Post # 1
For easily 25 years of my life I’ve been the fat friend. Through the years, my more fit friends have tried to get me to be more active but their efforts some genuine and others not so much basically resulted in me eating more and lost friendships.
A couple years ago, I restarted my weight loss journey (with the ultimate goal of losing 100-150 pounds) and met a few common minded people. My motivation came from finally having a quality boyfriend soon to be husband and my failing health.
My issue is that as I’m starting to become the fit, one of my friends is staying the same and actively attempting to sabotage me but also herself. She only wants to go to high calorie restaurants where everything is deep fried. My suggestion of active outings are strongly opposed.
I want to support and encourage her but I know weight loss is a personal journey. I’m trying not to distance myself from her but it’s really annoying to hear her complain about being overweight, refusing to exercise consistently and refusing to eat vegetables.
I’m at a loss and I see how I lost a lot of my friends when I was at that stage. Part of me wants to ignore her complaining, keep the friendship and plan around our high calorie outings; but, another part of me is wanting to yell at her for constantly complaining but refusing to act to fix her situation.
Post # 3
@gemchick82: Be supportive but don’t push her. Plan outings for times that are non-meal times. If you push her with eating better and exercising you will push her away. Do you want to keep her as a friend? Because as you well know, getting to the stage where you are ready and able to eat healthy and exercise regularly is very difficult and can take a very long time, as well as being very personal. She will get there in her own time.
Post # 4
I suggest something that is loosely fitness based and not food based but is not really obviously so, for example, wooing shopping for afew hours a large mall with a .ot of walking and stairs and not hitting the food court is great. Also something like exploring the city hours walking around sightseeing is great workout and fun. Also go out on a Friday or Saturday dancing burns raps of calories, meet after dinner so u can control what u have anod only have a couple of low-cal drinks.
maybe if your not pushing her into fitness based activities she’ll be more likely to join 🙂
Post # 5
motivation. this is all we need. since you consider her a friend, the best thing to do is be honest and tell her what you feel. Never let her draw herself away from you. Better yet since she is your friend, motivate her.. encourage her. It is never easy. Losing weight is not all about looking good but also more of a healthy lifestyle. Our health is the most important thing to us. We will be more determined to have a healthy body once we have children and all we can think of is being there for them against all odds.
Post # 6
I feel your pain. A great friend of mine loves to drink. Not an occasional glass of wine, I mean she drinks to get plastered drink several times a week. I avoid drinking empty calories and because of this I never hang out with her in her desired location (a bar).
I would just tell your friend that you don’t want to eat at places that don’t have healthy options. Maybe just avoid going out to eat with her and stick with other activities like shopping or seeing a movie. It sucks turning your friends down when they want to grab food, but sometimes it will be what helps you achieve your goals. It’s all in moderation!!
Post # 7
As you’ve learned from personal experience, when someone decides they want to lose weight it has to come from them. Their personal decision and their readiness to committ to change. Your friend isn’t there, just like you weren’t there a year ago. So don’t push her. I woudl continue your friendship but try to do things outside of fitness/food related activities.
Post # 8
I think sometimes when we are focused on our mission we can see friends like these as trying to sabotage us…. But sometimes these friends are just in denial and don’t really know any better. She hasn’t learned how to get healthy so she doesn’t know about how big of a deal it is to choose restaurants carefully. Also, sometimes we have friendships based around indulging together. when one person stops indulging it can be very difficult for the other to understand the change and learn how to keep the friendship going regardless. Maybe you can try inviting her over to your place for dinner and showing her the healthy awesome meals you like to eat?
Post # 9
@gemchick82: I think it’s odd that you were in her shoes and are now considering doing to her exactly what people did to you. As someone who has struggled with weight for a few years now, but was previously a very fit person, and am now well on my way to being fit again, I think it’s terrible when someone goes from one end to the other and forgets what it was like to be at the other end of the journey. I’m not saying you don’t get it, and that I don’t agree that it’s frustrating. It is, it’s aggravating to watch someone complain about what they don’t like and then watch them not only not do anything to make it better but actually do things to make it worse. I understand that, I really do. But as her friend, as someone who has been there, try and think about what helped you to find your own inner strength and motivation. It had to come from within you. Don’t push her too hard, be supportive, and decide if you really want to keep the friendship going. Sometimes it’s not necessary to end a friendship, maybe just to take a step back.
When she wants to go to a bad restaurant simply say “ugh! I would love to but that is not going to be good for my progress. I would love to hang out though! so let’s plan something soon!” keep it friendly and make the choices about YOU not about suggesting things to her which can easily be hurtful when it comes to weight.
Post # 10
@stardustintheeyes: I think it’s odd that you were in her shoes and are now considering doing to her exactly what people did to you.
ITA with your entire post. Simply suggest alternative suggestions or find another non-food activity that also isn’t some fitness test for her either. I can’t be that hard.
I have been battling my weight. It’s no ones business. Did and do I ocassionally complain, sure, so what. Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do with each other. This year I’ve yet again taken up the good fight and i’ve made more strides than I have in the past. The weight is mine to gain and lose.
I’d be pretty ticked off if a former fatty friend all of sudden thought she was better than me because she has currently won the fight. What a hypocrite I’d call that so called friend.
Post # 11
@gemchick82: I really don’t understand your stance on this. You were in the exact same position and know that you lost friends from them attempting to change you. Is that what you’re willing to do? I really don’t think abandoing her is the solution, nor is motivating/forcing your changes on her.
I recently decided to get healthy and put my fitness and health first. I have a friend who is constantly making excuses, too, and I agree that it’s frustrating. But that’s her business. You know from your own personal experiences that it’s your friends decision to make…no one can get you there but yourself.
As you said, weightloss is a completely personal journey. Hopefully your example will be enough, but otherwise she deserves a loyal friend despite your changes.
Post # 12
I’m fully aware of my past and my weight loss journey. I hated being invited out as inevitably I became the designated driver waiting at the bar for my friends to finish flirting with the hot club guy of the week who kept buying them drinks. I hated not having clothes that fit and the trips to the mall. I hated the unflattering pictures that people always took of me. I hated going out on a date with a guy I met at work only for him to tell me four hours later that I’m too fat for him to date. And that doesn’t even begin to touch on the name calling, shaming, and feelings of inadequacy I dealt with from my family who should have loved me regardless of my size.
So NO, I’m not trying “to do the same thing to her as was done to me” as you said. If anything I’m trying to be extra conscious of her and her feelings while still achieving my goals because I know how hard it is and I know this is her choice.
Post # 13
@gemchick82: Remember what you felt like when you were her. That’s her favorite restaurant, why wouldn’t she want to go there? Isn’t there SOMETHING on the menu you can eat? If really not, be honest. “Sorry BFF, I checked the menu and there is nothing there low cal enough that I can eat today. I’ll go hang with you for a diet pepsi, but then can we hit Subway for a sandwich for me?”
As for activities, what are you trying to do with her? As the former fat friend, you know how embarassing it is to be invited along for stuff you know you just physically can’t do. You don’t want to be huffing and puffing and bringing up the rear. Or turning red on the face and having a freaking heart attack as everyone else is just getting started.
I like to take my dog for a long walk, but if someone invited me for a long hike or a run I’d tell them to pound sand. I’m not making a fool of myself so you can think you’re “helping me.” Going shopping, sightseeing, or on a walking pup crawl are all excellent suggestions. You can have a gin and tonic water every other bar and she can have whatever she wants – at least she’s moving. Don’t be so judgemental – you know all to well that no one can motivate you except yourself once you make up your own mind.
Post # 14
@almostmrsj: by active I’m talking about walking around a lake/beach or strolling through ikea or another big store. I’m not talking about inviting her to the gym or playing soccer.
Post # 15
@almostmrsj: I’d tell them to pound sand. I’m not making a fool of myself so you can think you’re “helping me.”
Post # 16
@gemchick82: Well then she’s probably hip to your game and doesn’t want your sympathy.