- 4 years ago
I am a regular user here on Weddingbee, but I’ve gone undercover to talk about something that is really bothering me, to the point of tears and depression.
I am a 29 year old, 5-feet-tall girl. I am a street size US 10. While 10 may sound like an okay size, it looks enormous on me because I’m petite. I have DDD boobs, a big ass, and hips.
I’ve always tried to convince myself that it’s good to be “curvy,” despite the fact that I feel I am downright FAT – not curvy.
I have a roll in my stomach when I sit down. My belly button isn’t even round…it’s flat. I’ve never been able to wear a bikini. I have cellulite. My ass is anything but firm, and my love handles are extremely noticeable. My arms are HUGE (complete with fat dimples which have shown up in every wedding photo).
Even though I always knew these things, I wasn’t feeling too bad about myself before the wedding. I thought I had a great dress (with ruching to hide the bad bits). I thought it hugged my figure and made me look good.
Then the pictures came back. It started before we even left for our honeymoon, on Facebook. I was mortified by what I saw. I was huge and embarrassed, and suddenly it became apparent why not a single person said I was pretty or beautiful on my wedding day. I was so disgusting that they couldn’t even lie.
I was constantly checking Facebook while I was supposed to be on my honeymoon. I was terrified of being tagged in such hideous pictures, and I was hoping and praying that I would soon realize that it was just a couple bad photos…and that I looked gorgeous in the rest. Alas, that wasn’t the case.
Then the professional photos came back (which we paid A LOT of money for). Same story. Fat and huge and disgusting. It breaks my heart that I don’t like a single photo.
We were engaged for two years. For two years, I was excited. I shopped for jewelry, looked forward to how I would look…I was certain that I would be pretty on my wedding day. Now I am so utterly depressed that that wasn’t the case.
I don’t feel as though I eat more than anyone else, yet I am the largest of all my friends. I have friends who have had babies and are back to a size zero in weeks – despite eating crap every day. I have friends who have never worked out a day in their lives and live off Coke and Doritos, and they have tiny waists.
I try to be a healthy eater, and I think I do a good job. I opt for grilled turkey burgers instead of hamburgers. I snack on fruit, not chocolate. I go for frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. I choose diet coke if I am in the mood for a soda.
I’m not saying I don’t splurge on fast food from time to time, or enjoy a Snickers bar…everyone does. But I want to get the point across that I am not sitting around stuffing my face with potato chips every day.
Also, I live in a large city so I don’t have a car. That means I walk A LOT. But still, I am the fattest of everyone I know…even my friends back home who (like most Americans) drive absolutely everywhere and get ZERO exercise.
Twice in my life, I have gone through EXTREME weight losses. The first time was just before college, when I went from a size 14 to a size 4. The other time was when I was 25 and I went from a size 12 to a size 8 by working out A LOT and getting really toned, watching my diet religiously.This one involved a personal trainer.
But now I sit here, and I think, “It’s just not fair.” Yes, I could go through extreme weight loss again, but I WILL gain in back the moment I even THINK about enjoying Christmas dinner or having a single french fry from Mcdonald’s. So why do it? Not to mention the humiliation of having everyone compliment me through the weight loss, only to see them a few months later and I’ve gained it all back.
To make it all worse, I was asked ON OUR HONEYMOON if I was pregnant, by an airport employee. I broke down. I think about this every day and I start crying every time I do.
I can’t help but compare myself to others…strangers on the train, my friends, DH’s friends. DH has a very close-knit group of friends, all with serious partners/wives and I am the fattest one. Why does this always have to be the case? WHY? I don’t feel like I live life any differently than them.
I am in tears all the time, I am depressed, and it is tearing DH and I apart. He says I’m beautiful, yet when I say things like “I’m pissed off that your Mom is in her 50s and is able to wear a bikini…and your sister has had 3 kids and is still skinnier than I’ve ever been,” he just looks at me because he knows I’m right and he has nothing to say. This makes me bitter and angry, even though I have no idea what he is supposed to say to make me feel better, because what I’m saying is the truth….I AM the fattest of all his friends’ spouses. I AM bigger than his 55 year old Mom…I AM bigger than his sister who has had three kids. I AM bigger than absolutely everyone, it seems.
People love to say “love your body as it is,” but how am I supposed to do that when NO ONE on the planet wants to be fat? Everyone strives to be thin. It’s not like I have a desirable body…so how am I supposed to love it? How am I supposed to love myself when I feel that life has handed me a really bad hand? When no one else has to try to be thin, and I am just subjected to a life of being fat? It’s just downright unfair, and I’m downright happy. And I’ve grown so resentful toward everyone else who just doesn’t understand because they don’t have to deal with being fat. This includes DH, who is 6’4″ and extremely thin…he could eat chocolate every day and never gain a pound. And he’s never had to work out.
I don’t know what to do. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate what I see in pictures. I hate trying on clothes. I hate meeting up with people who I know are thinner. I’m so resentful, angry, depressed, and sad.