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Ok, help me out. I have a good friend who I have known for about ten years. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding about a year ago and I, of course, asked her to be one of mine. For the past year we haven't talked more than twice and our lives and lifestyles have slowly drifted apart. For example I have taken up running and quit smoking while she still thinks a fun Saturday sleeping in to 2pm hangover from the previous night. To make matters even worse she is now about 100 pounds overweight. All of my bridesmaids besides her are a size 4 or below (I am about a six) and she is probably a 16. Major bummer. She also has a huge scorpion tattoo on her arm while the remainder of my bridesmaids do not have visable tattoos.
I am worried about having a fat tattooed drunk girl as a bridesmaid at my wedding even though she loves and cares about me. Am I being harsh in not wanting her to be a bridesmaid. I am ashamed to say I am almost embarrased to use her.
HELP! What should I do?
... you are being harsh. She is your friend, and she wants to stand up for you, and that is ALL that matters. Friends love eachother unconditionally through really hard phases. It sounds like she still is working through being young, and you need to either support her in that or confess that you're having issues and why and let HER decide if she's willing to accept being judged. She probably feels judged by society as it is, being overweight, and tattooed people still get the weird looks and she is probably more than aware of them.
My answer may be harsh, but friends are friends. I am so thankful to have friends that have gone with me through some really dumb phases and things I've done and cannot imagine what I would do if someone told me they didn't want me in their wedding because I'm fat.
I agree with KM 10000000 %. I would re-evaluate your thoughts on what it means to stand-up for a friend and be a bridesmaid...it has nothing to do with looks. Perhaps you drifted apart as you said and just are not as close as you used to be, but please do not leave her out of your wedding due to her weight.
I'd be mostly concerned about her partying ways and her health first.
I was a bm for one of my friends when I was pregnant and I wasn't skinny at all then. I was afraid I'd ruin her "look" for the wedding and felt so self-conscious so maybe your friend feels the same.
I think abandoning her right now would be the way to send her further into the same direction (eating too much and partying too much). How about being super supportive of her and maybe saying you're taking up an exercise routine and not going to over-imbibe before the wedding and you need a diet and health buddy and ask if she'll be your buddy?
Trust me..it feels wierd when you are self conscious and a bm. My friends were cool with it (the bride and the maids) but I still walked down the aisle holding the bouquet so it would cover my belly.
No offense, but if this girl has been your good friend for 10 years(!!!) and you cannot look past her appearance, maybe you need to reevaluate your friendship. If you are second guessing her as a bridesmaid because you have grown apart, that is one thing. But, it is completely unfair and unfriend-like to second guess her because of her appearance. Tattoos can be photoshopped, weight can be reduced by the way the photographer shoots the photo, but the hurt that you will cause this girl if you tell her your true feelings will be devastating and likely irreparable. If you truly cannot get past the appearance issue, and decide to un-ask her please have the heart not to give her the "real" reasons. :(
Ouch. Just the title of your post made me cringe. If this is how you feel about her, I don't think it's fair to her to have the belief that you two are still friends. A friend would be concerned about her health, not about her appearance in their wedding. Not to mention, your bridesmaids should be people you love and who are there for support... not to be "used". Holy moly, they aren't accessories!
KM and Krissy have said the right thing and you should prob follow their advice, but I toatally get what u are saying, it sucks but I think u may just have to suck it up. can u have all your bridemaides in diff dresses so u can find one that really flatters her?
I agree with KM and krissybee. You said you already asked her to be a bridesmaid -- are you really thinking about asking her to step down because she's bigger than the other girls? Because yes, that would be *incredibly* harsh.
I do understand growing apart from a friend and feeling weird about having asked her to be in your wedding when you're not as close as you used to be, but I don't think that's your real issue -- the title of your thread is "Fat Bridesmaid," not "my bridesmaid and I aren't as close as we used to be."
Size 4, size 16, what does it matter? From the subject line and your post it seems like what you are most concerned about is her weight. Would you be concerned about your different lifestyle if she was a size 6 like you?
You've gotten some good advice so far and as someone who wears a size 14/16, works out at least 5 days a week, and eats very healthy, I am trying to be extremely polite in my response. You didn't say when you asked her to be a bridesmaid, but if you honestly haven't spoken more than a couple of times during the past year, it probably would have been a good idea to take that into consideration before asking her to be a bridesmaid. Now that you've asked her, and she really hasn't done anything to warrant being removed, in my opinion you don't have an option but to move forward.
You are being harsh. As a fat woman, I find your comments cruel and my heart goes out to your friend. I'm sure it would break her heart to know how you feel about her.
The weight of your friends should have no bearing on them being a BM. Nor should her tattoo or any other aspect of her outward appearance. Would you exclude her for being an amputee? For having a bad haircut? For being very tall or very short? Being fat is not more or less superficial a quality.
If you've grown apart and aren't good friends anymore, that's a legit reason not to include her in your bridal party. But you aren't hiring models, you're asking the women who are nearest and dearest to you to stand up on your special day. How they'll look standing up there is not supposed to be the main consideration.
If you look back at your wedding photos and are more focused on how your BMs looked than how you were feeling to have them stand up for you, you should re-evaluate your priorities. They're supposed to be there because they will support you, not because they'll fit in the BM dress.
Whatever you decide to do, and whatever your motivation, PLEASE don't make her feel like garbage for being overweight- especially if she's under the impression that you love and care for her the way you say she loves and cares for you.
Crebre80- I was just about to say are we sure this isn't the other site trying to get funny posts to re-post?!
If this is a real post I have to agree with the others. You shouldn't judge someone based on their outer appearance, she didn't with you. You don't know why she gained such a large amount of weight in a year's time. Have you thought it might be health realted? My cousin went from a size 20 to a size 0-2 in about 2 years because of a health problem/medicines. I couldn't imagine asking her to leave my bridal party if all of a sudden she swings back up. I love her and only wish the best for her.
Yes, harsh in the sense you referred to your friend as a "fat drunk tattooed" up girl.
You're not really her friend, even though SHE may love and care about you, it sounds to me like you don't.
Whoops I voted wrong. Didn't read the options very carefully I thought I was saying I would pick different dresses that would work out (for their body type). In other words, I definitely would NOT kick out a friend for being overweight, but I would try to be considerate of the dress I picked out so it would work on her body.
I agree with pps. Is this post for REAL?!? Even the title "Fat Bridesmaid" is crazy harsh.
You know, I think that this post although honest is extremely harsh. I would primarily be concerned about a bridesmaid drinking too much and the ramifications of that. I would be concerned for her health and her behavior if that really is a big problem.
Your discussion of the weight issue is what upset me the most. If she is really a close friend I would not worry about her weight. I am sure she is most aware of her size and doesn't want any extra judgement. I would think that you would want to make a good friend look and feel her best on your wedding date. I would offer to let her decide on a style of dress that she would like to wear.
I will say that from a personal point of view, I used to be very very large busted, but had a breast reduction surgery last year. Anyways, I was forced to wear a strapless peach colored dress as a bridesmaid before my surgery. I was extremely uncomfortable and in a color that does not suit me. I would never want to make someone else go thought that! I wish the bride had been kind enough to let me wear a dress with straps like I requested.
I also wanted to let you know that not everyone in this world is a size 6 or 4. I hope you can see beyond her size and not be judgmental.
From what you're saying here it sounds like you two aren't "friends enough" for you to even ask her to be a bridesmaid. If she was really a good friend, you wouldn't think twice about appearances, tattoos, or behavior. Because you are that indicates to me that maybe the sun has set on this friendship - maybe you should choose someone else or stick with the girls you have already.
I dont think this is real...but if it is...I am having some rather curvy ladies and skinny ladies in my wedding...what im gonna do is pick the color and let them choose what style they want so that they feel most comfortable. Im more worried about THEM feeling comfortable in what they are wearing the what MY wedding is gonna look like to others.
Not everyone is as small as you and your other bridesmaids, but it sounds like it's not just the weight that's the issue, but the slobbish way she lives her life. I just wouldn't ask her to be a bridesmaid at all especially because she doesn't sound like she's that good of a friend. I mean my BMs and I are not talking constantly either, but that's because they are out of state and I am swamped not because we simply dont want to see each other... If your relationship improves and you want her to still be one, the tattoo can be covered up and a dress can be found that will flatter her, but yes she will take up a lot of the picture compared to size four/six women. And it will kinda suck for you if you really are very concerned about your pictures looking fashionable. There are certain poses that can hide this though.. Like ones where some girls are further from the camera than others, kinda artsy shots? But it always is helpful to remember why the picture is being taken in the first place, to capture the memory. Good luck!
and by good of a friend, i mean like she's not "good friends" or "close friends" with you, not that she's actually a bad friend as in like a liar, bitchy person, etc
lol
Uh, I'm not sure what kind of response you were expecting -sympathy for having a "fat" bridesmaid with a tat? It doesn't seem like you want her in your wedding, whatever your reasons, so either ask her to step down or deal with having her in your wedding. I honestly think she'd be better off if you ended your friendship with her anyways, it doesn't seem like you care for her.
You wouldn't care about this girls appearance if she was truly that good of a friend.
My bridesmaids are in all different sizes and I didn't care. I just chose my 7 best friends and called it a day.
I actually didn't realize that body shapes/sizes would be an issue when picking out the dresses when two of my bridesmaids called me and were like we have big chests and we'll look like hookers in those dresses and then of course, that was something that I took into account and I think that the style of dress that I chose will look flattering on all of them.
Mind you, my bridesmaids run from a size 0 to a size 22 so it took me a fair amount of time to find the perfect dress. I wanted everyone to look and feel their best that day.
You said that your friend is a size 16 - that's not too bad at all. She's not Java the Hut. If you're worried about the tattoo on her arm, perhaps you could ask her if it would be okay for you to apply makeup on her arm so the tattoo wouldn't be fully visible. Here are links to a few different tattoo coverup companies:
http://www.tattoocamo.com/?gclid=CPb1r9rwwp4CFQk75QodY3Nunw
WOW! Thanks to the reminder of not making personal attacks or being snarky I will readjust my comment.
Why assume that because she is a plus sized woman she would not be a good bridesmaids candidate?!?!? I know plenty of plus size women that are beautiful, love their body's, and can work any outfit better than a size 4 girl.
Everyone does not subscribe to mainstream ideals of beauty...thankfullly!!! In fact, I was a bridesmaid in two weddings at my heaviest weight due to a deep depression I had fallen into. I now see how lucky I am to have friends that loved and accepted me for me and who wanted me to look just as beautiful as them on their big day! Who never second guessed me standing up for them on their big day because we are friends but who allowed me to choose a dress that suited me.
Okay, I'm not entirely convinced this post was even real... trolling much?
But, if this is truely someone looking for input then here goes...
First, has this girl even been ASKED to be a bridesmaid? If so, then there's nothing you can do about it. If you are thinking you don't want to ask her because she's "fat" then that's pretty screwed up.
However, I too am concerned that it is more about her lifestyle. She gained 100 lbs in a short amount of time? She drinks and parties and doesn't take care of herself? This isn't an issue about being heavy, it's an issue of being healthy. If you are a true friend you will talk this through with her addressing the health factors.
I'm going to tread lightly here... But first off: to call your friend a "fat drunken girl" is downright mean. What if she were to read this post? I'd cry if someone described me that way.
I have lost a lot of weight over the last year and a bit. I have one friend, who is also overweight & she and I used to be close. When I started exercising & stopped eating out all the time, we kind of started to drift apart. She was interested in things that were not condusive to my new lifestyle changes.
We talk here & there, but the last time we hung out she was continually trying to get me to each stuff. She totally resented my weightloss & even called me a skinny b!tch (although, I still have about 25 more pounds to go from being what I consider "skinny")
Before I'd lost weight, I would have had her in my wedding- but her attitude towards my weight loss has been unsupportive & hurtful. I can't have her stand up beside me if she isn't happy for me.
I want to make it clear: I'm not embarrassed by her weight at all. I'm saddened by what has happened to our relationship. I can kind of relate to this post, real or not. However, I could never be so hurtful and talk about a friend in that way.
I want to thank everyone who has responded to this post and say that, yes, it is real. The reason why I posted things in this harsh manner is because I wanted to see how off base my thinking was or wasn't. I wanted to see if it was normal to feel this way.
In regards to the weight, I have lost quite a bit in the past couple years and have tried to become as healthy as I can be. I have worked really hard to become fit and now find it easy to surround myself with people of similar mindsets. I just wish that I could blend my new friends with the old a little better. I feel badly for feeling this way about an old good friend, I wish that I wasn't so judgemental I just can't understand why someone would let themselves go like that. I have tried to talk to her about lifestyle and better choices but she doesn't seem to care.
I feel like a snotty brat for wanting my wedding to be too perfect...i.e. photos and all. Even after reading all of your posts I still feel like there is an issue.
I think the issue is that you two aren't really as close as you used to be. If you were, I don't think that her size would be an issue to you. Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't have even asked her to be a bridesmaid since you haven't spoken very much lately and don't seem to be close anymore.
my bridesmaids range in size from a 0/2 to a 16/18 and two of them have very visible tattoos (back and ankles). i could care less, it's who they are and i wouldn't change my choice based on their physical appearance.
that being said, if you fell out of touch because of differences between the two of you, i see no problem not to have her in the wedding. although, you've already made the choice of asking her and unless she backs out, you're going to look like a jerk and she's going to hate you if you tell her she's out.
acyclec, two things.
1. Your wedding is not a photo shoot. If you obsess over "how stuff will look in the pictures," to the point of being cruel to a good old friend because she might ruin your perfect line of size-4 bridesmaids, your wedding photos may look great but you're going to lose some friendships.
2. "Perfect" is not a realistic expectation. If you focus on wanting everything about your wedding to be "perfect," you are going to be disappointed and unhappy with your wedding no matter how great it turns out.
I know I'm being harsh, but you wanted to know if your thinking is off-base. It is. Take a deep breath, put down the bridal magazines, and think about what's really important on your wedding day. Is it being surrounded with people who love and support you, or is it wedding pictures that look like a photo shoot for the Vera Wang ad campaign?
Wow that's really harsh.
How would you feel if you were made to feel as if you ruined a picture because of your weight? Wouldn't you feel horrible if someone pointed out YOU were the biggest? I mean c'mon, you are a size 6 and your girls are size 4 or under.
Come on guys, this person is very likely a troll. They're brand new here and their only post is titled "fat bridesmaid" lol!!!! Seems like a classic way to bait people into an argument.
arobb81, that's what I thought at first too, but click on her username -- she's got a very non-troll-like post on another thread about black bridesmaids' dresses. This one might be for real (either that, or it's a very sophisticated troll smart enough to plant a fake post in another thread!).
i think maybe the issue isn't totally her weight, but anxiety about her lifestyle, which you shouldnt beat yourself up over. if your reasoning is because shes overweight, then obvi thats way harsh. if you're worried about her lifestyle and how it will affect your wedding party, fair enough.
Seriously guys you act like u have never had a mean thought in your life, dont crucify the girlf for being open and honest
Ok, I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and think you didn't mean to come off so harsh and use such phrases as "fat tattooed drunk girl" that you may not want to "use." 
That said, I think you need to step back and re-think what your priorities are for your wedding. If this girl is really a good friend, then her physical looks should not matter one bit. Obviously, she has qualities that you love and that is why you are considering her to stand with you on your wedding day.
Id say that if you aren't very close anymore, then maybe she shouldn't be in the wedding.
erm...what's a troll?
that aside, while my bridesmaids are all fairly very thin girls (likely because they are all younger and more active than I am), I was in a wedding this past summer with seven girls of drastically different sizes. At five-foot-seven and a hundred thirty pounds, I fell in the exact middle. One bridesmaid was so slight of build that her dress came from the junior bridesmaid's line, while another was nearly six feet tall. We ranged from size zero to size...eighteen or twenty, I think, and simply wore dresses that flattered us. Because we were all comfortable with our dresses, and our selves, not one picture looked odd. In fact, they were all that much more beautiful for being realistic.
One of my best friends was married a month ago, and she had lovely bridesmaids, one of whom had a visible rasta heart tattoo and one approximately eight months pregnant, and they were all so beautiful. if your girls are clean and well-kempt the day of your wedding, and comfortable with themselves, your pictures will be beautiful.
So I'd have your friend in your wedding if she is a significant person in your life. She will likely be honored, and it will probably up her confidence, which makes anyone lovely! That said, you are also perfectly within your rights to ask her to avoid major changes in her appearance (like a new tat or something) and to avoid too much alcohol the night before your wedding. Just present it in a kind manner; i.e. I want you to enjoy the wedding day instead of fighting off a hangover.
It will also help you let go of needing your wedding day to be totally perfect.
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