Father vs. Step Father tradition advice (long)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
12 posts
Newbee

@NotablySidedJP:  The walk down the isle and dance is a tradtion honoring the man you would consider your Dad. The one who supports you and cares about your well being. I think you know which one that is.  

 

Biology makes a father…caring makes a Dad.

 

Oh, and the fact you don’t even know if your bio-father will even show up should tell you all you need.

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lurkinggroom:  +10000

I would still tell your bio-father (real dad seems a bit… off in this situation) what your decisoin is.  If he burns the bridge, he burns the bridge.  Honesty is the best policy when it comes to dealing with family.

Post # 6
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Since there is a 50/50 chance your father may not show up but a 100% chance that your step-dad is there with bells on I think I would choose to do those traditions with my step dad. I’d probably call your bio dad and let him know of your decision prior to the actual day though.

Post # 8
Member
821 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

For my wedding, I had my stepdad walk me down the aisle and I did the father/daughter dance with bio dad. I didn’t decide until the day before my wedding not because I couldn’t make up my mind but because I knew someone would get hurt. I didn’t tell bio dad of my decision beforehand and he avoided me after the wedding and did so for about a year and a half. At first it bothered me but then I got angry. Instead of him being vocal about it, he did what he did best. Run away like he did most of my life. I do not have much of a relationship with him and it no longer matters to me. My stepdad is and has been there for me for 3/4 of my life.

Do what feels right to you. It’s your day. I would agree with previous posters who suggested telling bio dad first so he isn’t blindsided if he is expecting to do these traditions with you.

Post # 9
Member
12 posts
Newbee

@NotablySidedJP:  I get where you are coming from. I went a full 10 year stretch once not talking with my bio-father due to the exact same situation. His new wife basically cutting off his kids from the first marriage.

But, you know what? He is an adult man, fully capable of making his own decisions. He decided, not her, where his priorities were. You can’t place yourself in the situation that you feel it’s your responsibility to make him feel involved when he never stepped up to be so.

When I recently told my bio-father I was getting married next year, his response was, well I’ll have to talk to X (his wife) and see if we can afford to come. Plane flight we be about $200.00 ea for them to come. 

So, I just said” hope you can make it let me know when you get the invite”. Then wrote him off having any role in the wedding.

 

Post # 10
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would do traditions with stepdad, but invite bio-Dad.

Post # 11
Member
7286 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lurkinggroom:  Perfect answer. 

And I’m sorry, a slap to the face to who?? He pretty much abandoned you guys so how dare he be offended. And if he is, its about his ego and nothing to do with you, if that makes sense.  Your father is the man that supported you and clearly to me that honor should be with your step father. 

Post # 12
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@NotablySidedJP:  No offence OP, but your bio dad sounds like a terrible person. Yeah, it might be a slap in the face to watch our stepdad walk you down the aisle but I’m sure it was a slap in the face for you when your dad chose his other family over you and your siblings, or when he told you he doesn’t think you deserve a college education because you’re a woman. 

Our family situations sound pretty similar and I actually posted a thread about this a few months ago. The unanimous response was that I should go for my stedad and it sounds like you should too Don’t let someone be the guest of honour at your wedding if there is only a 50% chance they will show up. 

I know it’s hard but you have to remember that your dad is an adult and his wife didn’t make him do anything. If you were a priority in his life like you should be, then he would have never stood for his wife being so terrible to you. He is an adult with enough agency to make his own decisions. He hasn’t even reached out to you, so I don’t see why you should try to force a relationship he doesn’t seem to care about. 

If your father is upset on your wedding day then it’s because he is a selfish man who is facing the consequences of his bad actions. I’m sorry if you feel like I’m being harsh, OP but I see so much of my situation in yours and I really want you to make the right decision. 

Post # 13
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@NotablySidedJP:  From reading your post, your stepfather IS your Dad.

He deserves ALL the traditons. Your real dad made his bed. He allowed his new wife to isolate him.

 

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