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Oh no, this sounds like a terrible situation and I'm so sorry you're upset over it :( Let's try and look at the bright side of things.. when FI is making me upset, I always just think about how silly men can be sometimes. They just say things with no filters and don't really think about it. Sometimes I'll jokingly make fun of myself and be like "Make sure you get my fat ass outta bed tomorrow morning to go to the gym!" and then he will kinda reply back with my words, because basically I told him to. Have you ever mentioned wanting to lose weight before the wedding? I feel like it's a common theme before a wedding even for brides who are not overweight. Maybe he feels like he is encouraging you to do what you want so you will be happy on your wedding day. Or maybe he is just being a big jerk. Just bring it up.. I doubt he realizes he is making you feel like crap. And if he does realize it, and continues doing it, then grab that chair! :P
But seriously, I'm sure you're beautiful and will look amazing on your wedding day and don't let anyone pressure you to do anything or make you feel bad about yourself!
I really think you both need to sit down and have a long talk about this. Communication is everything. He really should know exactly how you feel about your body, and how you feel when he makes these comments to you.
Im sorry your feelings have been hurt! Please talk with your guy.
You should only try to lose weight and work out if YOU want to. It's one thing if you were morbidly obese but you say you are a normal weight. Have you asked him why he is putting so much pressure on you? Have you told him it hurts? Communication is key. Good luck and you will look gorgeous on your wedding day....no matter what your weight is.
Thank you for your comments! I felt bad posting this because it really makes him sound like a jerk and me like a pathetic little girl, but luckily you guys know that a few lines on a post can make things sound, well, really out of context sometimes.
Yes, I did talk about trying to loose weight and I have tried, you know, it’s a battle- don’t need to explain that! He is insanely logical and reasons that- You want to loose weight, you loose weight. He’s entire family is skinny, while mine is def. not skinny, so I don’t think he always gets the deep seated emotional things I got going on about ‘overweightness’ and fears related to that- its hard to explain that to someone. So, even though I have no bad vibes about my body, there are still these underlying well, issues.
But, yes thank you for your advice,
I will try talking to him, I am always saying how important communication is, but its hard, ladies, its hard.
so you did talk about wanting to lose weight and you have tried.
do you think he's just trying to be your support? he may just be bringing it up because he thinks that's what you want? i mean... you said that he asks you if you are going to the gym. that really doesn't sound all that harsh to me. it sounds like he is just trying to be supportive and hold you accountable like maybe your best friend would do if you were trying.
Have you cried in front of him? It sounds emotionally manipulative, but what I'm getting is that he doesn't understand that it's hurting you. I think maybe giving him a visual demonstration might be in order here :(.
If you don't want to do that, at least sit him down and tell him very seriously what it's doing to you when he says things like that. I think maybe he doesn't understand that telling you to go to the gym is different than telling one of his buddies.
@rosworms: maybe your right and i am just toooo sensitive, but I don't think its just being supportive, he's pretty clear on what he likes and 'chubby/fat' is not IT! :( on the flip side of that- like I said- it might be my own 'insecurities' reading his words wrong.
Still. in a perfect world, it would'nt matter that I'm not a swim model :)
My Dh does this and it took me awhile to figure out that he thinks he's being supportive/motivating me (and its not just "gym tonight!" he would say things like "tone up" which would piss me off). I would talk to him about how this makes you feel. I really doubt that he doesn't love your body as is. Guys tend to take things at face value and don't know how you can read into what they're saying and feel bad about yourself.
@Jellybaby: His motivation is probably a positive. He probably knows you want to lose weight for your wedding and he knows you want to look your best. I would talk to him about his approach. Sometimes guys don't approach that topic very well. :)
Agreed.
I don't know what his exact words are. But if he is asking you if you are going to the gym and working out more it could be more of a health concern than a lose weight concern. That it's possible because you are insecure you are taking it the wrong way.
My husband is constant encouraging me to work out more, lift some light weights, do pilates, run, etc. I don't take it as he thinks I need to lose weight. He's encouraging me to do those things because it will make me a healthier person in the long run. We want to be 65 and still seeing the world in a backpack. But if I never exercise he'll be the only physically capable of doing that when we're 65.
Again, I don't know the whole story behind this but just based on what your posting the flip side could be this as well. Maybe your insecurities combined with his way of delivering the message is causing this. I definitely agree a conversation is in order. I know we all preach this all the time. But it IS key to a good and healthy relationship. Often the tough subjects are the harder ones to bring up.
HUGS!
The next time he does that I would ask him why he is saying that, and use that as a jumping off point to discuss how it makes you feel.
Good luck!
I think a lot of times guys don't choose their words too carefully. I think you're lucky that's you've found someone who's truthful, he may not be motivating you in the best way though.
My FI knows my weight upsets me and he's been motivating me a lot recently to tone up so that I'm happy with my pictures and the way I look on my wedding day. I didn't take it that he thought I was fat or ugly or that he wouldn't love me at any weight, he just wants what's best for me and sometimes I need more motiviation. FI loves the me that's on the inside, but if I was starting to gain weight (or drink to much or not sleeping or if I stopped eating or anything) he would step in and say something because that's what a partner does.
Maybe if I share my perspective (which is closer to your FI's) that may help. I come from a mostly skinny family (my dad struggles a bit but the rest of us can eat what we like without impact). FI's family is not particularly overweight, but they trend more in that direction. His siblings are normal weight, according to BMI calculators FI is overweight, and his parents visually appear overweight, particularly his dad. His dad has a lot of health issues these days and as we only see him about twice a year, I have no idea if they are related to his weight or not, but I suspect at least some are.
Would I like FI to lose weight? Absolutely. It would be healthier for him. Presumably he would stop complaining to me he'd like to lose weight (which is really frustrating because he just complains but doesn't take action, and I'm an action-oriented gal). I think it would help with his depression. I think it would give him more energy and would help him cope with his job/clear his mind. Do I also think he would look more attractice if he returned to at least where he was when we first started dating? Yes, but in today's world, it's not ok to admit that outloud, so I keep that very quietly to myself.
I try to learn ways to cook healthier, but that only does so much (particularly when he takes large portions, or snacks afterwards if he thinks I didn't make enough, or eats "bad" food for lunch). So when he says he wants to lose weight, I encourage him to join activities with or without me. Consider whether you've made any comments to FI about trying to lose weight, and he likely thinks he's being supportive in that desire. If you don't want him to make comments, then tell him it's not helpful and ask him to stop. He still loves you the way that you are.
@PinkMagnolia: I agree. Men have a totally different way of communicating than we do. I don't believe your fiance is trying to purposely be mean or anything. Probably just wants to encourage you and help you out since he knows you want to lose weight.
It's kind of a lose-lose battle with my fiance and I. I know I need encouragement to lose weight and he knows I am very depressed over the weight I have gained from meds I've been on. I tell him all the time to help me watch what I eat and encourage me yet when he does I get that feeling that he DOES want me to lose weight even though I beg him to help enourage me. Poor guy can't win :P
Does he have a perfect physique? If not tell him to lift weights and tell him he's scrawny :P
I think you should have a talk about being healthy together- to me losing weight is not what I place emphasis on, what I value is being happy, active, and healthy (e.g. passed a doctors exam). If you are not one of those 3 things then you should lose weight. If you can agree on this, you can at least rule out if he is concerned about your health or not next time it happens- then you can say "I went to the doctor and they said my heart is healthy, and I feel good/active".
My FI is more overweight than I am, but I tell him I don't want him to have a six pack, I want him to be healthy, active, and happy with himself. As long as he is taking steps towards these three points I don't need to confront him.
I'm sure your FI wants to spend the rest of his life with you and maybe this is a concern because he doesn't think you're making healthy choices.
Anyways, I agree that you need to confront him and come up with a resolution between yourselves.
This is a tough situation. Most of the time, men are oblivious to the fact that they can be hurtful, and he really just cares about your health. My fiance always asks me if I'm going to go to the gym or if I want to start eating healthier, etc and I am far from overweight.
I know he says it because he cares about my health and well-being, but yes, sometimes it does sting. Bring up your concerns to him and let him know how it makes you feel. Unfortunately men always need things that deal with emotions spelled out for them.
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Hey bee’s, posting anonymously, since, although this is an issue for me in our relationship, I do not want our relationship to be defined by it. You know, it’s always more complicated than it seems. Thing is, its about a month till the wedding and my fiancé is really putting pressure on me to loose weight- asking me if I plan to gym more,ect.. He does not do this in a mean way, he’s not abusive or weird about it, but he just makes suggestions, hints, and so forth.
I think I have cried about this so many times that I actually burned some calories just by doing that- yes, I can joke about it, but I am so hurt. I am not over weight, I am a normal weight, but I would love to be a bit skinnier. BUT Thing is, I don’t hate my body, I am comfortable in my skin, but I get extremely pissed of and hurt by him basically telling me my body is not good enough. I honesty feel like I want to hit him in the face with a chair. But I tolerate it because deep down I know I could stand to loose a few pounds, and yet, I really wish that he wasn’t bothered by it, that he loved my body like it is now- or is that a stupid pipe dream?