Post # 1
I’m kind of laughing to myself because when I felt like I needed to “talk” the first place I thought of was weddingbee. Before I tell you my pitty party, I suppose I should give you a little background. My fiancee and I got engaged 7 months ago when he got back from Iraq. We’re getting married in December, so that gives us a 9 month long engagement (haha…please do not pay attention to the “9 months”…it’s not like that 🙂 Anyhoo…because of religious beliefs, we will be getting married in an LDS temple. For those who do not know, (in the easiest way possilble to explain) only members of the church who are worthy (basically, who follow the commandments and refrain from alcohol and tobacco products) can go in and be there during the wedding…Beings only a few (usually only close family members) can go with us, we plan on having a large reception afterwards so all of our family and friends can celebrate with us…And that is 100% normal for the way things go…it’s pretty standard for a mormon wedding…So, no surprises there.
So, here’s the hard part. Several members of my fiancee’s family (1 parent and 2 siblings) won’t be able to actually be in the temple during the wedding ceremony. They really don’t go to church anymore and don’t live by the “rules” so they can’t participate…and that’s all ok. There are absolutely no hard feelings whatsoever between the family members. They knew this was coming up and they 100% support my fiancee’s and mine decision to be married in the temple.
Ok…so, with that little background, here’s the issue. My fiancee’s family just told him they aren’t flying into town until the day of the wedding…not only the day off, but several hours before the wedding and my fiancee is crushed. He was really hoping to have them there the day before so he could feel their support and just enjoy having his family around him for the wedding. Now he’s worried that they might not be there at all. Let’s face it, I live in Colorado and the wedding is in the middle of winter…that almost guarantees that a flight will be delayed meaning they may not even make the wedding. Now I know it sounds weird to make a big fuss to have family members there that can’t even participate in the wedding…just keep in mind, that’s completely normal with a mormon wedding…I guess I am just so incredibly sad that my fiancee’s family doesn’t feel the need to support him on his big day…I just want to cry for him because I know how sad he is. I know if you don’t understand the LDS religion, this may all sound confusing…and I’m really sorry if I haven’t explained things the greatest…I guess what it all boils down to is the sadness I feel for my fiancee. I would be crushed if my family wasn’t there fully supporting me, even if they couldn’t participate in the actually wedding. I would understand if this was distant relatives, but this is siblings and parents we’re talking about 🙁
Post # 3
Has he spoken to his family? Do they realize that by cutting it so close to the wedding they are taking a big risk of missing it? Perhaps they haven’t thought of that? Has explicitly told them that he wants them there ealier? Perhaps they think they aren’t missing anything, but if he lets them know he plans to make time to visit with them, it will be ‘worth it’ to come early?
I think you are both right to be upset. I would be.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry! 🙁
Did they give a reason? Maybe flights were a lot cheaper then? Or maybe they can’t take off work (or one person can’t and they’d all prefer to fly together, knowing they might get delayed and not wanting one person to deal with that alone, as it can be stressful)? Maybe they’re assuming you’ll be so busy with details and don’t want to get in the way?
I know I have a lot of OOT guests coming in, some familiy included, and we’re trying to plan structured stuff (lunch, an outing to a park, etc.) the day before the wedding so we can spend time with people. A lot of friends especially probably wouldn’t come otherwise.
If they haven’t booked non-changable flights yet, I’d give them a call and tell them you’d love if they could come earlier, and suggest getting together before the day of so they’ll know it isn’t just going to mean sitting around twiddling their thumbs.
Hope things turn out okay!
Post # 5
I would also be upset. Will you get to spend time with them the days after the wedding? Like rosychicklet said maybe they don’t realize how close they are cutting it. Talk to them. Let them know your concerns for cutting it that close to the wedding for where you live and at that time of the year really makes you both nervous they wont make it. Also let them know how important it is for you to have them there even if they can’t take part in the ceremony. Maybe they don’t think it is that important to you since they wont actually be at the wedding? Let them know.
Post # 6
I share your beliefs and my dd is marrying someone whose parents also won’t be there, so I understand how hard this is. I’m getting a vibe that they may be distancing themselves a bit because they don’t feel specially included. Can you write them a note and ask them specifically if they would come the day before, so you can all spend time together? (In business it’s “asking for the sale.”) Would you consider doing a small ring ceremony right before the reception starts and asking them to be there to do a reading or something like that? A little prayer can’t hurt either. Just remember to focus on the whole day and hope for the weather to be at its best.
Post # 7
I’d be really sad, too! *HUGS*
Post # 8
I’m so sorry you are feeling sad. But on the bright side, have you read any of Mrs. Avocado’s posts? She was an LDS bride and wrote about the temple ceremony.
She said, “It is very difficult to tell someone that they will be unable to personally witness such an important event, but Mr. Avocado’s parents have been very understanding and supportive of our decision to marry in the temple. The private nature of this ceremony is actually the reason why we are having a separate ring ceremony as well. This ring ceremony will allow us to share our feelings for one another and about marriage with all of our guests, whether LDS or not.”
Would it be possible for you to do a ring ceremony, that way everyone felt like they were included in some sort of ceremony? Plus, maybe you could use the ring ceremony as an excuse for them to come into town sooner because you could tell them you could use their help in the preparation for it.
Post # 9
Aw! Don’t feel badly for turning first to WB, it is an awesome community!
About your FI’s family… it sounds as though they are LDS (since one of the parents will be able to attend the sealing), so they should be understanding. I agree with the posters above… I am curious if this is an intentional move on their behalf or if they really are just clueless. I could totally see them thinking that they just don’t want to get there early and be in the way… why not come in the day of?
Regardless, I hope that you get it worked out with them and your FI can be happy with however it turns out. (Hugs)
Post # 10
Oh you guys are so awesome! Thank you so much for your support! It’s amazing how much of a tremendous support system this is.
He has talked to his family…Infact, I just got off the phone with my future mother in law (whew)…The funny thing is, for the life of us, we can’t figure out why in the world they want to fly out here. They live about 8 hours away from us and have made the drive many times. We calculated the cost of gas should be about $150ish, if that for all of them to carpool out here…and it’s going to cost $132 for each individual person to fly here. So, when you do the math for 7 people to fly out here, it just doesn’t make sense.
Lillindy….yep, we are going to do a ring ceremony for the family members that can’t attend the temple with us. It was very important to make sure his family felt welcome and involved. All of his family is LDS, so they fully understand why they can’t be there, and they don’t have a problem with it…I definitely understand that it’s a huge undertaking for them to travel this way to be here if they can’t fully participate…so I am trying my hardest to be sensitive to that. It’s just hard seeing my fiancee hurt. I’m sure everyone can understand that when our loved ones hurt, we hurt too…
Thank you again for all of your support! It was so wonderful to be able to “talk” to other brides to be who I knew would understand 🙂
Post # 11
((HUGS)) I am unfamiliar with the traditions, but i agree with the pp that if they knew how important it was to him they’d probably be okay with flying out or driving out the day before to support him.
Post # 12
Well, it just seems like its self inflicted since you guys are CHOOSING to get married in a LDS temple to begin with. I mean you can’t expect his family to come in early or even the day before –especially when they can’t even witness the ceremony to begin with. It it really mattered to them, they would probably make it a point to be there early…
Post # 13
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Is your big reception the same day as the wedding ceremony itself? If that’s the case I think your FI really needs to talk to his family about coming earlier and to stress how important it is to him. I’d be very upset if it were me, too. I mean, it’s his wedding, after all, and they don’t get another chance to be there. On the other hand, if the ceremony and the reception are on different days and they are only talking about missing the ceremony date… I’m not sure you can blame them entirely, since they are not at all a part of it and not even allowed to be there. It sucks, for sure, but I’m not sure there’s much to be done about it that way.