Post # 1
I’m lost. At this point I’m so distressed over money and everything that I’m ready to call the whole darn thing off! I thought having a long engagement would be good for us and we’d be able to save up enough money. 18 months should be a good amount of time to be saving up right? Well, things just kept coming up and we don’t have enough to pay off our wedding. All we need is $4,000.
Unfortunately, we don’t really have anyone to go to for help. My parents both died 5 years ago and my grandmother lives in the Philippines with very little financially. My grandparents on my father’s side are on a fixed income and my grandfather has some pretty expensive health issues so I wouldn’t dream of burdening them with this. My fiance’s parents are actually against us getting married because we were both married once before and we get the feeling that they wouldn’t be ok with helping us.
That brings me to my father in-law from my previous marriage. He has always been amazing. I’ve known him since I was 13 and he has always been like a father to me since mine wasn’t around. I didn’t actually have contact with my real father until I was 20. My father-in-law (whom I call Dad) has been a huge support. He’s the best grandfather to my daughter you’ve ever seen and flies us out to California from Missouri regularly for visits. He’s even bought me a car to have in California AND given me his old one. His son (my ex-husband) and he have a very rough relationship and haven’t spoken in 9 years so he treats me just like his own child. We talk on a regular basis and are very close to the point of me asking him to walk me down the aisle for my new marriage which he was very happy to do. He loves my fiance and always thinks of him and his son (my soon to be stepson) for the holidays. He’s very well off financially but I’m so scared to ask him for any other help with this wedding. I almost feel like it would be rude to ask him to help me pay for something that legally makes him NOT family any more. I don’t think he’d say no but I also don’t want it to seem like I’m taking advantage of him. I’ve put off asking him for any financial help for 13 months and I’m losing sleep over it.
Even if I did ask him for help it would only be for a loan that I would want to pay back but should I even consider asking him for help with this?? What should I do?? Should I just ask?
Post # 3
Hmm. I have a VERY good relationship with my former in-laws, but I don’t think I would ever ask them for money- even a loan.
Post # 4
Sorry but I wouldn’t ask him.
He sounds like a great guy but he’s also trying to stay in your life for the sake of his grandchild. If it were her wedding, then maybe yes but for your 2nd wedding? Sorry, no. That’s on you.
Post # 5
I don’t think it’s really appropriate to ask him for money, even for a loan. It sounds like you have a fantastic relationship with you ex-FIL and in your shoes I’d be really hesitant to jeopardize that in any way.
You say you need $4k. What is that for, exactly? Is that the cost of the whole wedding, what you owe on various contracts, the price of your dress, or……………?
Post # 6
The $4,000 is for the rest of everything. The catering, the venue, the dress, the photographer. We’ve totally bare boned the whole thing. Our entire wedding is under $5,500.
Post # 7
I can relate because I’m paying for my own wedding and I have seriously thought about what I would do if I could not find the rest of the money to pay for it. I honestly would just get married at the courthouse and try to plan a cheaper party later on when I’ve had time to save up for it. I would not ask your FIL to pay for it. You can certainly tell him that you are considering cancelling the wedding because you don’t have enough money, and IF he offers to help, see if you can work out some type of loan. But I would cut my losses and walk away if I couldn’t pay for it. I know that’s tough to do, but if you don’t have the money, you don’t have the money.
If you’ve invested so much money and can’t stand the thought of cancelling it, then are there other areas you can cut down expenses? Have you mailed invites yet? Can you shorten the guest list? Cut on flowers/centerpieces/extras?
Post # 8
I am of the mindset that you ask no one for money, not even your own parents. So no I would not ask for a loan or anything from anyone.
Weddings are luxuries, so if you truly cannot afford to take your closest loved ones to even a nice dinner, then maybe consider a courthouse elopement? I know it’s not the #1 option, but you’ll get the same results in the end.
Post # 9
I’d try a personal loan from a bank! I definitely wouldn’t ask that of you (admittedly wonderful and generous) ex-FIL!
Post # 10
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@lochnessy: No matter how close, I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask for money. You could drop it into casual conversation that the wedding is costing more than you thought and you wish you had some help. But if he doesn’t offer anything, you’re stuck and need to figure out how to scale back your wedding to fit your budget. We scaled ours back to $5K even with a week long rental of a beach house included so it can be done.
Post # 11
@sienna76: +1… OP you said your entire budget is only $5500 – you’ve been engaged 15 months and have only managed to save $1500? I think you should consider something smaller.
I would never in a million years considering asking my ex FIL for money to get married to someone else, no matter how good a relationship I have with him.
Post # 12
I think it is very inappropriate and has great potential to ruin the great relationship you have.
Post # 13
@lochnessy: Ok, I see.
It seems to me that you have a few other options.
Option 1: Have a small, intimate wedding (You, your FI, immediate family only) at the courthouse. When you can afford it, have a vow renewal/reception to celebrate. (This would probably be the option I would personally choose.)
Option 2: Postpone your wedding a bit longer until you are able to afford it.
Option 3: Take out a personal loan to have your wedding now, and pay it off over time later. (In your situation, this would be my least favorite option; but I’m extremely debt-averse.)
Post # 14
@lochnessy: I am sorry you’re in this predicament but it would be really inappropriate of you to ask him for money when it’s not any sort of emergency but rather a luxury. Have you considered a courthouse ceremony followed by a nice dinner for immediate family afterwards?
Post # 15
@lochnessy: well it soudns like since you knew him since you were 13 its not a normal inlaw sitch
its like if you met him in ur 20s and he just favored you over his son that would be pretty rude
however in you sitch its different he was clearly close to your family or you or knew you some how and watched you grow and become the women you are … he likely took you under his wing at a young age … if he is willing to walk you down the isle i comment that the bond you have as family is not a legal one but a deep rooted one form years of time and bonding
asking might be tricky but i really doubt he find it rude … i do think i ask for it on a loan though just not to make it look weird on the 2 of you later … cause he might get some flack form his family if he just out right gave it to you but if its a loan just pay him back asap good luck
Post # 16
I am very sorry to hear both of your parents passed away.