Fear of abandonment.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

The best way for you to be able to cope and move forward is to deal with these feelings, I hid my depression for years because I didn’t want to deal with it, but that made it worse. Yes it will be incredibly hard to talk about what you are feeling, but the counsellor is there to help and you will feel so much better being able to talk to someone about how you are feeling.

And maybe, after you have been seeing someone for a while, you could take your DH along so he can understand what’s going on and how he can best help & support you. You will get through this, your feelings are completely understandable and valid, and it is ok to talk about them. Good luck OP, *internet hugs*.

Post # 3
Member
5228 posts
Bee Keeper

dannielle89:  It sounds like you could definitely benefit from some counseling. You might even benefit from an antidepressant that is gears towards anxiety, and your therapist can help determine that. I’m so sorry you lost your Mom. It is never easy to lose a parent, and at that age it is devestating.

I’m also very sorry about your Dad. Men can be victims of dometic abuse just as easy as women. I think that gets down played a lot, and it shouldn’t.

Post # 4
Member
4918 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I agree that a counselor could be a great idea for you.  You went through so much pain so young, I can see how it would affect you now.

Post # 5
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

My mom was my rock. My mom died from lung cancer in Jan 2014 so this year and I find I no longer have a cheerleader. Which makes things worse because my parents were landlords and didn’t let my sister or myself into their business because they were perfectionists and now my dad expects us to do everything. I am younger than my sister by almost 6 years and even though my sister drinks every night and hasn’t worked in almost 6 years and before my mom passed was living off of her savings and I always had a full time job and never asked them for anything, I feel my dad favours her because she is the eldest and he prefers her FI over my DH. Whenever a super calls with a problem regarding one of the buildings my sister is the one who is called and she doesn’t always know the answer so she asks her FI. My DH works long hours so he can’t always be there for me like her FI because her FI has a job that is flexible. It makes me upset that my dad puts so much faith in her because she is the eldest and prefers her FI even though I have a better work ethic, it makes me feel like he prefers our spouses over ourselves and I don’t feel valued as a individual! I am still mourning my moms’ death so sometimes I let things slide because I am depressed. My DH works long hours so he can’t always help me but my sister always has her FI to help her with things that we are not familiar with so my dad depends on them more than myself and it drives me nuts and makes me more depressed than before. I have thought about seeking counseling or speaking with my dad about it but my dad doesn’t like confrontation and I don’t want to drive him away. My mom used to do everything regarding his business and now that she is gone, I feel bullied because I am only one person and I do not have anyone to help me. I can feel your pain even though yours is to do with your stepmom. I think counseling can be good, to let out some frustration. I don’t think it matters how long a parent has passed, there is no limit on greiving. Don’t keep things bottled up it is not healthy and it will just make things worse. Get a professional’s opinion and then move forward from there, it’s been a long time and you are still having issues so obviously this is bothering you a lot!

Post # 7
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

I am very clingy too especially now since my mom has passed away. I always would confide in my mom and now she is gone and I only see my dad once a week and I used to talk to my mom daily, so this is really hitting me hard. To make things worse my DH lost his dad in 2011 and he was depressed for a long time too but eventually he moved on and sometimes when I cry he says you don’t see me mentioning my dad all the time, so I feel I can’t always confide in him, so I stay awake late at night while DH is sleeping and I cry by myself. I am sorry you lost your mom at such a young age and I think if you’ve already tried speaking with your DH and friends than the next step is professional counseling and there is nothing wrong with that, I am thinking about doing that myself. Hang in there, you are not alone. 

Post # 8
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

MRS-K:  I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. But I have a different perspective. Could it be that your dad clearly sees how capable you are of taking care of yourself? If he knows your sister is irresponsible, maybe that’s why he babies her. Just my two cents.

dannielle89:  I’m so sorry for you too. I can’t imagine what these past years have been like for you. Please see a counselor. What started off as “abandonment issues” for my mother, has turned into full blown mental disorder. She worries so much that everyone will leave her, that she pushes everyone away. She’s aggressive and scary at times, and hearing the constant fear has caused our relationship to disintegrate. She would start fights to get me to leave, just so she could accuse me of leaving her.

I’m not saying this will happen, but you need to get your thought process right, because the longer we believe something, the more chance that something has to come to fruition. Please take care of yourself. Your dad is an adult who can take care of himself. You worry about you.

Post # 9
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

MrsBagel: My dad knew my sister had a lot of problems before my mom passed away. My parents both wanted her to get treatment for her alcoholism but because of their busy lifestyles and then my mom’s cancer, it took a back seat. My dad is civil with my DH but they don’t have much in common where her FI is a real estate agent and my dad is a landlord so they both have a love for real estate and have more in common and even go out on lunch dates and my dad hangs out with him more than he does with either my sister or myself. I just feel now that my sister has finally found someone decent in her life, she trumps me because my dad and my DH aren’t close. Maybe I am imagining things and maybe I am not reaching out to my dad, in the few first weeks of my mom’s passing my dad called more and I was distant so maybe it is my own fault but now I only see him once a week and it makes me sad because like I said my mom and I would talk daily. She was my bestfriend, I still can’t believe she is gone. I do think my dad thinks I am a stronger person than my sister because I don’t have any addiction problems but I do hurt in side but I don’t feel comfortable enough to tell him that.

Post # 11
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008 - Toronto, ON

MrsBagel:  No worries! Thanks for letting me vent, it took a load off!

Post # 12
Member
4831 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

dannielle89:  Definitely see a counselor. Will it be difficult? Yes. Will you have to face your emotions? Yes. But they will help you get past that. You can always miss and love your mom, forever and ever, but you don’t have to feel bad about it or worried about your DH. There’s help!

Post # 13
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I, too, had family issues that resulted in me having an “anxious attachment” style (worth reading about, if you haven’t) and it’s caused a lot of issues in my relationship that weren’t healthy, including a lot of anxiety. I wanted to be with him all of the time, took any distance from him (perceived or real) as a sign that he was going to leave and we would get stuck in awful communication loops.  I went to counseling myself, and that was HUGELY helpful in helping me address some of my issues and in getting some perspective and tools to use moving forward. My SO was also amazing and we went to counseling together, too.  He’s a very analytical guy, so getting more information (and having a third-party help us talk through things) about the root-cause of my issues was really, really insightful for both of us in building a deeper understanding.  We also worked on some of HIS challenges — like the desire to pull away/shut down when things were very emptional, which was a huge anxiety trigger for me and frankly not healthy for him, either.  Working through both of our issues together was hard, but ultimately made us so much closer.  It sounds like your DH loves and supports you, and so you should be open with him about your struggles and what you need.  You’ve been through a lot, but I promise it can get better.  HUGS. 

Post # 14
Member
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

dannielle89:  I suppose you need to ask yourself, “Do I want to live like this forever?” If the answer is “no” then you need to start going to grief counseling so that healing can change your life for the better.

Post # 15
Member
851 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

dannielle89:  I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I lost my mom suddenly last year and I have been struggling myself. I know I should probably go and talk with a councillor but I am terrified that they are going to tell me how I am supposed to feel. You see, before my mom died we were a very close family, my mom was sick for 4 years and I would see and talk to both parents daily. Then my mom died in April and my dad got a new gf 3 months later. This enraged me as I feel he is not respecting me and my brothers or my mother. He has changed so much now that he is with this woman and us kids are no longer his priority. It honestly feels like we lost both parents that year. It has been very hard for me and I feel like I rely way too much on my fiance. He has been amazing but I too have anxiety when I don’t hear from him or if he is being distant. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. Every single day I think about how differently my life would be with my mom here still.. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you and when we as humans lose someone so close to us it is just human nature to hold on tighter to the other people we love. Honestly, I would say don’t look at going to a councillor for you, but do it for your fiance. He obviously thinks it will help and I’ll bet he is so worried that he isn’t doing enough for you. Maybe knowing that it will give him some peace of mind will give you that little extra “push” you need to go. Easier said than done, I know.. as I haven’t gone yet either.. but one day I hope to overcome the fear and do it myself. It can’t hurt right? We have already been through the most pain we will probably ever endure (hopefully). Good Luck!

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