FBIL needs rehab.. FI wants him to stay with us. Can we fix this?

posted 2 years ago in Family
Member
3236 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I don’t think you can fix this for him.  He probably needs to be in an inpatient program.  

Member
2264 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think your FBIL should stay with you guys if he doesn’t seek help of his own volition before he moves in. It’s hard enough to want to push and support him through treatment when he wants to get it. It will cause undue stress on you and your FI individually and impact you guys as a couple if you’re constantly having to keep an eye out for sketchy behavior. You can only help those who honestly want to help themselves.

Member
1918 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Unfortunately I think you can’t really do anything. Rehab only works if he’s committed to it 100% and it doesn’t sound like he is even 1% committed. I would have your fiance talk to him, but it probably won’t have an effect. Unfortunately he has to want to get help in order for it to work, and even more unfortunately many people have to hit bottom in order to want to get help. Fortunately though he’s a grown man and not your responsibility. You do not have to take care of him, nor should you necessarily. If you are struggling with this, it may be best for both you and FI to go see a counselor that specializes in substance abuse and the relatives of substance abusers.

Member
5322 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t willingly invite a substance abuser into my home. the stress is not worth it. You guys can’t get him back on track. If and when he wants help he will take the proper steps on his own. Being engaged comes with enough stress why add this to the list, it won’t end well. Even if you help him now, and he improves, so what, that doesn’t mean he can’t relapse. And then what? Are you going to take him in again? 

Member
5322 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@UpAtNight28:  I know he sounds like an idiot but he’s actually really smart and sweet and mannerly…it’s just like shocking that this is really going on when he’s left on his own...

He doesn’t sound like an idiot. I’m sure he’s a wonderful man but he has a problem that you and your FH can’t fix. 

Member
2139 posts
Buzzing bee

No I don’t think you should allow a drug addict into your home unless you are an addiction specialist. I know you and FI are trying to do the right thing but if he is doing heroin he needs hard core rehab, it’s not like he’s smoking a J once in awhile. I think the only thing you guys can do is not give him money (he’s spending it on drugs) and tell him you’ll be supportive of him if he decides to go to rehab (it has to be his decision otherwise he’ll relapse and will be wasting everyone’s time) if he admits he has an addiction and wants help then look into rehab facilities that are close to you/FI so you can visit and be supportive of him, without bringing him to live in your home. Some rehab facilities are government funded, if he agrees start calling around and tell them his situation (no insurance) I’m sure they can offer solutions or put you in touch with other agencies that may be able to assist him. Good luck to you all and keep us updated.

Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think that inviting him to live with you, subsidizing his rent, etc is going to help him. He needs to want to help himself. You’re inviting a whole host of issues, and a lot of stress on yourselves and your relationship. You can’t fix him by  having him come live with you, it’s also not your responsibility to set ultimatums for him to get him to change, or parent him. I would not give him money either because as a PP said, he is likely using it for drugs. Don’t let yourself get drug down with him. If you are going to financially assist, offer to help pay for rehab.

Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

…spiraling into a whole lifetime of problems for my family including both financial strain and emotional pain.

The emotional pain I get…. but the financial strain indicates that your family tends to enable…. which is what you are sort of attempting to do with FBIL.

 

…so that FI could keep an eye on him and hopefully help him start over. …….  But I mean, we’re talking about a grown man so I don’t know what to do.

This is not your FI’s fight.  Or your fight for that matter.  This is FBIL’s fight.  The two of you SHOULD be support, not critical components and certainly not instigators or catalysts.  Your FBIL has to want to change.  Until he does….. the BEST thing you can do for him is stay out of it and make it difficult for him (ie – DO NOT pay his rent.  EVER.  AGAIN.)

My opinion?  Get yourself to a counselor who can help YOU adjust your reactions to your FBIL (and your FI to his brother).

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