Post # 1
Over the weekend, we attended my fiancee’s cousin’s wedding who had 9 groomsmen and 8 bridesmaids. I have some close girlfriends and then a lot of aquaintances. I don’t want a huge wedding party for many reasons, too many ppl to keep up with, gifts get expensive when you have a lot, means more hotel rooms, means more dresses we pay for, etc. I said,”wow, that’s a lot of groomsmen!” because I was just surprised, I had never attended a wedding with that many! Now I didn’t know his cousin too well, he was in the army and that was mostly what his party was made up of which makes sense why his bridal party was so large and the fact that many of them had wives who were bridesmaids. My fiancee’s father said,”Well just because you don’t have any friends, doesn’t mean A should be punished.” Frankly I was taken aback by this and it put a knot in my throat and stomach for the rest of the trip. My family is graciously paying for our entire wedding when in today’s culture I feel like that is a luxury and I am fairly frugal and think that having a lot in my bridal party is just not for me. I also feel like my fiancee should say something in my defense to him. He knows what happened and plans on saying something, but I feel like I’m owed an apology! Sure I have a small group of very close friends that I am with regularly, but I don’t think that is a bad thing and I also don’t think that it is any of his concern.
Am I wrong to expect an apology from him? Is it normal for people to have small bridal parties or are they typically larger?
Post # 2
AlieElizabethBennett: That’s very rude of him to say. 9 is a TON of groomsmen, and 8 is a TON of bridesmaids. I’ve never seen a wedding in person with that many!! I’d probably have said something like you did, honestly, just from surprise. You didn’t mean anything by it, and he should not have said what he did. I’m not sure if it would be best to say anything – it might have just been a comment that should have stayed in his head, and that isn’t worth bringing up again for him to apologize. I do think you are deserving of one, but I’m not sure it’s worth the potential hassle. FWIW, I’m having 3 BMs and 3 GMs, and what I usually see via pictures, friends weddings, online etc is around 4-5 BMs. I’d also rather have a couple close friends than quite a few friends. *shrug* I don’t think it really matters either way, but his comment was rude nonetheless.
Post # 3
It’s rude, but it’s not a hill to die on. If you expect an apology for every not-quite-nice remark your in-laws throw out there, you’re bound to be pretty disappointed.
Post # 4
I can totally see why you made that comment, but it sounds like he took it in the worst possible way. I definitely would have been taken back and upset at his response but, to be honest, I don’t think he ‘owes’ you an apology. It would be nice if he recognised on his own that what he said was hurtful and made amends but if that doesn’t happen, I wouldn’t personally pursue it. It probably isn’t worth making relations any more tense, and hopefully won’t matter to you in a few weeks time.
That said, if it really means that much to you and is a massive issue from your point of view, who are we to tell you not to talk to him about it. Either way, hope you feel better soon 🙂
Post # 5
AlieElizabethBennett: That’s pretty rude of him to say!! But maybe he said it in a half-joking way? If your FI was there when he said that, FI should have definitely said something in your defense. But it is just one comment, I think you should be the better person and forgive and forget. I definitely would not expect nor ask for an apology, and I wouldn’t expect your FI to get involved now. What’s done is done, you should let sleeping dogs lie. But if FFIL brings it up again, your FI or you definitely should say something,
Post # 6
You have a FIL who makes stupid comments. Welcome to the club. Don’t dwell on it.
Post # 7
Tone of voice and delivery can make a harmless comment seems otherwise. Perhaps you offended your FIL and he felt the need to defend A? Just a different thought. I would just talk to him to clear the air. Or when your FI talks to him you’ll get a better idea of what happened.
For the record, I have never been to a wedding where there has been less than 8 bridesmaids. In fact, I had 10 bridesmaids, 11 groomsmen, 3 ring bearers, and 1 flower girl. Pretty much the norm where I’m from.
Post # 8
Do you know what his sense of humor is like? I can totally picture one of my family members saying that to me as kind of a joke because I am also the type to have a small group of friends. But I would know they are joking.
Post # 9
how could he possibly have been offended by her comment? that is a lot of groomsmen, and just as he rudely pointed out, having a lot of groomsment does mean you have a lot of friends. So WHAT possible reason could he have had to reply in such a dismissive, rude, and condescending matter to a comment that couldn’t possibly be construed as rude?
Post # 10
AlieElizabethBennett: you said something first and he reacted — it’s possible he thought you were implying that having that many in the wedding party was ostentatious or an over the top display. His response seems very defensive to me and it’s possible your tone was offensive when no offense was meant. It’s possible that your approach to finances is different from his and he took it as a judgment on his family
we can’t know because we weren’t there. Given your comments about reasons for having a small party, you probably meant nothing by your comment. Does FIL know that? If he’s looking for insult where there is none and escalating the situation, you probably won’t get an apology from him. He might be expecting an apology from you.
Fwiw, I’ve seen 0-12 on each side of the bridal party. It never occurred to me to say anything but how lovely everyone looked.
Post # 11
AlieElizabethBennett: You have every right to be upset. I wouldn’t try to involve your FI, but I would let him know how much it upset you, and maybe see what he suggests you do.
My FFIL makes unfiltered comments all the time and my FI reassures me all the time to take them with a grain of salt..I am slowly learning to stand up to him and I think he actually respects me more for it (the other day I told him “I would keep me on your good side if I were you!!”). I know this does not go for everyone, but maybe talk to your FI and see if he can give you advice on how to handle him and get a better feel on his sense of humor.
If all else fails, just remember your FI loves you and he is not his father.
Post # 12
tell him quality over quantity.
my DH has a LOT more close friends and friends in general than i do. i wanted my 3 best girls and my brother to stand by my side. DH ended up with 5, but he wanted 7. I talked him out of the extra 2 because he isn’t really as close with them and i feel the people standing up should be people you are very close to and respect. i didn’t care about uneven sides.
but 8 and 9 is huge. i’ve never been to a wedding with that many. typically 5-6 is most i see.
Post # 13
OP, your FIL may have interpreted your comment as slamming the bride and groom’s choice to their bridal party. Maybe he had a large bridal party as well when he got married, and took it personally.
What he said was rude, but just let it go.
Post # 14
What a jerky thing to say. I don’t think I would say a thing like that even to someone I KNEW was being rude and judgey about the number of groomsmen, because it’s just so overtly aggressive. So basically, your FIL is a jerk. Sorry, but people of that type RARELY spontaneously apologize for their rudeness. I bet that even if your FI talks to him the best you’d get is an “I’m sorry you got your delicate fee-fees hurt by my totally acceptable to NORMAL people comment”-type of apology.
I think if I were you I would tell my FI what happened and say how rude I thought it was and that it hurt my feelings, then leave it to my FI to rein his dad in when we’re all together.
Post # 15
I am guessing either HE took YOUR comment the wrong way, or YOU took HIS comment the wrong way. It sounds like he may have been defensive, thinking you meant your comment in a snide way. That also sounds like something my FIL would say, trying to be funny, (and I would take it as the joke it was meant to be, because I know DH’s family’s sense of humor).
Unless your FFIL is a jerk, (and you don’t mention him being a jerk normally, or making hurtful comments on a regular basis), it was probably just a misunderstanding.