Feel like my friend is using me (VENT)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@Ruby-Redshoes:  I would put a stop to it.  I would just tell her you are too busy and unable to help.  I would also not go to the bridal shower. 

Post # 5
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

She’s using you.

What do I say to Sarah to get her to stop asking me favours? 

“I’m sorry, but I’m really busy with X and just don’t think I have the time.”

Post # 6
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Ruby-Redshoes:  I’d nip this in the bud asap. You didn’t get the “honour” of being a bridesmaid, but you are still being asked to spend your money on the bridal events (I wouldn’t bring food to the bridal shower – you are not the host. If she keeps it up, I wouldn’t even go). I would just say, “why don’t you ask one of your bridemaids?” but I am very upfront about these things and hate to be used. Is she helping you with your wedding, or is this a one sided show?

I feel like she is probably making comments to her inner circle bridesmaids about all the work she is getting you to do for nothing :- It has a very derogatory feel to me.

Post # 8
Member
43 posts
Newbee

@Ruby-Redshoes:  Do you think she didn’t ask you to be a bridesmaid because you are engaged? I personally don’t really think an engaged girl should be in the bridal unless her fiancé was in it too.. Are any other bridesmaids engaged or married? Other than that I would be pretty pee’d off with her. How dare she ask all these things off you when your not even obliged to do any of it. Different story if you offered but wow that is some nerve especially saying she didn’t want you to feel left out. I think this girl feels ‘sorry’ for you so I would make it clear that you don’t give a damn about it. Even if you do :p And about the whole catering thing, make out your too busy to make everything and maybe add that it isn’t exactly your job to do. I can’t believe how thick minded some people are. 

Post # 9
Member
1000 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Hell no.  I would definitely not be “tagging along” on any of these plans.  If she wanted you to have all the responsibilities of being a bridesmaid, she should have asked you to be one. 

As for the bridal shower, back in my home state showers are kind of a free-for-all, there are few rules about who’s supposed to throw it, pay for it, or cater it.  So I could understand where she was coming from if there was going to be a dessert potluck or whatever.  But she really is asking you to cater the entire dessert portion of the day and that’s ridiculous.  I would offer to bring ONE item and that’s it. 

And by the way, I have NEVER understood why certain brides assume that everyone wants to be involved every step of planning and that they’re doing someone a favor by asking them to attend appointments and help with DIY projects.  I assumed the opposite: that my friends are busy and productive people who will of course be there to celebrate with me at the wedding and maybe 1 or 2 pre-wedding parties, but other than that, they had their own lives to worry about, not my wedding.

ETA: I don’t know how you held your tongue after the “little helper” comment.  That would have been enough for me to cut her off at the knees.

Post # 10
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

You seem to be a really nice friend even though you didnt get chosen as a BM. I think its time for you to speak up for yourself because clearly she is using you. And the fact that she said she made you her little helper so that you don’t feel left out should show you that she is totally aware of what she did. Yes it’s ok to help a little b/c that’s what friends are for, but she is totally taking it to far. Also please don’t make her one of your bridesmaids unless she would absolutely bend over backwards to help you as you have done for her.

Post # 12
Member
43 posts
Newbee

@Ruby-Redshoes:  Ok well that is really odd. I think Sarah might actually feel threatened by you in some way or is just plain jealous. By the sounds of everything your a great person inside and out and she doesn’t deserve any of your kindness or time. I’d stay clear of anything to do with her wedding preps and try not to show any interest. I’m a bitch like that though, I can’t stand being used. 

Post # 13
Member
7218 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Its not a friendship if its not mutual. Reciprocity matters. what is she doing for you? If nothing, I would cease all help for her wedding. 

Post # 14
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

That is so odd. I think you need to draw some boundaries and tell her to get her BMs to help. It sounds like she feels bad for not including you even though you have no issues with it, and it just makes everything seem awkward.

Tell her you can only bring 1 tray of cookies to the shower, something came up for her dress fitting, and that you can’t go with her to the cake tasting either.

Post # 15
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

That is not cool.  You’re doing all the work without the title.  I would start coming up with reasons to decline going along to cake tastings, helping with DIY, etc. and she if she gets the hint.  If not, just gently tell her that you don’t think it’s fair that you’re doing the work of the briday party when you’re not in it.

Post # 16
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’d just tell her outright that it’s starting to feel like she’s using me, and no, I won’t be providing the food or the help for any future events.
Ask your actual bridesmaids and your future husband from now on, and if you feel so bad for not having me participate you can do me the biggest kind of favor and stop dragging me along.

I used to get stepped on by “friends” all the time, but I don’t really have any tolerance for that anymore.
If someone wants something from me, they can ask outright.
If they keep piling stuff on top of the original request, they can shove it and do it themselves.

Needless to say most of these “friends” are out of my life and I am a much happier person from it!

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