Post # 1
FI and I got into a huge fight tonight.
He came home very late, almost midnight and I thought he was at work late since he had a big deadline today and has been working hard the past couple days. He knew I thought he was at work and just let me believe it. Then when I finally got close enough I smelled the beer on his breath (this was a little while after he came home by now). After much probbing about what he really did he finally admitted he went out to a bar after work. But he said he thought it was too late after he first came home to say anything. Then it turns out he didn’t go out with his usual group of buddies, he actually went to the bar with 2 female coworkers and didn’t want to tell me because he said he knew I would be mad.
Well duh, I’m mad. Mad 1 because I think that was highly inappropriate, Mad 2 because he let me believe he was at work (I had text him much much earlier about making dinner and he said he didn’t know when he would be done), and Mad 3 that he just lied about everything.
This isn’t the first time he has been caught in a lie. He says that he doesn’t tell me because he doesn’t want me to be mad. But then he says that I always find out anyway. If he knows I’m going to be mad and he knows I’m more mad when I find out he’s lying, then why does he even do these things in the first place!
I tried to get him to go sleep on the couch but he just plopped down on the bed and passed out like he has no cares in the world. And now I can’t sleep.
We are supposed to be getting married in 6 months, but all I can think is how can I be with someone for the rest of my life if all they do is lie and they have no problem doing it. (A little background – We have been together for 8 years already).
Post # 3
@HipHopAnonymous: Wow. He doesn’t tell you things that would make you mad bc he knows you would find out anyways?! I wouldn’t even be able to deal with this. There are a number of red flags: 1) he engages in behavior he knows is not acceptable to you as a couple; 2) he lies about them; 3) thinks it is ok to lie bc you always find out; and 4) when you’re upset clearly he doesn’t care by just passing out on the bed. I think you need to have a major sit down before the wedding happens to see if these issues can be addressed and fixed.
Post # 4
@HipHopAnonymous: This behaviour is a pretty big red flag. I would take a step back and think about what this means for the future. The lies will continue after marriage.
Post # 5
Not good at all. You’re marrying someone you can’t trust – I don’t know how you’re going to build a relationship on sand. You just won’t be able too. He really doesn’t care how you feel; it seems he’s more concerned with himself.
Bright Red Flags everywhere!
Post # 6
@HipHopAnonymous: HUGE red flag. I dumped a guy I was going to marry for exactly this behavior. He’d do shit we had agreed was inappropriate and hurtful (I wasn’t so unreasonable) and then lie to me because he didn’t want me to be “mean” to him.
I couldn’t trust him, and I ended it.
Post # 8
Is he right? Would you get mad because he did what most would consider completely normal and even healthy–having drinks with colleagues after finishing up a big project?
I see women posting here all the time about how their FI lied to them, then go on to explain how unacceptable to them the normal behaviour he lied about (drinks with coworkers, masturbation, etc) is to them. So of course he’s going to lie if they make it not worth telling the truth because it will lead to a fight.
My exbf is a commercial airline pilot. We dated for over 3yrs until I met my FI. When he’s in town, and if our schedules are compatible, we meet for lunch or drinks. It’s not a big deal and I never lie about it because my FI doesn’t freak out about it. If he did, I probably would be more evasive. But we also trust each other inherently and respect each others autonomy.
That said, if you have other legitimate reasons not to trust him, then DTMFA. If not, do your part to create a relationship where honesty is valued and respected and will not be punished.
Post # 9
@HipHopAnonymous: I think your FI would be more honest with you about his plans if your reaction to them was different( Not saying it should be) You say you’ve been together for 8 yrs. Sounds like he would rather deal with you being pissed later rather than tell you what he’s doing and have it ruin his night. He’s being selfish and doesn’t seem to have regard for your feelings. That will definitely be an issue in your marriage unless you both find an agreeable compromise. I personally would pick my battles and tell him you understand his need to socialize with his friends or people at work but would feel much more secure if he respected you enough to be honest about them. What makes you more mad? His lying or him going out? Why aren’t you ever invited? I’d tell your FI the answers to these questions and try to find a solution you both can deal with. Good luck girl!!
Post # 10
Yes I would have been mad even if he had told me right away but that is because I had text him earlier in the evening about dinner. He gave me a vague answer, which luckily I ended up not making a meal for a both of us since I never got a legit reply (all he told me when i asked if he would be coming home for din was “i dont know”). I have told him before that if he is going to go out after work or be home late to let me know because it’s pretty annoying to make a big meal and then have it basically be a waste since he is not big into leftovers.
He goes out several nights a week now and generally I don’t complain. He’ll occasionally invite me out but usually I am too tired and I decline. The major issue I have with this is that this is a complete 180 from our first 6 years together. We ended up spending a year living in different states (about 12 hours apart driving) due to work before I finally moved in with him. During that year, he made a bunch of new friends (mostly 6-7 years older than him and unmarried) and they formed this group and starting going out to bars. He rarely did this with his old group of friends, they were a little more geeky, would play video games a lot. I feel like this new group has significantly influenced and changed his behavior but I have tried to be open to this new activity. His new friends are nice for the most part but I can tell they have no respect for our relationship either.
It’s just getting really depressing now that he is to the point where he will go out without telling me and leave me home all night alone. I feel like I never see him since he comes homes late and I work on Sundays too so really Saturday is the only day.
I have also tried to tell him before that if he knows I always end up finding out the truth then why doesn’t he just tell me immediately. I’m more hurt about the lies, the continuous lies, than anything else.
Post # 11
@HipHopAnonymous: I wouldn’t tell my SO things either if I thought he’d be mad. It doesn’t mean I’m hiding anything, it just means I don’t want to deal with the headache of getting “in trouble” for doing NOTHING wrong. Why exactly is it inappropriate to grab a beer after work with coworkers of the opposite sex? This is ridiculous that you wouldn’t allow that. It sounds like you both have some things to work on to ensure trust and open communication in the relationship.
Post # 12
@HipHopAnonymous: He’s going to have to earn your trust ( by not lying) for a while before things can change. if he wants you to be ok with him going out then he’s going to have to be honest about where he’s going and with whom! if he wants to go out after work, I think that’s fine as long as it isn’t everyday! Don’t you?
Post # 13
@MrsWBS: Why not just find someone who has the same values as you so you don’t have to lie by ommission?
OP – this is a huge red flag. Sure some things are ok to some couples while they aren’t ok with others. It sounds like he’s knowlingly doing things that upset you. Find someone who values honesty as much as you do. It will only get worse from here.
I do some things that my DH would prefer I don’t. I try to respect his preferences but I can’t always do that. I try to respect his preferences because I love him and want to make him happy. If we have a conflict where I am doing something he’d rather I don’t, I tell him about it so he is aware and we can discuss. The last thing I want to do is hide it or simply not bring it up. That is dishonest and disresectful.
I’ll give an example we are dealing with now. I am planning on a trip to Vegas while I am 6 months pregnant for fun with a couple of girlfriends. DH would rather I don’t go because I am pregnant and out of town a lot. DH has known since before we married that I love travel and a weekend away. Since the baby will be here soon, opportunities for such trips will be limited. I am trying to take advantage of the free time I have now. Would my DH rather me not go? Of course. Would I ever lie to him or lead him to believe I am somewhere other than exactly where i am? Absolutely not.
Post # 14
@peanuthead: I’m not saying I do lie to my SO. But, if a girl came on here and said my FI won’t let me go get drinks after work with 2 male coworkers, everyone would scream he was controlling. It’s such a double standard on these boards!
There’s nothing wrong with him going to get drinks after work with coworkers. If you’re not comfortable with your SO having friends of the opposite sex, then sure go find someone who is on the same page as you – but you’ll be VERY hard pressed to find that. (or the person you find will likely be a very controlling/abusive person in my experience at least).
I just don’t think not having friends of the opposite sex is a realistic “value” for people to have.
Post # 15
@HipHopAnonymous: First, you guys need to have a discussion about the lying. He has every right to go out, but if he is going to be sneaky or lie about it that could mean bad things for your marriage.
Second, I would make an attempt, even if you are too tired, to go out with him once in a while. I’m not saying you never go out, but if you usually decline maybe he feels like you aren’t making an effort to spend time doing things he wants to do or that you don’t want to make an effort making nice with his friends, so in that case they will have more influence over him. I would offer to go with him and meet these girls/guys whoever he is hanging out with.
Post # 16
@HipHopAnonymous: I’ve found that men like to avoid conflict and confrontation. Also what they consider important enough to tell isn’t the same as what we think we should know. For example, I know that if some girl at work had a crush on my SO, he wouldn’t tell me because he wouldn’t think I needed to know as long as he didn’t reciprocate. But of course I’d just like to know even if I wouldn’t be jealous!
So if your FI knew for sure that you would get upset that he decided to get drinks after work with 2 female co-workers, that’s why he probably lied to you. It doesn’t mean that he lied because there was anything suspicious going on with those girls for you to worry about. Doesn’t make it right though, I’m just playing devil’s advocate to show that I don’t think your FI is a bad guy.
I think you guys should sit down and set some guidelines for communication. Every couple is different and some relationships are more transparent than others in terms of details as to where you go, what you do, etc. w/o the other person. What worries me most is that he doesn’t feel bad about lying to you when he knows you want him to be truthful.