Father-in-law's unfiltered & unneccessary comment

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

AlieElizabethBennett:  That’s very rude of him to say. 9 is a TON of groomsmen, and 8 is a TON of bridesmaids. I’ve never seen a wedding in person with that many!! I’d probably have said something like you did, honestly, just from surprise. You didn’t mean anything by it, and he should not have said what he did. I’m not sure if it would be best to say anything – it might have just been a comment that should have stayed in his head, and that isn’t worth bringing up again for him to apologize. I do think you are deserving of one, but I’m not sure it’s worth the potential hassle. FWIW, I’m having 3 BMs and 3 GMs, and what I usually see via pictures, friends weddings, online etc is around 4-5 BMs. I’d also rather have a couple close friends than quite a few friends. *shrug* I don’t think it really matters either way, but his comment was rude nonetheless. 

Post # 3
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

It’s rude, but it’s not a hill to die on. If you expect an apology for every not-quite-nice remark your in-laws throw out there, you’re bound to be pretty disappointed.

Post # 4
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

gillykat824:  +1

I can totally see why you made that comment, but it sounds like he took it in the worst possible way. I definitely would have been taken back and upset at his response but, to be honest, I don’t think he ‘owes’ you an apology. It would be nice if he recognised on his own that what he said was hurtful and made amends but if that doesn’t happen, I wouldn’t personally pursue it. It probably isn’t worth making relations any more tense, and hopefully won’t matter to you in a few weeks time.

That said, if it really means that much to you and is a massive issue from your point of view, who are we to tell you not to talk to him about it. Either way, hope you feel better soon 🙂

Post # 5
1924 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

AlieElizabethBennett:  That’s pretty rude of him to say!!  But maybe he said it in a half-joking way?  If your FI was there when he said that, FI should have definitely said something in your defense.  But it is just one comment, I think you should be the better person and forgive and forget.  I definitely would not expect nor ask for an apology, and I wouldn’t expect your FI to get involved now.  What’s done is done, you should let sleeping dogs lie.  But if FFIL brings it up again, your FI or you definitely should say something,

Post # 6
6665 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You have a FIL who makes stupid comments. Welcome to the club. Don’t dwell on it.

Post # 7
1024 posts
Bumble bee

Tone of voice and delivery can make a harmless comment seems otherwise. Perhaps you offended your FIL and he felt the need to defend A? Just a different thought. I would just talk to him to clear the air. Or when your FI talks to him you’ll get a better idea of what happened. 

For the record, I have never been to a wedding where there has been less than 8 bridesmaids. In fact, I had 10 bridesmaids, 11 groomsmen, 3 ring bearers, and 1 flower girl. Pretty much the norm where I’m from. 

Post # 8
479 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Do you know what his sense of humor is like?  I can totally picture one of my family members saying that to me as kind of a joke because I am also the type to have a small group of friends.  But I would know they are joking.  

Post # 9
302 posts
Helper bee

how could he possibly have been offended by her comment? that is a lot of groomsmen, and just as he rudely pointed out, having a lot of groomsment does mean you have a lot of friends. So WHAT possible reason could he have had to reply in such a dismissive, rude, and condescending matter to a comment that couldn’t possibly be construed as rude? 

Post # 10
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

AlieElizabethBennett: you said something first and he reacted — it’s possible he thought you were implying that having that many in the wedding party was ostentatious or an over the top display. His response seems very defensive to me and it’s possible your tone was offensive when no offense was meant. It’s possible that your approach to finances is different from his and he took it as a judgment on his family 

we can’t know because we weren’t there. Given your comments about reasons for having a small party, you probably meant nothing by your comment. Does FIL know that? If he’s looking for insult where there is none and escalating the situation, you probably won’t get an apology from him. He might be expecting an apology from you. 

Fwiw, I’ve seen 0-12 on each side of the bridal party. It never occurred to me to say anything but how lovely everyone looked. 

Post # 11
585 posts
Busy bee

AlieElizabethBennett:  You have every right to be upset. I wouldn’t try to involve your FI, but I would let him know how much it upset you, and maybe see what he suggests you do.

My FFIL makes unfiltered comments all the time and my FI reassures me all the time to take them with a grain of salt..I am slowly learning to stand up to him and I think he actually respects me more for it (the other day I told him “I would keep me on your good side if I were you!!”). I know this does not go for everyone, but maybe talk to your FI and see if he can give you advice on how to handle him and get a better feel on his sense of humor.

If all else fails, just remember your FI loves you and he is not his father.

Post # 12
6158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

tell him quality over quantity. 

my DH has a LOT more close friends and friends in general than i do.  i wanted my 3 best girls and my brother to stand by my side.  DH ended up with 5, but he wanted 7.  I talked him out of the extra 2 because he isn’t really as close with them and i feel the people standing up should be people you are very close to and respect.  i didn’t care about uneven sides.

but 8 and 9 is huge.  i’ve never been to a wedding with that many. typically 5-6 is most i see.

Post # 13
2172 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Ham1320:  +1

OP, your FIL may have interpreted your comment as slamming the bride and groom’s choice to their bridal party.  Maybe he had a large bridal party as well when he got married, and took it personally.

What he said was rude, but just let it go.

Post # 14
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

What a jerky thing to say. I don’t think I would say a thing like that even to someone I KNEW was being rude and judgey about the number of groomsmen, because it’s just so overtly aggressive. So basically, your FIL is a jerk. Sorry, but people of that type RARELY spontaneously apologize for their rudeness. I bet that even if your FI talks to him the best you’d get is an “I’m sorry you got your delicate fee-fees hurt by my totally acceptable to NORMAL people comment”-type of apology.

I think if I were you I would tell my FI what happened and say how rude I thought it was and that it hurt my feelings, then leave it to my FI to rein his dad in when we’re all together.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by  ohnatto.
Post # 15
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am guessing either HE took YOUR comment the wrong way, or YOU took HIS comment the wrong way.  It sounds like he may have been defensive, thinking you meant your comment in a snide way.  That also sounds like something my FIL would say, trying to be funny, (and I would take it as the joke it was meant to be, because I know DH’s family’s sense of humor).  

Unless your FFIL is a jerk, (and you don’t mention him being a jerk normally, or making hurtful comments on a regular basis), it was probably just a misunderstanding.

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