Post # 1
HELP! My stepfather came into my life when I was only 14 months old, and I don’t remember life before him. Although my father was actively involved in my life, I feel I was fortunate to have been blessed with two wonderful men. Here’s the kicker: I love my dad, but he has a tendency to be extremely manipulative and want things to go exactly his way. Him and my fiance are on bad terms due to an event that happened immediately prior to our engagement, so dad says nothing but harsh things about my fiance and my fiance has lost all respect for my father. I am my father’s only daughter, and he never married; my mother left the relationship when I was a baby due to my father’s drug addictions. He became clean when I was 5-6 and has been good ever since. Dad will be paying for the wedding and ceremony venue (it’s in one location) which includes the food and alcohol. However, he isn’t happy with our decision because it “wasn’t his idea.” Yesterday, he told me that he will not pay for anything if I don’t only have him walk me down the aisle. I can’t imagine not involving my stepdad; he raised me! My dad said he would let my stepdad walk me the ten feet to the aisle and then he will hand me over to my dad. When I told my dad that having both of them walk me down has been my dream for as long as I can remember, he called me selfish, rude, disrespectful, and said I am self-centered. His exact words were “this wedding is all about you and you aren’t thinking about what I want!” I am furious at him. I understand he wants to give me away, that’s perfectly understandable, but I am at the point where I want to walk down alone and then have both men give me hugs and kisses at the altar and let my dad give me to my fiance. That idea has not been mentioned ot my dad yet…..Did I mention that I’m 24 y.o. moving in with my fiance in a month, graduating with my Master’s of Social Work in May, moving with my fiance to wherever he goes to medical school in August, and getting married in October? Dad also stated that he can’t believe I’m leaving him and that once I’m married, I’m officially off his payroll. If anyone else has had controlling manipulative guilt-ridden parents, how did you deal with them?
Post # 3
If he’s going to behave this way then don’t take his money for the wedding, and then you can make your own decisions.
Post # 4
The easiest way to become independent is to stop taking other people’s money. That disempowers people that use money in a manipulative way.
Post # 5
Don’t take his money – it will solve your problems here and you can call the shots. I’m a 4 time MOB and his “you aren’t thinking about what I want!” is very telling. Don’t accept his money.
Post # 6
While he is being selfish, you are taking his money.
Post # 7
I agree with the PPs. When you agreed to take his money, you agreed to consider his opinions. He has now voiced his opinion, and you have to find a way to reconcile it with your vision. Otherwise, you can return his money and proceed on your own terms.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
@lekiloui: Well, I have to say that I think your father is being ridiculous. And why does giving children money for a wedding give parents some kind of permission to act silly? This comes up again and again on this board, and I wonder how many of the people who recommend “giving back the money” would have been able to do the same thing if it were them. Ok, random weird rant over.
Yep, I’d be drinking too, OP. If there is no making your dad see sense– that your stepfather is extremely important to you and you’d like to include him– your choices are to walk alone, as you are considering doing, or not take his money. I imagine the latter isn’t so easy, but maybe you could try and save up?
My favorite quote: “this wedding is all about you and you aren’t thinking about what I want!”
lmao. What do people think weddings are?
Post # 10
Ugh. What a dick! Can you afford to pay for it?
Post # 11
Unfortunately, there is no way my fiance and I could pay for a wedding. We did look into two barn-type places that would be a bit cheaper than where we are getting married, but even then we would need to rely on others. My mom and stepdad are doing what they can, but they also putting my brother through college. My fiance’s parents are paying for their daughter to go through college, and they live on a very limited income so as it is. I sell Premier Jewelry as a side job, but school and my internship are my top priority. My fiance has a good job now, but we are saving for when he goes to med school in the fall and will be surviving on my social work income. It has been my father’s dream my entire life to pay his daughter’s wedding. I”m imagining that is his pride, as well as showing off to the Greeks. When I stated that he will have nothing to do with this if we can’t compromise on anything, he flipped and said that not involving him will kill him. As much as he drives me crazy, I do care about him. Ergh…how frustrating.
Post # 12
@lekiloui: It really comes down to 1) you take his money and the resulting problems/manipulation that come with it; or 2) you have the wedding you can afford, which sounds it would be an elopement.
I would do the latter.
Post # 13
Don’t take the money from your father.
If you can’t afford a wedding on your own, then you need to wait or have a smaller wedding, or just elope.
I dealt with my manipulative father by getting myself out of his “debt” (meaning I got my own car, my own cell phone plan, my own insurance) and stopped talking to him for 10 years.
I would never EVER take my father up on an offer to help pay for the wedding, because I know what kinds of ridiculous strings come attached to that.
You say you love your father, but it sounds to me like he doesn’t love you all that much – he just likes to show you off to make himself looks good.
That’s how my father works and I mostly cut him out of my life for it – I’m so much happier!
Post # 14
@CakeyP: Wow, harsh much? That’s rude saying her dad doesn’t love her. I mean, really?
OP, could your dad walk you down and then your stepdad do the father daughter dance, or vice versa? I too am the only daughter but thankfully my parents are still together and my dad is paying for my wedding too. Just try to calmly tell him how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. If he is paying for the wedding just remind him that HE is paying for the wedding, not your stepdad. That way if he’s trying to look better than him, he can at least say he paid for your wedding
Good luck. Big hugs
Post # 15
Don’t listen to those telling you not to take the money.
This is a NICE thing that your father is doing for you and the worst thing you could possibly do is to throw it back in his face. I would be graciously accepting his gift too if I was in your shoes.
As for the aisle. I actually think that your dad’s idea (that you start walking with your stepdad, he hands you to your dad and you finish at the altar) is better than just meeting all three men at the alter. At this point you’ll just want to get to your FI and won’t be able to give your fathers the indiviudal attention that they deserve. Plus, walking one by one means that you CAN spend some nice, one-on-one walking time with them.
Normally my advice would be to not give into the child throwing the tantrum (your father). But given that I think his idea sounds good, it is obviously important to him AND it means you can continue to use his gift in good conscious, plus not insult your step father – then I say go with it.
Sometimes you have to pick your battles.
Post # 16
Things have improved silghtly, and he agreed to both men walking me down. It might look silly, but I don’t really care. Dad admitted that he needs to put away his pride and think about me and my fiance at our wedding. I’m still in a state of shock, but relieved and happy. We are still on ends with a few other things, but I really appreciate all the support on here. Planning a wedding is stressful so as it is…family drynamics don’t help much!