- Silver Plum Fairy
- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2012
I am considering not doing a Father/Daughter dance at my wedding. The unforunate thing is I always dreamed of this moment with my father. So, here’s the story as to why I think I may not go forward with this. (This may take a while)
My parents are divorced. They seperated when I was five, so having them not be together was never an issue. It was just a fact. My dad raised my brother and my mom raised me, but 5 years ago I decided to move across the country to live with my dad (met my fiancee there when I came out for the summer. The lengths we will go for love. SO WORTH IT).
My dad was always in the picture while I was growing up. He tried repeatedly to convince me to move out west with him and my brother. He would visit me very time he came for a business trip to my hometown. I have so many great memories with my dad. Camping and road trips and picking his brain for all the facts and history he knows. He’s taken me to Australia twice and he paid for my post-secondary education. He’s a family man that most of my cousin’s call the “baby whisperer” as he loves to hold babies and can get them to stop crying with his gentle touch and beautiful singing voice. Or at least he was…
Last year, he came back from a trip to Australia (he visits his brother every other Christmas) happier. He later told me that he met a woman during a short visit to Indonesia. They had been corresponding online since that Fall (sort of known eachother for 3 months at the time) A few short days later he told me they were engaged. I was happy for him. Yes, some doubt creeped in (especially when I found out she is 20 years younger than my dad), but my almost 60 year old father deserves to have someone to share his golden years with. I looked forward to meeting her.
A month later she came to Canada, and in less than a month they were married. My dad’s side of the family is very close, so they were all hurt as most of them found out through FACEBOOK that he was engaged. YES FACEBOOK. Then he announced at an event my cousin supports that he would be getting married in two weeks on my Grandmothers 95th Birthday. (Because all the family would be in town anyways…)
I was supportive through this whole thing and so was my fiance. We helped plan the wedding. I helped pick our linens and flowers and set up the hall. The whole time she wanted to know my opinion. I even did her hair on the day of (not very skilled at this, but I did my best.)
I let things slide because my dad was happy. She insisted on calling me her daughter (I was 24 she was 15 when I born) and I have a mom that I love. She also made comments about my brother and I not calling her on mother’s day. A month after their wedding.
So things were okay until I started trying to make some plans with my dad in the summer months. They kept falling through. I didn’t let it bother me. I knew how busy my life was. I knew his must be the same if not busier.
Things did start to bother me after I got engaged though. My dad didn’t seem excited. My fiance had asked for his blessing (and my brother’s). I thought it was so sweet. I expected my dad to want to have us over to celebrate. He didn’t find time to see us until almost a month after our engagement. When we got to the house his wife started telling me how to plan my wedding. How I should order my dress, rings, favours, etc from Indonesia. How much fun we would have on our honeymoon in Bali (she assumed that is of course where we would go). She never asked what I like or what I dream of. Then they left us waiting at the house for 45 minutes to take the recycling to the depot because it needed to be done then. We had made the plan a week before.
We decided to stop making plans with them. My dad never called to make plans anyways…(We used to have almost weekly dinners).
Now this isn’t as much of an issue, but my dad also chose to not contribute very much to the wedding at all. The amount he gave wouldn’t even cover his friends that I was planning to invite…not anymore. I can’t afford it.
Fast forward to Christmas. We went to my dad’s on Christmas Eve to exchange gifts. My fiance and I decided to give my dad the benefit of the doubt and bought him and expensive bottle of wine. My fiance had driven across the city to find it. I even bought her some nice gifts that I had put thought into. I handed my dad his gift and her…her gift. She opened hers and as my dad was talking to us, opened HIS! She didn’t even know the meaning of the wine. The memories associated with it…the whole impact of the gift was lost. My dad didn’t even seem that impressed. This would have been enough, BUT then it was our turn to open gifts. A stocking was handed to me and to my brother. With nothing for my fiance! (My fiance is also my brother’s best friend, so even before we were an item, My dad would buy him a gift.) This was our Christmas as an engaged couple and he didn’t buy him a gift…I left my dad’s and cried. (He later argued that he had purchased a chocolate orange for my fiance…yet we never received this).
Did my dad suddenly not approve of my fiance? A man who had been part of our family for almost ten years? First through my brother and then through me?
In February, my dad and his wife moved (I found out after the fact that they had purchased a new place). My brother went over to collect some of his belongings. (My dad has also been horrible to my brother…in some ways worse than me with me.) They got into an argument that started off with my dad being upset we wouldn’t help him move and turned into my brother logically telling my father everything he has done to hurt him, me, my fiance, and the whole family. He told my dad that he needs to call my fiance and apologize to him. He made my dad admit that he bought his new house without even considering us. He told my dad that he has really messed things up and it’s in his hands to fix it.
My dad never called my fiance. Never made any attempt to make it up to my brother, my fiance, me, or our family.
We only see them now at large family get togethers.
My fiance feels they shouldn’t even be invited. For me that’s not an option. He has to be there. If things do not improve though, I won’t have him walk me down the aisle, and I won’t do the father daughter dance, and I wont let him sing like he does at every other wedding he goes to…
On a brighter note, my fiance’s parents and my mom have been wonderful. His parents are so supportive and loving. His mom is throwing me a shower and came dress shopping with me. I feel so lucky to have found such a wonderful man and to become part of such a fantastic family. My dad’s side has also stepped up during this. Trying to speak with my father. His two sisters no longer talk to him as they are so upset with how he has treated his children.
I just wish my dad cared again. I miss him. I want him back. It breaks my heart, so I try not to think of it. Maybe I am being spoiled…maybe I should just let him go. Have his own life without us.
So what do you think I should do? Should I talk to him? I’m not sure if this will work as my brother, the man my father raised, couldn’t even get through to him. Should I just cut him out of the usual Father of the Bride duties at the wedding?