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jeez that's awful... I can definitely say I saw an immediate backlash within a few months from several friends about being "too young", and continued talking behind my back, just because they don't want to get married until they're out of their 20's (I'm 24). If this situation happened to me, I'd definitely just go have a spa day to myself. Don't let them pull you down!
I think this is definitely worse in your 30s! Like Violachap said, in your 20s people think you're young, have all the time in the world, etc. By your 30s your marital status starts turning into a bigger deal, at least for some people.
I have definitely been going through this and it stings! Sometimes it makes me feel guilty/bad, if they're honest and tell me about how hard it is seeing all of their single friends get married one by one. Other times it's just a slap in the face - I had one very close single friend of years (who has been having a hard time with her friends getting engaged,) call me up and casually blow of my bachelorette party at the last minute. Not even an apology or very good excuse, more of an annoyed "What do you expect me to do, something came up!" attitude.
I have heard that your close friends tend to change every 7 years or so. It makes sense, as people hit life milestones at different rates.
We are quickly learning that fiance's groomsmen, friends of 20 years, since they were 4 years old, are probably not going to be friends for much longer. They don't seem to care at all for fiance (to the point that I had to book their hotel room last night for the wedding... and our wedding is on Saturday). They are still in a "party boy college" type mindset and fiance grew out of that years ago. They're all single without prospects, and just don't understand I guess.
Anyhow, just realize that in the end, you're not losing friends, you are growing into new ones as you social atmosphere / personality is changing.
ugh! How terrible! Dealing with jealousy sucks, and dealing with people who don't even seem to care is even worse. I would try to forget about them....
Is there any way you can take a little trip back to see your family? I'm sure your mom would love to come with you shopping for your shoes or jewellery or whatever... just a thought.
That's terrible that they would say such things...
One thing I had noticed many years ago was that I tended to attract a certain kind of friend and as I got older I realized that they were selfish and unhappy with their life and couldn't be happy for anyone else around them so I started to let them go because truly they were not there for me when I needed them. It seemed like it was a relationship out of convenience and I grew tired of it.
It was really lonely for awhile and then I started to make friends again but this time I was more careful of who I let into my life and I am happy to say that I now have a great group of friends.
Sometimes it's hard to accept that friends you have known for so long could do something so hurtful but what I also realized that the strength of friendship does not solely rely upon the number of years you have known them for and to accept also that they have changed....
It's sad that they are too self absorbed but in the end they will miss out and suffer, your fiancee sounds like a great guy and he's right, you should take care of yourself and enjoy this time, don't let anyone ruin this time for you because it's not worth it.
i can completly understand your prediment!!!! all my friends except 2 which engaged. all my single friends are so mean and say hurtful things that we are rushing into our wedding!!!! how is that even possible we have been dating 3.5 years and have a 16 month engagment how the hell is that rushin into things ??? and my 2 engaged friends have been engaged for 7 and 11 years???? they feel they are superior to me since they have been engaged so long.. my question to them is why are you being so mean your guy may have out a ring on your finger but still wont make the commintment to you!!!! so why judge me i found my happiness and my best friend in my future husband why cant they just be happy for me!!!!! my fiance just believes that it is jealousy thats causing it all!!!!
alphajuliet, where are you? I'm sure some of the Bees in your area can throw you a kick-ass party!! If you're in Toronto, I would definitely help out :)
I agree with the other replies... it's awful that you aren't feeling the love and support from your friends that you should be during a time that's supposed to be one of the most exciting in your life. But you have lots of people who love you who just aren't nearby, and the people who are letting you down now will miss your friendship later, when you have new and more caring and unselfish friends. Sometimes we have to make our own happiness - take your fiance's advise and pamper yourself!
One of the first things my best friend of 8 years told me when I got engaged was "it should be me" - her and her bf have been on and off since high school and they arent even on right now!!! I also got people saying "I thought you wanted to wait until you were in your thirties" well - I never said anything about marriage really because I didnt have a timeline. But it was definitely hurtful knowing that people couldnt just be happy for me because they were focusing on themselves. I got past it because these girls are my best friends and they apologized for things they said as well....but still I understand how you are feeling.
and engaged for 7 and 11 years....hm....somehow doubtful those weddings are going to happen, so i can understand them being jealous! eek!
I agree with others that you are probably ending some friendships in order to make way for new ones. This happened to me too. My friends who couldn't get past their own issues about being single were so blase about my engagement and wedding and I also got the line "How can you expect me to be happy for you while I"m single and alone?" Those friends are gone now. Well, we are now acquaintences and now I have new close friends. My support group is different. I grew closer to people in my life who are able to be supportive of me and drifted away from these friends.
Sessaj you crack me up at the thought of a bachelorette party of all bachelorettes... I am in Denver so it would be a bit of a hike. But thank you so much for the offer!
As for being in denver that is another issue... I just moved to denver in december and all these friends which I already had here disappeared it seemed like once I arrived. (got engaged just two months after I got here). These are all mutual friends of both me and my fiance (though one I knew for years before him... which is how we met). He is hurting too that these friends are not here for him either but I swear... guys just take it differently. I take it to heart. I am sorry that you guys have had the same experiences as me but part of me is happy to know I am not alone in this. We are game for finding new friends but with all the things that are going on right now it seems time is limited. I guess in the end I am not shocked that I would lose touch with friends once I "settled down" (as I have never been the settling down type) but I am more surprised by the plain blunt disrespect of people. And clarebee... wow..."it should have been me" that is so rude it is actually almost comical. Not sure even a sitcom could have come up with that mean girl attitude.
I'm sorry this had to happen to you. Something similar happened to me and my best friend, but i think it was for the best. I do agree that over time you just tend to change friends, so i would try not to let this bother you. i just kept the rule that if someone couldn't be happy for us, then their not worth having around. you need people who are there to support you, not to bring you down.
OP you wrote <<right now and I am having to rely on these acquaintance friends.>>
Doesn't that tell you a lot about why you are being treated so poorly? They aren't really your friends at all. And friends or no friends-you shouldn't have to rely on anyone to make you happy. That's just setting yourself for a lifetime of disappointment. I would ditch them and pamper yourself like you FI says!
Oh, I'm so sorry this has been your experience. I'd be emotional too. Its a shame that there are so many selfish people in this world. The great thing is that 1. You have an amazing FI supporting you and 2. You do have true friends, just not in the area. There are a lot of brides who can say even that much.
oh flamingred! don't get me wrong I am have been with and without friends my entire adult life. I don't rely on them for my personal happiness. There are times when it is necessary to have local friends to go to a concert or dinner. Not true friends... but those get out of the house friends. I truely know the difference. My long time best friends have been good to me in all this... but they are not around right now. More than anything I was just shocked at how instanteous and just how rude those everyday friends were treating me. And a friend who have known for 5+ years is here local and she turned on me in this whole process too.
Wow, and you are in your 30's? Call me a bit of an ageist but I expect more from people the older they grow. Although, come to think of it, we usually have 3-5 really close friends and everyone else is just an acquaintance... yes, even you the lady I to lunch with two or three times a week at work, we are not the closest of friends. I am so sorry you are hurt, I would have come for your shower just to have fun if you lived in the NYC area. But your FI is right, you can depend on each other and you will surely have friends who deserve you. It's not the amount, it's the quality. There are friends around the corner. I do understand, as a guy, he's not taking it to heart but for me, I'd be so bummed :(
i'm 21, have been married for almost a month and geez, some days it seems like our "friends" are terrified of us, like marriage is a plague or something! We don't mind, obviously there is a reason they aren't sticking around, and we totally understand that they just want different things in life. They like frat parties, we've never been the huge partying type. It sucks that this brought out the end of a few friendships, but then again that's why we married our best friends and not just someone we get along with!
It really troubles me that people who are supposed to be good friends can't put aside their own baggage to be genuinely happy for a friend when she experiences joy in her life. Luckily, I've only had one friend behave like this since I got engaged, but it was still a major disappointment. It seems like all she wants to do is complain that I'm getting married while she and her boyfriend of five years are not. I try to be sympathetic and I understand why she's stressed, but on the other hand, a little celebration of my happiness would be nice.
A few years ago, FI and I were going through a rough spot. It coincided with my dear friend's wedding and I was her MOH. During the wedding, I felt kind of sad thinking that FI and I were nowhere near ready to be married. BUT, I put on my big girl pants, put a smile on my face, supported my dear friend, and let myself feel truly happy for her and her husband. I'm not trying to say I'm the perfect friend here, but I think this is just what friends do for each other. Sure, we may experience pangs of sadness or regret when we don't have what we want in life, but we should never begrudge our friends' happiness and we should genuinely be happy when things work out for them.
I'm so sorry. It's so unfortunate that it's hard for some people to be happy for others. I have had very similar issues with my 'friends', although I had attempted to "justify" it with saying it's a mid 20's jealousy thing, so to hear it's just as bad in your 30's is so disheartening! Thank goodness for sweet and supportive FI's!
I had something similar happening to me. Not much to the point of them saying these things, but people just distancing themselves, and not inviting me to things anymore (I find out later through FB pictures). I'm coupled, so therefore why would I want to hang out with a bunch of single people? But they're my friends, and I don't care if they're single, and I don't have to bring my FI to everything they invite me to! Frustrating...
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So this has been months in the making but my poor FI got the joy of me crying over it last night. He is wonderful and always says the right things but it still all hurts my feelings. It feels like I lost all my friends the day we got engaged. I have had people say some of the most hurtful things to me such as "Can you expect me to be happy for you while I am single?" Um... I was single for years and had my heart broken over and over but now you aren't happy for me? I am far from bridzilla wanting the world to revolve around me.. I am accomodating to a fault. I am on the other side of the country from my family so I have gotten very little bridal experience and it breaks my mom's heart. The straw that broke the camel's back was that since we got engaged everyone has been excited about our bachelor/bachelorette party (yes, not a reason for them to drink and not necessarily to celebrate us) but then as of yesterday every person has gone silent when it is time to rsvp for the event. Yep, we are throwing our own party and now no one is coming. In the end my FI told me to pamper myself and let them rot. Note.... you would think that these people are young and immature... we are all in our mid to late thirties!!! And I have wonderful life long friends who all live all over the world and are kicking themselves that they aren't around right now and I am having to rely on these acquaintance friends.
Anyone else had experiences like this?