Fat while hanging out with gorgeous toned girls with DH

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

None of this is your own doing! I think what you’re feeling is totally normal. The only advice I have is that the grass is always greener… Kate may feel the impulse to talk about her single adventures because she feels a bit jealous herself of the stability you have with your husband. He married you because he loves you and thinks you’re beautiful – it’s normal to compare yourself to other women but he’s not married to them and it doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about when it comes to trust.

Have you tried talking to him about feeling like you’re in a bit of rut? I’m sure if he knew you were feeling this way, he’d make a bigger effort to make you feel beautiful and loved. We all get a bit complacent sometimes but I would bet your husband would speak up a bit more if you knew how much a compliment here and there would mean to you! And maybe you can find active, outdoorsy things to do with your husband – it would help you feel a bit closer to him and being more active will do wonders for how you’re feeling about your body, sex drive etc. When the baby is here, you can focus on toning up and dropping pounds but until then, focus on feeling great and having one on one time with your husband.

That’s all I have in the way of helpful advice except to say: I feel you, I’ve been there. I’m an inch taller than my husband and so when I gain a few pounds in the winter, I feel like an oversized monster. We all have insecurities, but talking to your partner about them can make a world of difference! 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 3
Member
3958 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I just want to give you a big hug. I have been there in the past and know those feelings. 

In the past the only thing that has helped is taking steps to nurture myself and my body. Now that you are pregnant it is not the time for intense weight loss or exercise, but eating well and nourishing your body and getting in movement that makes you feel good is key. 

Comparison is a dangerous thing. Remember he chose you, and you chose him. 

Post # 4
Member
21 posts
Newbee

Oh girl, don’t worry, I’m sure we can all totally relate. :/ My SO has a gorgeous (and I really mean gorgeous) ex, who is also an actress and was once voted “hottest Latina” in his city (not that he told me any of this. I’m just really good at googling people). I’m the complete opposite: fair-skinned, shy, definitely not a body that would win any beauty pagant. But still, we have to remember that the guys chose us! He wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t think you were beautiful. Also, I’m not sure this helps, but there are really gorgeous bathing suits out there that shape your body. Maybe wearing a very pretty one would make you feel better about yourself too (think 50’s style vintage red polka dot, for example). 

Post # 5
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Omg girlfriend you sound just like me!! I have always been curvier and I’ve found the last year or two I’ve gone from a size 6/8 to more like 10/12. Sometimes even a 14. I totally get what it feels like to “look over” other girls and wish you had their abs, arms, legs, etc. 

It doesn’t help that my FI is completely in shape and muscular. He even has a worse diet than me! 

I’m very outspoken and I’ve told my FI about how I wish I wasn’t as chubby or wish I didn’t have “my tummy” or whatever. He is encouraging and always says he’ll work out with me or motivate me. But he also says how he loves how he can grab my tummy and I have a bouncy butt. He says things about how he’s not really into skinny girls and will say how cute I am. 

Sometimes, I think if we voice our concerns, we’ll find our SO actually feel the opposite. A lot of women feel like after childbirth, they’re no longer beautiful whereas a lot of men see their women as way more beautiful! 

I think it’s okay to think “I could stand to lose a few pounds” or be realistic, but it’s not healthy to obsess and compare.

I highly recommend yoga. I had a so-so body image but after regularly doing yoga, I realized how much my body was capable of and made me feel strong smile

Feel free to Pm me if you want to talk too smile

Post # 6
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

bzbride2277 :  Girl, I think we have all been there at one stage or another, and I think overall you have taken a pretty healthy approach to the situation.

Firstly, I do not think it’s okay for your husband to be “looking” at the other women up and down, regardless of whether he thinks you can see or not.  Not just for your sake, but out of respect for your mutual friends and I’m typically pretty laid back about that sort of stuff.  I would definitely be bringing that up to him as it can’t be helping your self esteem.

The second thing I would be doing, is if you are unhappy with the way you look, then start setting goals to change it!  Obviously being pregnant, you will need to consult with your doctor first, but I would start off with making little goals and sticking to them.  Things such as walking thirty minutes per day, or arranging a healthy eating meal plan for breakfasts and lunches.  Remove junk food/uneccessary food from the house so you aren’t eating it during the day.  My FSIL lost a bit of weight over her pregnancy, so she started out overweight and was a healthy weight at 8 months pregnant, and that was purely from the healthy eating and excercising changes she made to be healthier for bubs.  You can totally do it if you want to.

 

Post # 7
Member
950 posts
Busy bee

bzbride2277 :  I do think you should talk to your husband. These thoughts are just stewing in your brain, all alone. Maybe he can help you feel a bit better about yourself. 

A previous Bee is right: you can start eating well and exercising now, even though you’re pregnant. Get the ball rolling. Losing weight is not easy, but if you change your lifestyle and the habits that are causing the weight gain, you can get there. 

I have a story that shows the other side, maybe even your husband’s perspective. I have a friend who is gorgeous, like a 9/10. When she walks in a room, people turn and look. Her husband is like a 4/10. He has some extra lbs, is balding, happy teeth, puffy under eyes etc. Not a great looking man to me, but to her, he is. She loves him and sees his good qualities that an outsider doesn’t notice. She can appreciate a good looking man like we all do, but she wouldn’t trade a model for the man she loves. 

Post # 8
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I agree with the others. I think almost every single one of us has felt this way before, regardless of what we look like. It’s normal to compare yourself to others, but remember that your husband picked you, he’s with you because he loves you and thinks you’re beautiful. And even though you’re pregnant you can try light workouts like walking or swimming, and you can change your nutrition. When I felt bad about my body in the past, just changing my eating habits already helped to feel better about myself. Also, I agree that you should talk to your husband about this. I’m sure he’ll make you feel better.

Post # 9
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I have been fat my whole life, and I had friends who had the conventionally attractive bodies. But one night, one of my incredibly beautiful friends said to me “I’m so jealous you’re the sexy one. You just exude confidence”. My weight has never hindered me from being beautiful and sexy, and your weight isn’t hindering you either, you just need your confidence back. I am going to echo what a PP said about yoga-do it. It’s not that my body is slim and toned (though again, that’s not what makes me beautiful), but doing yoga makes me feel in control, and I have a better relationship with my body. 

Post # 10
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

Of course it’s normal to go through periods feeling like this, however it’s important to keep yourself in check and work on feeling better about yourself or you run the risk of taking  this out on your friend or your husband.

Post # 11
Member
2796 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think PP offered some great tips, but I will add as someone who still has major body insecurities that being pregnant was SO hard for me. I was so hard on myself, and the way I looked, and I killed a lot of the joy around that time for myself by feeling that way. I wouldn’t let anyone even take pictures of me at my baby shower for crying out loud. The sad part is I know that I did that, but if I got pregnant again I also know I would probably do the same thing all over again.

I will say that one thing I did during pregnancy that DID help me feel a bit better (even temporarily) was prenatal yoga. Normally I am not into yoga, and normally I find it pretty hokey….but the particular class I took focused a lot on meditation and mantras, and they helped me to feel really conncected to my body, and actually PROUD of what it was doing: YOU ARE MAKING A PERSON. That is fucking AMAZING! Your body is AMAZING! Try to remember that it can do something amazing even with “stubby legs”, or “cellulite”.

 

Post # 12
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It’s easy to be hot when you’re single.  You only gotta do you. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are.  You’re making a human! I know is easy to compare one body to another,  but remember that youth and beauty are fleeting and you’re gorgeous too. 

Post # 13
Member
3797 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

bzbride2277 :  Ooooh girl, I feel like I could have written this post myself. I struggle with my weight. I have PCOS and hypothyroidism, but let’s be real–I have never met a family sized pizza I didn’t not want to eat by myself, ya know? I am busting my ass to get back in shape, but there are days I seriously feel like a beached whale. The past couple of weeks in particular, I have just felt…large. Gross. Like I want to lay in the water of our pool like the walrus I am. DH, like many guys, has a gander from time to time at women. I have *always* been pretty chill about it, because I could rationalize it. I see people I think are attractive and I’ve been guilty of eyeing someone up I thought was pretty cute and nothing ever comes of it. 

However, there are times when I just feel disgusting and it doesn’t help that most of my friends are gorgeous. What I keep reminding myself is this: DH married *me.* Not because he had to, not because he felt bad, but because he loves me. And he married me AFTER the weight gain. After our PCOS diagnosis. After we were told we may not be able to have our own biological children. After I gained nearly sixty pounds. He married me anyways, because he loves me. I mean, sure, our goal is to get me down to a healthy weight again. Not for looks, but just to make sure I am at my healthiest if we do conceive. 

Now, I’d go ahead and wager that your husband is the same way. That he would have married you with those extra twenty pounds or not. And you know what, I’m not going to say, “Girl, do NOT feel inferior or less than or blah blah blah” because when you’re feeling down in the dumps, it’s so hard to rationalize things and pull yourself out. What I would suggest is talking to your husband about how you’ve been feeling lately. Place no blame anywhere, just tell him that you’ve been feeling self-conscious. I’m sure he’d be happy to tell you otherwise. 

Post # 14
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I just want to say that I am a “thinner” girl who usually wears a size 4, but I have HUGE insecurities about my body and the way I look. I won’t even wear a swim suit in public.

But to me, one of the MOST attractive women that I know is probably about a size 20+. She is absolutely beautiful to me because she is so confident in herself and who she is. She dresses well for her body and doesn’t give a damn what people think.

My point is… size doesn’t matter. Your husband married you because he loves you and thinks you are beautiful just the way you are.

 Everyone has insecurities about SOMETHING. You just have to remember that you are your own worst critic and people are not judging you the way you judge yourself. My biggest insecurity is that I have bigger legs compared to the rest of my body. I never voiced that to my FI, but one day I was wearing a skirt and he told me I had sexy legs! I couldn’t believe it!

Post # 15
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I’m slim, but if I were in your shoes I’d feel the exact same way. I really think this has less to do with you and your body image issues (tho of course that’s an added factor) and more to do with you and your husband hanging out with single women who hang out at your house in bikinis and talk about sex while your husband looks them up and down — who WOULDN’T feel uncomfortable in that situation? I would not love to be in that situation if I were you, and while I’m comfortable talking about sex with my girlfriends, it’s hard for me to imagine thinking that was appropriate to talk about in front of any of their husbands. It does make me wonder whether she’s enjoying some male attention from him (however innocent) while she’s single. While I wouldn’t stop hanging out with Kate if she’s been a good friend to you both, I do wonder if you could set some boundaries. It’s not cool for your husband to be looking anyone up and down, and it’s also, IMO, inappropriate for a single woman to be describing her sexlife in detail to a married man.

In addition to the advice you’ve already received about beginning to build healthy eating and exercise habits while you’re pregnant, I also think it might be time to expand your (and your husband’s) social circle. Can you join some Meetup groups, or sign up for pregnancy classes or something? This would be a good time to start meeting other prospective moms, too. Also: just because your sex drive is lower now doesn’t mean you have to neglect your husband — try to make effort to have sex or do sexy activities together more regularly. You might be pleasantly surprised that even though you don’t crave it you get into it quickly, and it could help you feel more attractive and wanted. 

Hugs. 

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