Post # 1
I’m at home and thinking about all the things that are wrong with me. I’m thinking about things I’ve said to my FI over the course of our relationship and am feeling soooo guilty.
I know in our relationship I have more “issues”. I am sensitive, defensive, insecure and jump whenever someone is rude/annoying/manipulative/aggressive etc. My FI is an incredibly evolved human being, he is kind, patient, loyal, supportive and everything else you’d want in a spouse. He is so level headed; faced with the same experiences he always takes the high road.
I know I have many good qualities (as my FI keeps telling me) but I can’t see them at the moment. I’m recalling multiple things I’ve said about his family, about one of his friends and am cringing at my big fat mouth. I can be over-emotional and intense and I don’t like this about myself. Things I’ve said are true but non-the-less unnecessary to have pointed out so emphatically. I just want to give my FI the same as he gives me.
How do I move past the guilt? I could really use examples from other bees about similar issues you’re having because at the moment I’m feeling like the only one in the world like me.
Post # 3
oh I’m sorry you’re feeling guilty! That’s an awful feeling:( my mom has always told me don’t feel bad, just apologize and never do it again 🙂
Post # 4
I don’t have any advice because I’m like you are. I’m insensitive ( I REALLY have to try to be nice), I’m not empathetic at all, I’m short tempered, impatient, antisocial, anxious, a worrier, disorganized. I’m really good at hiding my snark behind sarcasm. I’m honestly the most horrible people person ever. I don’t enjoy spending time with many people at all and pointless conversation annoys me to no end. In fact, I’m not sure that I’m even supposed to be human. Maybe I should have been a cat?
All that aside, while we all have negative qualities, we also have good ones and it’s important to focus on those.
For example, despite who I am, I can give good advice, I’m logical and I’m a walking book of useless and random facts, I can sing, I taught myself how to play the piano. All of these are things like I like about myself and when I think about it I feel better about my short comings as a human being.
ETA: My brain to mouth filter also likes to malfunction at the worst of times. If you’ve apologized for whatever was said, that’s all you can do. Don’t get it get to you.
Post # 5
I do the SAME EXACT thing! O_O;
I am going through exactly what you are right now….So…sadly I have no advice.
I was beginning to think I was some freak of nature though. xD
Post # 6
@smileyme: You are describing my relationship to a T! My husband is pretty much perfect and I know I’m probably the dud, lol. Just don’t be too hard on yourself. Your amazing FI obviously sees some special qualities in you.. One of which is clearly the desire to better yourself. I know I’m a better person because of my husband and I’m sure you are because of your FI. Slowly but surely you will be the person you want to be 🙂 Just take it one thing at a time, like maybe promising yourself to hold your tongue about his friends and family for at least a week.. Then a month.. Etc etc. It will give you some time to think about the consequences first before blurting things out
Post # 7
@smileyme: OMG. I read your post and I felt like you were describing me! Girl, you are NOT alone! I get really down sometimes and start thinking about mistakes from YEARS ago and about all the things I’ve done wrong. It makes me sweat and stress eat really bad.
I don’t know if you have religion, I’m not a fanatic or anything but I pray about it when I start feeling REALLY bad or I work out. During my prayer or workout I just become really determined to do better and be better. My FH and my parents always tell me you can’t change the past and you can only resolve to do better next time. 🙂
PS: your FH sounds just like mine! AMAZING! He’s a total keeper right? We are lucky ladies!
Post # 8
I could have WRITTEN your post. You are not alone at all.
I’ve been getting better though. Instead of making myself feel selfish, I hold on to positive feedback that I do get, especially not from my SO because I feel like he is obligated to say these things, and I reminds myself of the good things I do. No one is perfect and no one expects you to be or probably pays half as much attention to the shifty things you do as you.
Post # 9
This describes me perfectly – I will do and say things without thinking, I’m socially awkward, I have a short fuse, I get upset about tiny little things (I nearly lost it when fiance opened a Christmas present early!). I honestly struggle to see my good qualities sometimes – and sometimes my worst quality is that I can’t see anything good in myself and all I can do is sit there a wallow in what a stupid, useless lump of flesh I am.
But we do have our good qualities! I’m sure we do, otherwise these fantastic guys wouldn’t love us like they do.
Post # 10
I think the best way to get over guilt is to recognize growth from it.
I usually feel guilty over how I handle a situation until it occurs a couple more times, and I handle it better.
View these situations as learning curves and adjust. You are only human and life doesn’t come with a manual . You definitely have to try stuff out a few times until you get it right, even interactions!
Post # 11
I could have written this. And it’s reassuring to see so many bees say the same things. I like all the advice given. Thanks everyone!
Post # 12
@smileyme: You’re already self-aware or you wouldn’t have written this post.
From what you’ve said I gather a few things – you’re a good, kind person with an amazingly loving and generous heart. How can I tell? Because it pains you to think how you may have hurt anyone, ever, even unintentionally or inadvertently. If you were a selfish or narcissistic person you would never have been able to write what you wrote.
I’m sure your FI adores you completely, “flaws” and all, as you adore him.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. You may be the kind of person, like I am, who “thinks out loud” and sometimes the thoughts pop out without a filter. Work on building up a filter, but also give yourself a break about it. It seems clear your FI isn’t offended by you and loves you for who you are. We all have faults and flaws. The good news is that once you recognize your own faults you’re on the road to growth and healing.
Post # 13
WOW! I’m overwhemled with peace after reading all your wonderful posts. It’s the first bit of slack I’ve cut myself in the last few days. I had a good chuckle reading all your posts and have more hope that I can work on these things. You’ve all given me insight into your own lives which I have greatly appreciated.
@mrstau732: You’re on the money, my FI is wonderful and generous and I feel so lucky to have him. As I know you feel about your FI.
@BeachBride2014: Too true, we certainly don’t come with a manual but we can definately learn from our mistakes.
@Sunfire: Thank you for your lovely post. It really touched my heart; it helped me see myself in a different light in relation to this. And I also realised that my filter has major holes in it especially when it came to certain people. Something I’ve now decided to work on.
Post # 14
@smileyme: I’m so glad I was able to help a little. We’ve all had things pop out of our mouths at times we wish we could take back. The important thing is being aware and apologizing immediately. Sooner or later you’ll catch yourself before something regretful pops out, lol. 😉 And that is a really great feeling (I know it well having honed my filter for years now).
Post # 15
You’re not a scorpio are you? haha.. I’m the same exact way.. or should I say was.. I would go off at the slightest thing.. Horrible temper. Then I got into natural medicine and realized that anger/guilt and any other negative feelings affect your body.. then I went further into exploring yoga, meditation and other metaphysical stuff. It really has helped. I watch what I say and don’t sweat the small stuff-as much. It’s hard to break old habits but I’m much better than I was. It just feels good to be positive vs a negative nelly
Post # 16
@smileyme: I am the firey one in our relationship as well. I can really spit venom at times and have MANY instances where I have cringed thinking back to the things I am capable of saying. Its like if certain emotions are triggered, things just fly out of my mouth and its too late. I have a tendancy to go straight for what I know will be most effective, meaning I know how to hurt someone or stun them enough to shut them up and when im pushed even just a little, I go in for the kill. Its not a great quality and its caused me lots of guilt in many situations. I have to remind myself that whats done is done, I apologize as best as I can and I work everyday to keep myself in check. It’s a struggle always. But with the support of FI and those who love me, I have been able to become a much better person in general and I actually take time before I speak and can usually talk myself down from being a complete jerk. I feel your pain OP