Post # 1
I’ve had tears in my eyes for 2 days. J and I got to talking more about moving, law schools, etc. and I told him that I was not willing to continue living with him unless we got engaged. He said that while we plans to marry me and plans to propose sooner than I think, he doesn’t like feeling as though there is a deadline on it(i.e, the end of our lease).
I can understand not wanting to feel like he “has to” propose to keep me, but it really just breaks my heart to think that he might not be planning to do it as soon as I thought( I really was thinking/hoping it would be in the next 4 months or so). He called me “marriage crazy” and said that it wasn’t right of me to expect( I don’t) a proposal so soon after we’ve seriously started talking about marriage(in the past month or so.) He doesn’t understand why I think he isn’t going to propose to me(because sooooooo many men never do!). He didn’t actually say that it wouldn’t happen before our lease ran out/we moved, but he didn’t say that it would, either. My heart is broken. While I love him more than I ever thought I could love someone, I am not willing to keep waiting. He isn’t the kind of guy who would give a “I’ll propose by __” date, and I don’t want that anyway. I don’t know what to do, but I am absolutely devastated.
Post # 3
I’m sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom, but I feel like I’m right there with you sister!
Post # 4
Trust me I understand.. I am just trying to focus on other things right now..
Post # 5
I don’t know if I’m just being really emotional or what, but where I am right now, I’d prefer breaking up to continuing with this horrible waiting feeling. I feel like “It’s because I’m not good enough, not pretty enough, haven’t been lovable enough”. I feel like it’s all my fault that we’re not engaged already and that he’ll never propose because if he really wanted to, he would have done it by now.
Post # 6
How long have you guys been together? How long have you lived together?
Post # 7
Hey Frustrated, I totally understand. I am an ultimatum bride myself! But the reason the ultimatum worked for me/us is b/c I was SO frustrated that I preferred to end the relationship if he wouldn’t propose. I wasn’t bluffing, I was done with wondering when it was gonig to happen adn why it wasn’t, etc.
Fiance also said the same things your Boyfriend or Best Friend is saying. That he wanted to, but didn’t want a deadline and didn’t understand why it was so important to me for it to happen soon AND called me marriage crazy. I was sick of the name calling and accusations so I said 1.5 years or we’re breaking up. End of story. He pretended several times like he forgot about it and he also tried to act like he didn’t think I really meant it anymore after he moved in, but when I told him to move out he realized I wasn’t bluffing. About a month later he proposed and it was just shy of 1.5 years.
He thanks me to this day for pushing him. And I’m not delusional, I know this won’t be the same for everyone else, but with him he actually WANTED to marry me, he just couldn’t make himself buy a ring and propose. It’s a big step!
Post # 8
Oh, no! I’m so sorry to hear about your troubles. So many women fall into the trap of pushing their men, and usually issuing an ultimatum (i.e. you told him you weren’t willing to continue living with him unless you got engaged) doesn’t go over so well.
The question is, what do you do now?
1. Why is it important that you get engaged within a certain timeframe? Do you have other goals for down the road that are playing into your desire to be engaged? Alternately, do you see being engaged as being more secure in the relationship? Try to think through what’s in your head and in your heart and really identify any fears that may be lurking there.
2. How can you express your feelings to your man without pushing him or backing him into a corner? Think about times people have pushed you into a corner, how it felt, and how you resolved the situation.
3. You know you two love each other. You know you both see marriage in your future. You’re just assigning a certain timeline, and he isn’t. His reason for waiting may be as impersonal as: he’s saving up for your ring and can’t afford the one he wants. OR it may be very personal: he’s waiting until he’s 100% sure. Either way, is it worth it to force him?
4. Be careful: Issuing an ultimatum usually results in two scenarios: The best case scenario is that you give him some space and then he comes back on his own and loves you all the more. (This is one women hope for, right?) The worst case scenario is that he sees a future of you badgering him and decides it isn’t worth it. I know you’re worth it and you want him to see all your best qualities, so this is a pretty big risk to take, considering all you stand to lose.
Bottom line: Talk to him about it. You two can work through this and it sounds like you really love each other enough to wait for him to come around in his own time.
P.S. I just have to add that while I’m no expert, my husband and I are celebrating our 10th anniversary this summer. I really hope that you hear something on this board that helps out, whether it’s from me or another bee. Keep your chin up.
Post # 9
@Winter: We’ve been together 1.75 years, lived together for about 6 months.
Post # 10
@Frustratedbird – MNbf and I have been dating for about the same amount of time, although we don’t live together, so I understand feeling like “it’s time, what’s the hold-up?”. I’m also in grad school, so I understand how the school thing can complicate the situation.
I agree with the other ladies – find out WHY he isn’t ready to propose yet. If it’s a time thing (i.e. he wants to be dating you a little longer before marriage, he isn’t in the place in his life where he feels ready to be married, he doesn’t have the financial stability he wants before he marries you – these are all a big deal for my bf), maybe it’s something that can work with your time frame (and maybe it isn’t). If it’s a relationship thing (he’s not sure you’re the one yet) – best to know that.
And if you have a time frame (and it sounds like you do!), TELL him about it, and why you’re thinking along those lines. Like if you want to get married because you want to have kids in a few years and you want some married-time first, tell him. I think most men of quality understand that and are accepting of your time frame, even if it doesn’t always align up exactly with theirs. Maybe it’ll give him something to think about.
1.75 years is a significant amount of time, but it isn’t so long that you can really say, “If he hasn’t proposed to me by now, something must be wrong.” It might be later than you’d like, and that does NOT make you marriage crazy by the way, but it’s not a Miss Havishamesque red flag.
If nothing else – you ARE good enough. You ARE pretty enough. You ARE lovable enough, no matter whether he marries you tomorrow or never. It has nothing to do with those things. When or whether he marries you has nothing to do with your self worth. Only with your relationship with him and each of your relationships with your selves.
Post # 11
I would stick to what you want and not move in with him unless you are engaged. You have already let him know this, so if it were me, I would just cease all talk, etc., about it, and then when the time comes go with what you feel is best for you. His statement about you being wedding crazy might be and indication of him thinking you bring it up too often. In the meantime, make some plans for yourself and go out without him. Show him that you can survive without him, even though you think you can’t. Go out with friends, go to a movie, go for a walk; anything you want, but just do it without him, so he sees that he doesn’t have to be around you to make your life work.
Post # 12
I know I have already said my piece but this is how I feel. I KNOW this is the man I AM GOING to spend the rest of my life with. He tells me he is going to propose.. but if he doesnt by our anniversary.. which is July 5th..I am going to propose to him.. end of story.
Post # 13
Sometimes it takes a little longer. My FH and I were together for 3 1/2 years before he proposed.
4 months is really short time frame when it comes to a proposal, and he might not be ready. Just because he wants to marry you one day doesn’t mean he’s ready to be married now. If you’re unwilling to move in with him unless you’re engaged, what about living separately? It sounds as though you’re afraid you’ll fall into the life of always dating and acting like you’re married, but never actually getting married. Maybe instead of pushing for a ring, start thinking about when you’d be getting married instead. My FH and I will have been engaged for over 2 years when we get married, but we couldn’t do any real planning until our one year mark hit.
Unfortunately, you don’t want to push him into a corner, or into a stage of a relationship he’s not ready for. A marriage should happen when you’re BOTH ready for it, and so should an engagement.
Post # 14
it sounds like he has gotten really comfortable after moving in together…when your lease runs out is there any way you can get your own place? even the thought might scare him…and like some others have said…go to the gym…go out with girlfriends…make it known that you CAN live without him…you may want to take a look at Mr.Bee’s post about getting a man to propose to you…I cant find it right now but its somewhere in the waiting boards!
Post # 15
If this is really eating you up, you may need to live separately once the lease is up. Show him that you can exist on your own, spend more time with your friends or even do activities by yourself. Once he realizes that you won’t always be around he may realize just how much he wants to be with you and make that commitment.
I will say that I’m sure this man does love you and thinks you’re beautiful and a great person but he may not be just ready to get married. This is a serious step in life and should not be taken lightly. Plus I’m sure you don’t want to be engaged and feel like it was out of guilt, he would probably resent you because of that. I, personally, would not want to feel pressured to get married.
Fiance and I have been together for almost 7 years now (no i do not believe you have to be together this long to get married) but 1.75 isn’t that long of a time to give an ultimatum, not to discredit your relationship in any way. Maybe he just needs a little more time
Post # 16
@TheRen, I love your gutsiness! I just couldn’t do myself out of the pleasure of receiving a proposal, though. How long you two been together?