- 4 months ago
First please know tomorrow afternoon will be my first therapy session to process the grief of my father passing away and how that influenced my perspective about whether or not I was worthy of marriage.
about a decade ago, my father died after contending with an illness for four years. He was diagnosed on my mother’s birthday and he died four years later on her birthday. She was never the same and I really felt orphaned after everything was said and done because my father was physically gone but emotionally had a very real and present influence that survived in my life, whereas my mother was physically present, but she was emotionally absent and never recovered from my father’s death.
All of this occurred a little more than a decade ago. The family didn’t attend grief counseling to process anything and basically relationships among siblings and extending family from both sides disintegrated.
I am posting here because I distinctly remember being 19 years old and immediately, after my father died, I told myself that I must really be “damaged goods” now and no man would ever want to marry a fatherless daughter that has no father to walk her down the aisle and coming from such a broken family home because after his death all of our family relationships disintegrated. I thought I would be judged and no man would deem me worthy of a serious commitment or forever love.
There was no emotionally present mother to help me reconsider the story I told myself in that moment, and so I held onto that story for over a decade.
I was in a relationship for 5 years during grad school with a guy who was unable to propose to me and didn’t even give me a promise ring or anything; this relationship served to further confirm my worst fears and became almost a self-fulfilling prophesy. Consequently, my pressuring him for more than what he was able to provide me with namely engagement, pushed him away and finally last month he broke up with me at our five-year anniversary and right before Valentine’s Day; it was truly devastating.
Because of my insecurities and had not processed the abovementioned things, I projected my unworthiness story onto him and blamed him for my unhappiness in the relationship because I didn’t deem it a secure enough, safe enough relationship if I didn’t have an engagement to feel secure. He said that marriage engagement were all superficial things. I felt invalidated and began to disrespect him verbally. When he broke up with me last month, I just had to face myself really with nobody else to blame and begin to do the hard work of deconstructing my story I told myself all those years ago after my dad died.
If anyone has any words that would help in any way as I begin this new chapter of meeting with the therapist starting tomorrow, I would be really grateful for your taking the time to send them my way. At the moment I feel very vulnerable, my partner of 5 years that recently ended the relationship attended couples therapy with me on the day before yesterday, but the therapist said that she wanted to see me individually and told him it’s possible, maybe in the future he could have future couples sessions together with me. Even though he ended the relationship last month, he seems to be wavering in that decision, but I don’t want to have any false hope that he would ever reconcile with me because I don’t want to get hurt so badly again so I am trying my best to stand strong on my own self-reliance to help process the grief and hopefully re-conceptualized the story I told myself all those years ago so that going forward in life, these things won’t hurt my future relationships.
Thank you again,