Fear of letting other people spend time with newborn?

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 3
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@quierajen:  I’m thinking its a first time mommy thing! Maybe even more so because of the struggles conceiving. We’ve been TTC for 11 cycles now, and I know we plan to not tell anyone when we’re in labour (other than our doulas (my sisters) and the midwife).. I don’t want people coming over right away. We’ll probably call both our parents and let them know when it’s over and in what amount of time they can come see said baby. We want plenty of skin to skin time! However I can’t really see myself not wanting to let anyone hold baby…

I would suggest maybe just waiting a week (or more if you want) for visitors. It will let you both get used to everything and you’ll be a little more comfortable!

Good luck with everything! Beautiful name choice btw!

Post # 4
Member
42460 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@quierajen:  You can have as gentle adjustment as you want. Don’t tell people when you are in labor and heading to the hospital. Limit your visitors both in the hospital and after you get home.

Remember though, it truly does take a village to raise a child. You will need and want help, advice and assistance from friends and family.

After the baby arrives, I think you will see that they are not so fragile as you think right now.

Post # 5
Member
7195 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@quierajen:  Do you have pushy relatives? I must confess I never felt that way. They’d hold baby for a few minutes then give her/him back (as I new they would).

If you do have pushy relatives, then you or your partner might need to be assertive about when they can visit and what they can do when they are there. But I think it’s a bit much to ask the new grandparents to not hold their new grandchild at all.

Does your hospital limit visiting hours? Ours limited it to 2 1-hour blocks a day. No one except the father was allowed to visit outside that time. So even though I had a fairly steady stream of visitors, it was just me + baby (+ DH when he was there) for the other 22 hours a day.

Post # 7
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

IMO a newborn only needs to bond with two people, mom and dad. All of those visitors sound exhausting and will probably wreck havoc on your milk supply if you decide to breastfeed. I wouldn’t tell anyone you’re in labor and once baby is born, would probably ask people to wait to visit until you’re settled in at home ie have your bfing relationship established, don’t have giant pads and ice packs on your lady bits, can pee without a spray bottle etc.  At least two weeks IMO.

 

If you want people to drop by in the hospital, I’d say one person/couple at a time and limit each visit to 30 minutes. Some people like this because it takes care of ”meeting the baby” and keeps people out of your hair for awhile after. People should not grab the baby, should wash hands and wait to be offered the baby to hold if you want to offer at all, you don’t have to, should give the baby back immediately when asked/if baby shows signs of needing you, shouldn’t try to take over parenting or your bonding, should be respectful and shouldn’t stress you out. If you don’t think your visitors can do this, I wouldn’t have them visit until you’re in a less vulnerable and more stable place. I also wouldn’t host anyone in your home, you will want your space to leave your shirt off etc so if they’re coming from out of town they can stay at a hotel.

Post # 8
Member
3010 posts
Sugar bee

I know I will struggle at least the first couple of days. SO’s mom wants to be in the waiting room, but I am against that. I want time to ourselves with him and who knows how I will be feeling. My plan is that we will call when we are ready for visitors. As for holding, maybe for a few minutes, but after all this time I am aching to hold him and sharing him with SO may even be a challenge. 

Visitors should be understanding. I visited a friend a few years ago and didn’t hold the baby. Family may be harder. It may work out nicely that they can be there to snuggle baby while you take a quick shower or even a short nap. 

Post # 9
Member
939 posts
Busy bee

limit visitors in the first week, after that you will likely be glad for an extra set of hands! it is also good to have people to visit baby when you have things to do, so you don’t feel like you’re missing out. have your mom come and hang out with the baby while you take a shower, or a nap. 

Post # 10
Member
6740 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

the thought of me or DB not being the one holding her at any point in time when she’s all tiny and new makes me physically sick to my stomach

Well, you know- you will put the baby down. Because you will need to poop and shower and cook dinner and life will go on.  Babies are amazing- but life does not just stop when they arrive.  I appreciated my family being there to hold the baby so I could go start a load of laundry.

Post # 11
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@quierajen:  For me, it wasn’t a first time mom thing.  I just had my third baby and the only person I let hold him is my husband.  It makes me extremely anxious just *thinking* about other people holding him and i was like this with my girls as well.  

I am okay with putting him down on his play mat or in his swing or whatnot while I get things done, I just don’t want to hand him off to someone else.  

Some women get post partum depression or anxiety and I’m definitely one of those people.  I think you need to do what makes you comfortable.

Post # 12
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This did concern me when I was pregnant as well.  But luckily we don’t have that many relatives / friends around here that came to the hospital.  Just my in laws and surprisingly they were very good about giving her back within a few minutes.  But I have to say that my views on this changed quickly.  She was born at 2:52 am on a Monday morning and I was able to sleep for a total of 2 hours while we were in the hospital (left Tuesday at 5 pm).  My daughter was not the sweet sleepy newborn while recovering from delivery that every book promises you..  She was ready to go and would scream her little head off if you put her down for a second.   So by the middle of the 2nd day, I would have handed her over to my mailman if he had been there just to get an hour of sleep.

I will be honest that there were a lot of things that I worried about during my pregnancy that I completely changed my mind on or seemed completely insignificant once she was born.  

 

Post # 13
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@quierajen:  First time mommy here with pushy/excited relatives. Plus we’re providing the first grandchild to each side. I get what you are saying.

Honestly, no one will know I am in labor until I am actually in the room and in my gown, and I am not allowing anyone in the room except my husband. We have talked about who we will allow in the hospital room to see the baby, and we have limited it to parents, and by that time we will have a time frame set of how long we want to wait to alow visitors to see baby after I deliver and when they will leave so we can have time with our baby.

For the first week we agreed that my mother can come over (and my dad), but no one else. I refused to house my parents, his mother his grandmother, and the rest of the family because people are excited.

I think it is normal to feel this way, and I think it is important that we, as first time mom’s, get to bond with our child and husband as a family for at least the first few days. Right now it seems as though you won’t even want to let her go, but me, personally, I feel the same but I also know that after a few days to a week I will probably be more inclined to let other’s hold my baby. As a first time mommy though I will probably be very anxious because I already have anxiety issues to begin with and keep a close eye on everyone.

Everything will be fine. I think it is a hard though to fathom right now, but it will get easier and you will just need to “take the leap” so to speak and let other’s enjoy your baby too 🙂

Post # 14
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to pass your baby around, expose her to germs and whatnot.

At our prenatal classes, that were put on by the hospital, they actually highley encouraged that ONLY the parents hold the baby for the first 24+ hours (with the exception of hospital staff, when necessary).

You may find though, that it’s not as hard to let somone hold her, even if it is just for a few minutes. But you may not. She’s your kid 🙂 While it may be very difficult to tell loved ones that you’re not ready for somone else to hold her, I would really hope that they could be very understanding of this.

Personally, I had the same feelings as you, but I found it easy to allow close family to hold my DD, as long as it wasn’t for too long. I am normally not a very assertive person, but I had no problem saying, “ok, want my baby back now!” When it came to the birth, my inlaws and parents knew I was being induced, but I told no one else. And I didn’t call them with labour updates. DD was born at 4:54am, and I wanted until later that morning to let everyone know she had arrived. People were really good about making short visits and not coming to visit unless they asked when was a good time. I hope that your friends and family can be that respectful as well 🙂

 

When I was in the hospital, I was shocked at myself when I actually requested that the nurses take my DD to the nursery for a few hours so I could sleep. I was so exhausted, had to have  surgery 24 horus after birth, and just couldn’t function. I was worried I’d fall asleep while holding DD (who was awake and unhappy). I SWORE I would never let them take her to the nursery, but that night, I had to do it. I felt guilty yes, but I needed that.

You might be surprised and be able to allow other people to hold her, but if not, no one should make you feel bad about that!

Post # 15
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

I understand your concern! Like others have said, you can control when vistors come over and how long they stay so in that sense, you do have some control. 

I’m a first time mom too but I don’t have that fear because I feel like I will be SO exhausted and would welcome the small breaks that my family can offer. Our daughter is also the first grandchild on both sides, so her grandparents will be more than excited to spend time with her.

Look at it this way – if your family comes over for 2 hours, you have other 22 hours to bond with your baby! 🙂 And if your baby is sleeping, then they’re not going to hold a sleeping baby so don’t worry about it too much. You’ll have plenty of other things on your mind. 🙂

Post # 16
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I was a first time mom with the first grandbaby on both sides about a year ago (holy cow–time flies!) We had a few family and friends come to the hospital, and they held my son for a couple minutes each, but I had a lot of time with him (no one wanted to hold him in the middle of the night, haha!) Once we were home, family and friends were really respectful of my time with him. My mom came over a lot (at my request) to hold him while I slept/showered/ate, but she wouldn’t take him unless we offered. My in-laws are the opposite. They didn’t visit until he was about a month old, but they always took him from me and I didn’t like it. I figured they were only around for a week, so I could just put up with it. If they’d been around more, I would have said something. One day I did (I think I said “I need a few snuggles before I give him to you”) and they were really respectful of that. People just want to help, but if you say something politely, I’m sure they’ll respect it (and if they don’t, just cry…it’ll be easy with all those hormones…)

If you’re breasfeeding, that’s the perfect excuse to take him/her back whenever, as well (my mom says that’s part of the reason she breasfed all her kids.) 

No matter what, know that you are the mom and you get to set the rules. Put on your big girl panties and state what you/the baby need. But also recognize that you will probably want/need the help of others.

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