(Closed) Father passed away 2 years ago and Mother doesn’t want him acknowledged

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Hostess
18646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow that’s so tough.  I understand that they didn’t get along but he was still your father and was still a part of your life.  Maybe you could have a slideshow at the rehearsal dinner?

Post # 4
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That’s crazy.  I’m tempted to say… “uhh.  It’s YOUR wedding.  Do what you want.”

Can you afford to pay for the wedding yourself?  If it were me and it was that important to me, I would just tell my mom politely that I have chosen to pay for the wedding myself and do it my way since it’s my day.

She might end up coming around…

 

Sorry to hear about your father and your situation.  

Post # 4
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That’s crazy.  I’m tempted to say… “uhh.  It’s YOUR wedding.  Do what you want.”

Can you afford to pay for the wedding yourself?  If it were me and it was that important to me, I would just tell my mom politely that I have chosen to pay for the wedding myself and do it my way since it’s my day.

She might end up coming around…

 

Sorry to hear about your father and your situation.  

Post # 5
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My father passed away two years ago too and I would have a really hard time not including him somehow in my day.  I’m sorry your mom is being so difficult… and selfish, really. 

What about lighting a candle in his memory during the ceremony or having some pictures set up at the reception site of the two of you? I think finding lots of little ways to include him (you can even carry something of his on your wedding day)  won’t seem as offensive to your mother but will still make you feel as if you are honoring your dad. 

HUGS!

Post # 6
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I really like the idea of lighting a candle in his honor.  Also. what if you were to put a picture of him up at the alter? That’s something you can sneak up there at the last minute if things are really that bad and then you can just let your mom be mad after. 

I’m so sorry that she feels that way.  Try talking to her again in a reasonable manner or if you fear that she will argue with you, write her a letter explaining how you really feel.  Explain that you love her and your stepfather, and your love for your father doesn’t take away your love for either of them.  Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Can you afford at all to pay for it even if it is scaled down?  When my dad started saying things like that I started figuring out how to scale way back and pay for it ourselves.  He ended up being ok though.

Post # 8
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Wow I’m so sorry that you are going through this! Like PPs have said, is there any way you can pay for it or scale back? If not, I would just go for it. I feel bad giving advice like this but your mom should understand that regardless of her feelings, he was your father and you would like him acknowledged during YOUR special day.

I’d keep up the conversations with her because it sounds unreasonable that she expects you to not acknowledge your dad. Your mom can’t pick every detail of your wedding, even if she’s paying and I think slipping in  a few pictures, lighting a candle, or having the dj play and dedicate a song would be perfect and could be done. Good luck to you and keep us posted!!

Post # 9
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Kymberly,

I am so sorry for your loss and what a difficult time this must be. bittersweet…

My daughter Kym (yes spelled the same way, and she is 23) is planning a wedding.  Although her dad and I are divorced and he wasn’t part of her life for a good portion of it, I would never consider my love for her less important than my hatred of her father.  She has decided to have both my husband and her dad walk her down the aisle.

Does your mother realize how important it is for you?  Maybe she just doesn’t realize how important it is to you for this to be part of your wedding?  or perhaps you could name tables after his favorite things or songs?  It is very important for you to have your wedding YOUR way… Please do not look back on the day with any regrets, even if it means scaling back, having alot of diy projects, and having a wedding on a budget.

What is more important?  The size of the wedding or the symbolism of all being involved.

 

Pleae keep us posted as to what you decide.

Good luck sweetie!

Ronney Kendall

Phoenix, AZ

Post # 11
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1991

Although your mom has negative feelings for you dad… I think she is being selfish not to have him involved in anyway during the wedding. I mean, you LOVED him! And it is really hard to be a bride when your father can’t walk you down the aisle. I am a spoiled brat, so I would probably hound her about it and throw a fit. If she still didn’t budge and it was that important to her… I would tell her to stop paying for the wedding because I want my father, who died 2 years ago, to be acknowledged on my wedding day.

Eh, not everyone would handle it that way. Like I said, I’m spoiled. But it just seems unreasonable to not ackowledge your father just because your mom doesn’t like him. I would be heartbroken 🙁

Post # 12
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

She’s being unreasonable. You should save up your nickels and dimes pay for it yourself. Personally, I will not be held hostage on my wedding day. And i’m sure this will be one the first of many unreasonable demands to come with the wedding being so far off anyway.

Post # 13
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Just because she is paying for the wedding doesn’t mean that it is alright for her to be this selfish. Even if she hated him, he was still your dad and very important to you. If she doesn’t like that you are having a slide show (which is a beautiful idea btw) then she can leave when it is playing. Like bklynbridetobe said – I won’t be held hostage on my wedding day either.

Has she actually said that she won’t pay for the wedding if you do this?

Post # 14
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

do something small like a locket on your bouquet!

Post # 15
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Maybe you could pay for the slideshow portion yourself? I know that my DJ offered it at an additional cost. That is insanly rude of her to say something like that since the wedding isn’t about her or her feelings.

Though there are some wedding situations where if the family is paying I think that they should get some say if there is an issue (in my case my mom wanted to invite friends from work and for me to add extra layers of tulle on my veil to cover my tattoos during the ceremony), I don’t feel this is one of those cases at all. If it is something that means a lot to you then she should be supportive. Don’t let the “I am paying for your wedding” keep you back from something that is important to you.

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