Post # 1
i posted yesterday about my FI’s father not wanting to coordinate at all with the bridal parties outfit, even though this is UK Ettiquette. (controversial i understand for the Bees responses!)
I mentioned this to my mum and my dad called me back shouting down the phone demanding i tell my FI to speak to his dad and tell him he knew the set up of this wedding from the very beginning and he has to coordinate with the rest especially as they aren’t contributing financially to the wedding at all, and if my FI doesnt speak to his parents then its clear where his prioriies lie and i wont be marrying him ??? WTF Dad where did that come from!!
I corrected my dad and told him they are paying for the wedding cake and the dessert and our honeymoon to which my dad corrected my saying no- my fiance was paying for the honeymoon and his mum didnt want him to spend his money and to remember that originally his mum told FI not to tell me his wife to be that she was giving him the money back- therefore not gifting us, but just as a secret to her son.
He also pointed out that we werent going to have dessert and just serve the homemade wedding cake in its place but his mum complained that SHE wanted a dessert so will pay for it herself and that i shouldnt make my own cake and decided to pay for that too.
My dad made a point in saying it would have been nicer for them to offer to help my dad pay for the food and drink as both my parents are retired with limited income rather than give my fiance money back so he isnt out of pocket.
FI’s mum also made me change my bridedsmaids dress colour because she didnt like them- i went along with it so please her. They are very opinionated and i have always known that.
I would like to stress that i am not making an issue out of any of this, my dad is and feels very strongly that they are somehow in the wrong. i dont know what to do.
My dad regrets not talking to his own mother about his wedding to my mum and as a result my mum has always had a bad relationship with her mother in law. My dad said to me that he should have realised at the time that his wife to be was the most important person in his life and he should have made more of an effort to make sure she got what she wanted for her wedding.
Do his parents need a stern talking to or is my dad a fruit loop?
Post # 3
@ChocolateLime: Both. Dads a fruit loop because you would marry your FI if his dad was wearing a paper bag. Or at least you should. FIs folks are being a pain in the ass but it sounds financial and we can’t really dictate someone else’s ability to pay to coordinate. FI mum sounds like she’s throwing her own party with the desert. Oy. Good luck.
Post # 4
I think you need to be careful what information you share with your parents. I don’t know if your dad is a fruit loop, and I really don’t think it’s up to children to give their parents “stern talking to”s to parents about relatively unimportant things (what people wear, how much they contribute to a wedding financially–I fall into the my wedding, my money camp with no expectations of parents to pay for anything.).
It sounds like there is already bad blood between your dad and your FI’s family.
I think a good rule of thumb is you talk to your parents about things that are related to them (which does not include what you FFIL wears–they can’t control or change what another grown adult does), and he talks to his parents about things that relate to them.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2014 - UK
@ChocolateLime: I think your Dad threatening to call off the wedding’s a bit much, but I can totally see where he’s coming from and sympathise with him. If he’s the one putting the majority of the money towards the wedding, and he’s happy to go along with your plans, it must really nark him that your FILs are trying to call all the shots and they aren’t contributing equally! And yes, it is quite rude of them not to offer to help out your Dad, but instead try and sneak it behind everyone’s back.
I do think your FI should represent to your parents perhaps that they should take a step back though. Perhaps anything they disagree on you could claim that you’re doing because it’s what YOUR parents prefer, that way if they argue they’re not just insulting you, they’re insulting your parents, which might make them think twice.
Post # 6
@SeaSalt: whilst i agree with the majority of what you said i do feel it is important for children to be able to voice their opinions to their parents and not feel like they HAVE to agree with everything mum and dad says especially when they are all adults.
The reason this was discussed with my dad was because i informed my dad that we may need to change his tie colour. (my mum is buying her dress to coordinate to my dad so needed to know)
My dad feels my FFIL is rude anyway as he didnt even talk to my dad when they met for the first or 2nd time even when my dad tried making conversation my FFIL just walked away.
I agree my wedding my money but surely this means who ever is paying for what has a say in it? i am paying for the dads attire therefore in my opinion they should not argue with my colour choices for 1 day.
Post # 7
@ChocolateLime: “I agree my wedding my money but surely this means who ever is paying for what has a say in it? i am paying for the dads attire therefore in my opinion they should not argue with my colour choices for 1 day.”
If you are paying for FFIL’s attire, you absolutely should be able to dictate (within reason of course–no guy is going to wear a tutu, no matter who pays for it) what he wears.
Keep in mind, most posts (including yours above) don’t contain every detail or piece of background information, so the responses are going to be of a general nature.
Post # 8
@SeaSalt: What’s wrong with tutus??
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum
I am from the UK and have never heard of this. I planned my wedding this year. Are you sure about this?
Post # 10
@keranos: obviously nobody is saying everybody should be doing it this way or that way but from all the google searches i have done that is what i read. Regardless though as seasalt said, if im paying for it i should get the final desicion.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum
You’re paying for their outfits? I wouldn’t bother at all. Just leave them to it