- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
Hello fellow bees,
I am new to the forums, but have been creeping around the site for the past year or so.
My fiance (31) and I (28) are getting married in October. I should explain that I have anxiety disorder (medicated) and he has ADHD (unmedicated). Sometimes if I’m having an off day I find that his energy level gets to me. His ADHD is very controlled, but when talking on the phone or gets excited about something he gets very loud and talks very fast. Sometimes his energy overwhelms me and he can see it on my face, and it hurts him. Last week we got in a fight about it. He went out for a drive, and when he came back I finally made him tell me what was wrong. He said he was worried, and that he thought we needed help. He said we don’t communicate well and that it made him extremely sad. “I feel like I can’t even talk to my fiance”. He said that I am the only person who has every physically reacted that strongly to his voice. (I sometimes shrink back, recoil or put up my hand unconsciously) Thinking about the look on his face makes me tear up. He said “it’s so early in our relationship.. we’re not even married yet”. He said he was worried about our ability to communicate.. that it hurt him when I reacted poorly to his excited tones. We agreed that it wasn’t like this all the time, but enough that it upset him this much. We realize that we both have our dilemmas to get over.. and have our own unique challenges. I started crying while I was confessing what I knew were my weaknesses, and my nose started to bleed. I think he felt bad that he was stressing me out. I asked him if he didn’t want to marry me anymore, and he looked at me and said “don’t talk crazy now”. I told him that if he wanted out before it was too late, that I would understand.. and he said the same goes for me. Neither of us wanted that. But I’m scared he held back from saying much more because of the nose bleed.
It’s been a week and after that night we barely spoke about it… just kind of went on as normal. I don’t know if it was me, but things seemed a little different between us. Like walking on egg shells. (but that could be me and my anxiety) I tried to bring it up the other night. I asked him if he still thought we needed therapy. I tried to sound casual about it. He thought about it for awhile and said “I guess it’s not a necessity”. He didn’t say much else. I told him I would be totally willing to go, and he said he would be too.
I can’t imagine my life without him, I love him so much and we’ve been together for 3 years now. We’ve been friends for even longer. I’m scared that his fear about our communication problem could be our downfall. His adhd makes him talk so fast sometimes and when my anxiety is bad I just can’t deal well with it. I’m scared that we are both questioning the marriage. Is it normal to be so scared? I don’t know. What if our medical conditions get in the way of our relationship? He was medicated as a child but will never go back on the pills. I am okay with that, so long as we can find a way of not hurting each others feelings when we are having trouble with each others energy levels. My energy level gets very low when I am having trouble with my condition, and his gets very high when he is having trouble.
SHOULD we be worried that we are having this much trouble before we’re even married? If nothing ever changes between us I am okay with the results, but will he be? We both have a ton of emotional baggage. I’m neurotic, and I’m emotional, and I’m not an easy person to be in a relationship with and I know that. I am willing to work on whatever I can to make this work for us.. but I’m just so scared for some reason. I haven’t been able to be excited about any of the wedding stuff since our fight last week and I don’t know what to do.