Father is driving me to drink….help!!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If he’s going to behave this way then don’t take his money for the wedding, and then you can make your own decisions.

Post # 4
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@sara_tiara:  +1

The easiest way to become independent is to stop taking other people’s money. That disempowers people that use money in a manipulative way.

 

Post # 5
Member
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t take his money – it will solve your problems here and you can call the shots.  I’m a 4 time MOB and his “you aren’t thinking about what I want!” is very telling.  Don’t accept his money.

Post # 6
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

While he is being selfish, you are taking his money.

Post # 7
Member
11722 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with the PPs.  When you agreed to take his money, you agreed to consider his opinions.  He has now voiced his opinion, and you have to find a way to reconcile it with your vision.  Otherwise, you can return his money and proceed on your own terms.

Post # 8
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

 

@lekiloui:  Well, I have to say that I think your father is being ridiculous.  And why does giving children money for a wedding give parents some kind of  permission to act silly? This comes up again and again on this board, and I wonder how many of the people who recommend “giving back the money” would have been able to do the same thing if it were them. Ok, random weird rant over.

Yep, I’d be drinking too, OP. If there is no making your dad see sense– that your stepfather is extremely important to you and you’d like to include him– your choices are to walk alone, as you are considering doing, or not take his money. I imagine the latter isn’t so easy, but maybe you could try and save up?

My favorite quote: “this wedding is all about you and you aren’t thinking about what I want!” 

lmao. What do people think weddings are?

Post # 9
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

@prahajess:  +1!

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugh. What a dick! Can you afford to pay for it?

Post # 12
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@lekiloui:  It really comes down to 1) you take his money and the resulting problems/manipulation that come with it; or 2) you have the wedding you can afford, which sounds it would be an elopement. 

I would do the latter.

Post # 13
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Don’t take the money from your father.
If you can’t afford a wedding on your own, then you need to wait or have a smaller wedding, or just elope.

I dealt with my manipulative father by getting myself out of his “debt” (meaning I got my own car, my own cell phone plan, my own insurance) and stopped talking to him for 10 years.

I would never EVER take my father up on an offer to help pay for the wedding, because I know what kinds of ridiculous strings come attached to that.

You say you love your father, but it sounds to me like he doesn’t love you all that much – he just likes to show you off to make himself looks good.

That’s how my father works and I mostly cut him out of my life for it – I’m so much happier!

Post # 14
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@CakeyP:  Wow, harsh much? That’s rude saying her dad doesn’t love her. I mean, really?

 

OP, could your dad walk you down and then your stepdad do the father daughter dance, or vice versa? I too am the only daughter but thankfully my parents are still together and my dad is paying for my wedding too. Just try to calmly tell him how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. If he is paying for the wedding just remind him that HE is paying for the wedding, not your stepdad. That way if he’s trying to look better than him, he can at least say he paid for your wedding

Good luck. Big hugs

Post # 15
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Don’t listen to those telling you not to take the money.

This is a NICE thing that your father is doing for you and the worst thing you could possibly do is to throw it back in his face. I would be graciously accepting his gift too if I was in your shoes.

As for the aisle. I actually think that your dad’s idea (that you start walking with your stepdad, he hands you to your dad and you finish at the altar) is better than just meeting all three men at the alter. At this point you’ll just want to get to your FI and won’t be able to give your fathers the indiviudal attention that they deserve. Plus, walking one by one means that you CAN spend some nice, one-on-one walking time with them. 

Normally my advice would be to not give into the child throwing the tantrum (your father). But given that I think his idea sounds good, it is obviously important to him AND it means you can continue to use his gift in good conscious, plus not insult your step father – then I say go with it. 

Sometimes you have to pick your battles. 

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