- 4 months ago
Whenever I have feelings of jealousy and/or self-hatred, I do this thing where I make my thoughts go in the extreme opposite direction. So jealous and self-hatred are thoughts that are very focused on each person being individual. You couldn’t hate your self if it wasn’t separate from others. You couldn’t envy others if they weren’t separate from you. So I will meditate on the idea of one-ness/universal self/unity/all energy being the same sort of thing.
If I’m feeling jealous, it helps me to reframe the other person as: we are extensions of the same energy, we are the same, her happiness is my happiness. It likewise helps to get rid of self-hatred talk, because it helps you to be more fully aware that you are far, far more than just your body. And you realize your body is your team mate through life. And you would never tell a teammate she was too fat or had too much cellulite.
You sound like you already have a very balanced mindset, so I have no doubt that you’ll figure this out. While your feelings are very very valid, it’s probably also good to recognize that they are being inflated a bit due to your homonal fluctuations and all the life changes that come with being pregant. Never having sex and weight gain alone are too things that would already be adding stress to your mind – this is just going to be a hectic and emotional time. You sound like you are used to having a lot of control over your emotional state, so this must be very unsettling for you to be having all these uncontrollable thoughts and emotions out of nowhere.
I agree with PP that talking to your husband can only help. You clearly aren’t assigning undue blame. And being vulnerable emotionally may also help bridge the intimacy gap the lack of sex has likely created.