Post # 1
Ok so my parents got divorced when I was like 3. My father showed up at random intervals throughout my life, so I saw him maybe 2-3 times a year. It is more like the relationship you would have with an uncle who lives on the other side of the country. He’s alright, but meh, whatever. I actually think he might have undiagnosed Asperger’s or something similar because he doesn’t really interact with people normally. Also he’s a physicist, which helps nothing.
We live in the same city now and I see him maybe 5-6 times a year now. We go to the movies and like operas and stuff (things where we can sit in the dark not talking.) I am fine with this, since he buys the tickets, and who doesn’t love free ballet?
At one point, he showed up to one of these things with a lady who he introduced me to the first time as “this is Diane.” I was like ok hi. So sometimes she is there, sometimes he comes alone, and occasionally he’ll show up and be like “this is Rebecca.” This “Diane” was around for a while, but then I didn’t see her at all last year. Then a couple of months ago “Rebecca” was there. Then two weeks ago “Diane” popped back up.
No one is getting a +1. No one. So he definitely does not get one either. So my plan is to mail him an invitation addressed to him and then sit at home worrying for two months over whether he’s going to show up with some uninvited random. If he does, it will probably upset my mom and it will definitely embarass her and me in the eyes of my FI’s entire family, all of whom are heavy gossipers and would consider this worth discussing for pretty much the rest of all our lives (let’s bring it up again everytime ANYONE gets married for all eternity! Hooray!!!)
My only hope is that if he tries to bring some random woman, she will be smart enough to be like “let me see the invitation a minute” and will note that he was invited alone and she is therefore unwelcome. I know *I* have done that before when guys I was dating were like “oh yeah, there’s this wedding thing, you should totally come!”
But UGH. There is no way to talk to him about this, I would rather just deal with the potentially BS explosion than try to initiate this exceedingly awkward converation with some old man I barely know. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
Post # 3
I’m sorry that you have to deal with that, I am sort of going throught he same thing with my dad. I honestly think the best way to handle it would be to let him know ahead of time that he does not get to bring a guest. Explain why, and that may make it awkward now, but at least it will avoid the awkward moment on your wedding day
Post # 4
@lollygagon: Thanks. Families are nuts 🙂
I have seen friends deal with worse at least, so that gives me perspective. One friend’s father was mostly absent from her life, but she tracked down his address and invited him anyway. He scribbled back a drunken rant all over her invitation and mailed it back to her (calling her and her mom some horrible things.) So imagine her SHOCK when he showed up at her wedding! She was very zen about it, and he was well behaved. But good lord!
Post # 5
@TrousseauHorse: Can’t you make an opportunity to get together after the invitations are mailed so that you can bring up the issue of “no plus one’s”? I would rather do that than sit at home worrying for two months over whether he’s going to show up with some uninvited random.’
Post # 6
@TrousseauHorse: EEkkkk that’s not a good feeling to have…
I haven’t spoken to my dad for about 13 years now and my stepdad is absolutely amazing. So I’m not even going to bother tracking anybody down… problem solved on my end.
I think you should talk to him…. only because you are already going to be nervous and stressed enough as it is! You really don’t want to be nervous and stressed about yet anothe thing! Tell him you have very limited space and you are not accepting +1 at this time. Say that you wish you were but unfortunately you guys have very limited space at the venue of your dreams and there were some hard decisions you had to make as far as the guest list goes.
Good luck with that… father drama is never good :/
Post # 7
Ok yes, if I thought it would help, I am all about just blurting things out to people’s faces. But he’s a big weirdo who doesn’t understand social things, so here’s how that conversation would go (we had a similar one about not bringing a tripod to the ceremony and setting it up in the center of the aisle I’m trying to walk down.)
Me: We’re not giving anyone a plus one.
Father (seeminly not comprehending): What? Huh? Ok?
Me: To the wedding. It’s a small venue, so no one gets to bring anyone extra.
Father: Did you hear they’re making a new Star Wars movie? It’s going to be awful!
[2 months pass]
Father arrives at wedding, with a date.
I retreat to my special happy place, where everyone’s a unicorn.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t count too much on her catching the error. If my SO invited me to a wedding, I’d probably just assume the invite included a guest. I’d try to subtly bring it up beforehand
Post # 9
@TrousseauHorse: If he does, it will probably upset my mom and it will definitely embarass her and me in the eyes of my FI’s entire family, all of whom are heavy gossipers and would consider this worth discussing for pretty much the rest of all our lives
Okay, so my question is… Why would your mom be upset? Because she can’t bring a plus one? I also don’t understand about FI family. Because none of them could bring a plus one? Couldn’t you just explain later that you didn’t know he was bringing someone…If in fact he does… He might not.
Not trying to be rude at all, I am just not understanding the situation I think.
I get why he doesn’t get a plus one… But short of telling him flat out he cannot bring anyone, he might not understand.
Post # 10
@TrousseauHorse: It sounds like beating around the bush won’t work with your father. Rip off the bandaid and tell him directly that you expect him to show up alone. You could soften the blow by telling him details like you plan to seat him with family he likes/your in laws you want him to get to know/etc.
Post # 11
Oh, just let him bring a guest. If he does have a social phobia or Asperger’s, it will make him feel more at ease.
Post # 12
Maybe you should hand deliver his invitation and then say something like, “Diane was lovely, its too bad that we weren’t able to have +1s” I wouldn’t worry about his family gossiping, just ignore it, gossiping is lame and gossiping about something like that just tells you that they have no lives at all.
Post # 13
Will there be anyone else there he is close with?