- 4 years ago
I posted a few weeks ago about my FI who seems to be suffering from depression and anxiety right now. I think the work stress and weddingplanning stress was triggering it. Luckily his work stress seems to have diminished and I have cut back on talking about the wedding and planning intensely. But it is killing me that when he goes through these periods where he doesn’t feel confident in our relationship and questions whether our differences regarding things like music, movies, different diet, different sports preferences, etc. mean we shouldn’t be together. I have tried, in the past, to show him that there is compromise and middle ground and that we have what really matters in a relationship and not those other more surface things.
But sometimes he falls into this rut where he wonders if we are right together and obssesses over our “differences”. This happened before we were engaged also but it seems to be worse now. He wondered if being married meant he would have to give up everything he cares about, if he would always have to appease me, etc. I hate that he has that kind of negative view about me and such black and white thinking because I am totally up for compromising and I want him to be happy and have his preferences taken into account, which I’ve told him. The past few weeks when he revealed to me he was suffering from depression and that he’s been having anxiety have been particularly rough for both of us and I’m trying to do the best I can in terms of being supportive but I have a hard time holding it together when I keep thinking “he’s going to get really scared and call it off” or “maybe i should stop planning the wedding in case he calls it off.”
From my other post, I mentioned that he has a really hard time talking about his emotions and listening to my emotions, which is an understatement. We are doing premarital counseling and working on communication which I believe is helping, and he has talked to the counselor on his own and I think he is trying to see someone else on his own. I have a hard time keeping things inside but it seems like everytime i check in with him or reveal that I am nervous to him, it makes him anxious and makes the situation worse. Then we end up fighting (in a healthy, respectful way) which we never really do and he isn’t the same for days after. Does anyone else have a fiance that hates talking about things?
I know communication is key but right now I think the situation is too delicate for me to continue push him to talk. He has put in a real effort to show me he cares in his own way- making me a bath when I came home from the dog park one day, buying me a candle that turns into lotion, cooking me dinner, etc. But I am a words person and I would really like to hear from him all the good things about our relationship and that he knows we are right together, which I’m not sure he can do right now, given his limitations and the depression. Any ideas on how I can deal with this? I think that now that the work stress and wedding stress has died down a bit, if we have some fun together and normal times that our relationship really needs, he will be able to push down those doubts and remember the positives about our relationship.
Thanks for listening 🙂