(Closed) Feel like I should have just given in to avoid the drama!!

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
3732 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hmmm so you just turned the other way? I do think you could have handled that a little more nicely than giving him a snub. Maybe said “I’m so sorry babe but it’s late and I’m exhausted. Can we rain check for tomorrow??” and then gave him a kiss goodnight at least. I would apologize.

Post # 4
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@hollyberry4:  +1

I don’t think his reaction was overreacting at all, rejection is awful, and hurts a lot! And you didn’t apologize last night, didn’t say goodnight and are pissed off that he is upset and didn’t say goodnight? Sorry OP but I’m on his side.

Post # 5
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

OP you have no reason to apologise!! You didn’t want to have sex and that is 100% okay.  No one is entitled to sex .. maybe your fiance needs to be told this??

If he was feeling hurt/rejected he could have spoken to you about it – instead of storming out of the room and ignoring you.  That is a tantrum more fitting to a child than a grown man.

You should never feel obligated to have sex with anyone. NEVER.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.  Part of being in a relationship is compromise and I think your fiance needs to be understanding that your libido isn’t where his is at.  As you’ve said, you don’t usually turn him down.

I hope he grows up and apologises.  You’re the one who is owed an apology, not him.

Post # 6
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@mrs_alwaysright:  I agree that you shouldn’t feel like you have to have sex OP, but the apology should have occurred last night. He has every right to be hurt, but you shouldn’t say yes to sex if you really don’t feel like it.

Post # 7
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oh and OP-

When you two are speaking again, ask your fiance exactly what you’ve asked us – if he’d prefer you just “put up with it” and have sex with him due to a sense of obligation and to avoid an argument with him.  His reply would be interesting!

Post # 8
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Jacqui90:  Sorry I guess I don’t understand why she is apologising for not wanting to have sex? That seems like the only thing she did wrong? Besides not chase after him when he stormed out of the room (if that counts?)

Post # 9
Member
3732 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

To clarify my earlier post: you would not be apologizing for not wanting sex, just for how you handled it. What if he made a request (any request) of you and he just ignored you and walked the other way because he didnt want to do it? Wouldn’t you think that was rude? Wouldn’t you at least want him to say “sorry babe I don’t want to right now but I promise I’ll get to it soon” or something?

Post # 10
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@mrs_alwaysright:  Apologise for upsetting him, apologise for not saying goodnight. Apologise for not apologising last night when she should have apologised.

Post # 11
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Jacqui90:  Well I guess we will have to agree to disagree. I don’t think she “should” have apologised last night.

The only thing I could fault the OP for is not being communicative enough last night, but we don’t actually know what was said / not said.. for all we know she said no and moved his hands off her.

If she apologised for upsetting him, in essence she is apologising for not wanting to have sex.  Because THAT is what upset him.  I believe the OP and think her FI is upset about that, not about the excuse of “you didnt say goodnight”.

He didn’t say goodnight either. So if he gets an apology – so does she.

Plus he left the room in anger and chose to sleep elsewhere instead of managing his hurt feelings or talking to the OP like an adult.  If I was the OP, I would like an apology for that. 

 

@hollyberry4: oh maybe I misunderstood, I thought she ignored the slamming of the door, not him?

 

@cuddlz88:  OP correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like there are a few issues here.  Resentment toward your fiance because of his expectations that you’d have sex with him, resentment toward your fiance for his lack of understanding about the current state of your libido, and even resentment because he downloaded a movie and expected that would be enough to ‘warm you up’, instead of putting in the time for some decent foreplay that may have been more successful.

Have you two spoken about your lack of libido?

 

Post # 12
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

good grief – couldn’t he have just kissed your shoulder and said ‘goodnight’ at which point you clearly would have returned the ‘goodnight’? 

he’s being ridiculously dramatic – slammed the door and isn’t talking to you? i’d tell him to cool it – you were sleepy! who cares?! this just seems sooo overblown to me.

Post # 13
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

@mrs_alwaysright:  I agree that he should apologise too, but she should apologise first.

Post # 14
Member
3732 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@mintslice: OP said “I just sorta shrugged off his advances and went to sleep.” that’s the part we are saying she should apologize for. If my FI did that to ms with no explanation and no goodnight I would be upset too. Seems like a lack of communication on OPs part. I don’t think we should assume he is really upset about the sex when he said it was about not saying goodnight. I would be upset about that too and not the sex.

Post # 16
Member
3732 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Hey OP… Glad you guys patched things up 🙂 in my precana class they actually wanted us to talk about how we would handle the situation if one person wanted to have sex and the other didn’t. Like how would you let them know, and what are acceptable/not acceptable ways to react. Then I it happens more and more frequently you agree to sit down and revisit the topic. That way you have a pre-set agreement and each of you knows what to expect and how to react in the situation. I thought it was good advice! Sounds like mostly a communication issue, anyway. Glad things are all good!

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