Post # 1
I have been waiting about 6 months, we’ve had a few conversations about getting married soon and my SO told me on NYE that we would get def married in 2011, which is great. We’re both on the same page, Im 29 and he is 33 and we know we want to start a family soon, we’ve been together for 5 years in April 2011.
But here’s the thing, even though I know its gonna happen I am stressing out! its all I can think about! I want to tell my friends and family what we are planning..I want to give people enough notice to make sure they can be there. I know its all going to be short notice, as we’ll prob want to get married- at the very latest september this year, Im happy to do last minute wedding planning but freaking out we won’t find a date. Im worried he is going to wait til our 5 year anniversary to propose (April) and that will give me 4 months to get everything done.
Anyways, as with other Bees, I have agreed to keep quiet about all this, to give him the time to do it but yesterday I sent him an email to point out how much time we might need to do this year, not a pressurising email, just a reminder for him to think about dates, because I know men don’t think like that! ha. I said I just wanted him to bear it in mind.
We talked about it last night- as he didn’t want to discuss on email but also I didn’t want to have another discussion. I think I might have made things worse, he got cross and said it isn’t going to be a surprise but it isn’t going to be a surprise anyway!! I mean it will be, it will be amazing whatever happens but we both know our plans for this year…its just noone else does 🙁 SO frustrating. Wish he would just do it already, we don’t have much time!..
Post # 3
I see your point!! Ah why don’t men get it… Planning a wedding is exiting and does take a long time, I also can’t understand why he would make you wait like that…
At the same time, I think this official proposal thing puts a lot of pressure on men. They need to buy a ring, plan an amazing proposal and an amazing evening. I don’t know how your bf is on the planning stuff, but my FI sucks at it and is always postponing it (whenever I ask him to plan anything).
I am not sure what kind of proposal you are hoping for, but maybe you should reassure him that you don’t expect anything great or grand, you simply want to spend a special heartfelt evening together where you both agree that you are ready to start the process that will eventually lead to marriage.
Maybe with less preassure to plan something grand he’ll actually get on with it and you will be able to consider yourself engaged!
Post # 4
If your guy is stubborn (like mine), nothing will stop him from planning the proposal his way. He won’t give a flyin’ damn about time limits to book vendors. He simply won’t care.
So sit tight and look anxious. That’s all!
Post # 5
Awwww I hope he does it soon too!!! Welcome to the Bee
Post # 6
Why don’t you talk to him about your timeline concerns? He can’t read your mind and know what you are worrying about. It sounds like you’ve discussed the marriage but not proposal timeline. He probably doesn’t understand what goes into planning a wedding – have you discussed what type of wedding you want? Because that’s another conversation you need to have to even know if 2011 will be feasible if you wait to get engaged until later in the year.
Communicate communicate communicate. Never stop communicating. That’s what marriage is all about!
Post # 7
@Lexsy: I have told him that I don’t need a grand proposal, I told him I don’t need a proposal at all! We have been living together 4 years, I have a ring which was my grandmothers- I said I would happy to wear that, I don’t want him to worry so much about a grand gesture that it never happens! But he insists, he wants to do it properly and he wants to ask my Dad etc. AND the more I mention it the later it will be. He gets pretty stressed about planning things- I sort out that part of the relationship so this is pretty much the only thing he has ever done for the 2 of us on his own! xxx
Post # 8
@crayfish: I am scared to put too much pressure on by saying you have to propose between this time and this time, when we’ve already set a ‘ wedding date’ of sometime this year- that seems pressure enough. We did talk about this yesterday, and I said since we both wouldn’t want to get married later than September 2011 would we?. he agreed. and I said we would need at least 4 months notice to organise and plan- hoping he would count back himself!. He didn’t say much, just looked stressed that I was talking about it again, but agreed with everything I was saying.. He just said- ‘its not going to be a surprise if you keep talking about it’. I said I trust you totally, I just wanted you to bear in mind a proposal (i cant say that word out loud to him so I said ‘planning’ instead) timeline.
I guess Im just worried about noone else knowing our plans, and fitting everything in. I had really hoped for a christmas proposal.. and was disappointed, which is why I brought it up at NYE again and he promised it would be this year. Im going to have to give myself another mental deadline!
Post # 9
Can you tell him, “Honey, I’m excited about gettgin started planning our wedding, but feel kinda silly talking to eople about it without it being “official”. I don’t need a hot air balloon ride complete with unicorns and rainbows spelling our names…. I just need you to tell me it’s official, wth or without a ring (only if you’re cool with not haivng a ring, though)?”
If not, can you nonchanlantly start mentioning, “oh, by the way, so and so venue needs to know by such and such to be reserved, and they’re in big demand right now,” or “wow – did you know it can take X amount of months to just get a wedding dress/reserve tuxedos/pick a cake/etc?” Or how about “such and such from across the country says the want to visit, can I tell them about the plans so they can decide to come for the wedding instead? I feel funny about letting them visit twice or telling them about the wedding if we’re not officially engaged?”
I think many men think a wedding can be slapped together in a few weeks notice, but unless it’s Vegas, that’s quite an undertaking. If he’s made up his mind about you, mybe he’s worried about not being able to ask you in the most romantic manner – the engagement IS kinda the guy’s chance to shine, so try to back off, give him a few weeks if you can to not mention it, and see if he relaxes. V-day is coming, in addition to the aniiversary. Try to hold out at least until then.
Post # 10
Maybe talk to him and see if you guys can set a more specific time that you want to get married (at least something like “summer of 2011” or “fall of 2011”, though setting a month would be even better). Since you’ve already talked marriage and plan on getting married this year, I don’t think that’s pushing things too much. Then see if he’d be ok with you looking into some sites/vendors, even before the official proposal. If he’s ok with that, you could have the time you need to do research and find a place while he could still have the time he needs to plan a proposal
Post # 11
I think I will try and be quiet about it for a few more months, and then if it still hasn’t happened I might ask him if it is ok to look into some wedding plans. I think if I start talking about venues and bookings now, he might freak out even more. Our anniversary is 29th April, so if he waits til then, which he may do, that will give us 4/5 months to plan an early september wedding. We have discussed a summer/early autumn 2011 wedding.. so I hope he has that in mind.. Its hard to find the right balance between talking about it and leaving him to get on with it.
The other night we were talking about wedding timing in a very tentative manner- and he said ‘is this something we should talk about now or wait til after I’ve asked you?’.. and I said ‘I don’t know!!’.. it feels too weird talking about it in detail when it hasn’t happened!!
Post # 12
Have you read Mr. Bee’s Back Up Plan for Getting Engaged? I think it might be really helpful, and it would definitely help you get your mind off the situation!!!