar it’s like little girl/gothic). I dont think my mom had heard of lolita so didnt know to mention that when she asked about a black dress. I haven’t seen it, but I hear it’s short, lace, with a crinoline, beading, lacing up the front, lace stockings and lace arm warmers. In such a small crowd, I feel like she’s going to really standout. Honestly her dress sounds way fancier than mine and I’d really like to be the center of attention (SO not my personality normally, I’m a total wallflower, but its my wedding day).
My parents have already told her they do not think it is appropriate, but according to my mom, she isn’t being persuaded. My little sister and I do not have a great relationship already, and I’m afraid if I try to confront her about this it will make it worse.. like I’m unaccepting of her. She hasn’t spoken to me about it at all (we don’t really talk), so if I do confront her it will be rather out of the blue for her.. Any suggestions on how to softly broach the subject or subtly hint she should not wear this to my wedding? Or maybe I should just accept how she wants to dress and let it go? :/
FYI she does wear a lot of black, and occasionally arm warmers but I’ve never seen her in lolita clothing so this is not something that is her usual way of dressing, which I would try to be more accepting of, if that were the case.
Thanks in advance,
Post # 3
@CTSeptBride81: I think I would be upset that she may stand out to much. I have this issue with my niece to be who is a BM not by choice but because it kept FMIL happy to be having her in the wedding, anyway she is apparently getting changed into a dress which sounds similar to what your sister wants to wear except it will be red roses and black skulls on a white background so she will stick out like a sore thumb for sure and it is bugging the hell out of me, I have let it go for now because I just can’t be doing with the drama with FMIL but being a wedding it just isn’t the place if you ask me to dress like it is Halloween whether it is there style of clothing or not it’s just not appropriate and I think you actually have a right to say how you feel. I know I wish I could just stand up and say how i feel though my family issues may be different and I am so scared of my FMIL I walk on eggshells around her. And I think FMIL actually encouraged niece to wear the dress just to be difficult and cause issues.
Maybe bring it up with what she is wearing and then just say you don’t think it is appropriate wedding attire and that people will be staring at her and to be honest probably not staring at her in a good way. If my future niece does where this dress she wants to I figure people will just look at her and think why on earth is she wearing that and think she is immature especially for her age. I think honesty is the best thing I really should take my own advice and just say it how it is.
Post # 4
I’m all for outside the box fashion choices but there’s a time and a place for everything. Tell her she needs to wear something more appropriate and that there is a semiformal dress code.
Post # 5
I think implementing a dress code is a good way to deal with a situation like this. It’s not like you’re personally telling her what to wear, but more like you and your fiance are telling everyone you can wear what you want as long as it fits this criteria, and that’s totally normal and not personal. It could even come from your mom. I’m going to a wedding this weekend and they specifically want cocktail attire. Good luck! It’s tough being unnecessarily put in uncomfortable situations in which the only way out is to put your foot down.
Post # 6
My mother and SIL wore black to my wedding. They didn’t stand out at all, just looked like they were going to die from heat stroke. 🙂
Post # 7
I honestly don’t see what the big deal is. From the sounds of it, she likes gothic clothing, nothing wrong with that. I wear stuff like that to this day. But if its really going to bother you that much, why don’t you take a day and take her out to find a different dress. (something still her style just a bit more toned down)
Post # 8
I’m going to go against the flow and say that since you already don’t have a great relationship with your sister: pick your battles. Is it really going to bother you that much what she wears? If it is, call her yourself and talk to her like two grown women should. If you can’t talk to her, then deal with it, but don’t put your mother in between you.
It could be she’s planning to wear something outlandishly inappropriate like this simply to antagonize you. Don’t let that work – take her power to upset you away. If you can’t talk rationally to a 27-year old sibling, then ignore her.
It’s your wedding, you have more important things to worry about. If you can’t talk to her, let her wear what she wants and look like an out-of-place fool. It’s no reflection on you. You’re the Bride, the Star of the day. In the whole scheme of things it’s really not attention-worthy.
Post # 9
Yes. Gothic Lolita clothing does stand out. Quite a lot. It is frankly, distracting in nearly every social situation. Additionally, from your description, it sounds more like she is in Hot Topic clubwear, rather than actual EGL clothing, which would make it go even further into not good for a wedding.
I would say a good way to broach it is
“I heard you were interested in wearing an EGL dress to my wedding, and that mom and dad were a little worried about the color and the style and asked me how I felt. When I tried looking it up online, the stuff I found had a really really wide array of looks. Dresses like the ones by Mary Magdeline are really beautiful and I could see them being great for a formal event, but some of the other ones I found looked more like club wear, which isn’t the type of formality I am aiming for my wedding to have. Do you have any pictures of yourself in the dress or is there somewhere I can look it up online?”
I included a specific brand that makes not too over the top (As far as lolita goes) outfits as a way of showing you aren’t outright pooh poohing the style, and to give your sister a solid, tangible example of what you are willing to consider appropriate. And then, to make it not a lie, you can view the collection http://hellolace.net/wardrobe/mary-magdalene/
That being said, what she is going to send you is probably NOT going to be wedding approp. Be ready to ask if she has any other lolita clothing to choose from, such as a skirt that shows less thigh. And then be ready to suggest goth garments you have seen her in in the past that you feel would be suited to the wedding.
Honestly, I commend you for being okay with your sister’s goth fasion. I also agree with you that lolita, particularly if it’s the sort I suspect, is not wedding approp, in the same vein of it’s good to be supportive of you sister even if she chooses to take her clothes off for a living, but it doesn’t mean it’s okay to wear pasties and hot pants to the reception.
Post # 10
Since I’m not somebody noted for dressing conventionally, my initial reaction was to think you were being controlling. But having read your post through to the end and realised just what your sister plans to wear, I can understand your concerns. Because she’s going significantly beyond goth here.
However, regardless of what she wears, you will be the centre of attention. You are the bride. Your sister may receive a few horrified looks if she’s dressed at the exteme end of the Lolita spectrum (a genre of clothing that even I find difficult to understand when worn by grown women) but that’s her problem.
I think that Bracelet00 makes some very good suggestions. Only you know whether raising the issue with your sister will do other than make her all the more determined to be as outre as possible though and I suspect that this may be a battle that isn’t worth attempting to fight.