Post # 1
I feel super defeated today, bees.
I have gotten to a point where I am truly numb and losing all faith that I will ever be in a happy relationship.
I am in my 3rd serious relationship. In all 3 relationships I have felt invisible and disrespected many, many times… but in different ways. My current SO is vicious at times and occasionally talks to me like I am a child. During an argument he will tell me to “learn my place” or “go to bed.” He is especially obnoxious after a few drinks, which makes me really sad. I want to be able to have a few cocktails with my SO and enjoy ourselves, not have to worry that he will “turn mean.”
I am feeling really crappy about myself lately and I know a lot of it has to do with him… but at times I still question whether I am crazy because I always seem to find myself in these volatile relationships. My relationships have always been very love/hate and all I want is something healthy but I don’t know if I am even capable of it. I have moved MANY times over the last several years… I feel like this pattern keeps repeating itself “Fall in love, think the future is bright, move in with SO, SO becomes emotionally unavailable and/or abusive, move out and start over again.” I guess I feel so defeated because I have zero energy to change the situation I am in at this point in my life. I would literally rather sleep and ignore the situation because I am SO TIRED. I just want a stable place to call home. I just want someone to fight for me and to love me more than they love their ego. I am at an age where I just wanted to have my life figured out and some stability and I feel more confused than ever.
Anyone ever been there? Anyone have any wisdom? I could seriously use it.
Post # 2
I think you need to go to therapy and figure out why you’re attracted to guys who aren’t nice to you. If any guy ever told me to “learn my place,” I’d kick him in the nuts and be out the door.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
It seems like you have a type. You shouldn’t be with anyone who makes you feel the way you describe. I say, leave him, and when you are ready to date again try doing it with someone you wouldn’t usually go for. I did not think DH was my type when we met, but he surprised me, and I actually ended up with the nice guy! You need to be with someone who respects you, and LOVES you. Not love/hate.
Post # 4
I think you need to learn to be happy with yourself by yourself before you are able to add another person to the mix and have it all work out. You said yourself there is a pattern. Break that pattern and stop moving in with SO’s before you know yourself and him.
Post # 5
Anna113619: Oh, yes, I have been there, I had two relationships just as you describe. It took me many years to build my self esteem up, and to learn to recognize that I was falling back in with the same type of man. It all felt so familiar and wonderful, but it wasn’t at all.
I suggest the web site Baggage Reclaim, and also some time on your own. Let go of the wrong person to make room for the right one. That phrase helped me so much. When I was being myself, being my BEST self, that’s when I met my wonderful SO now FI. And at first we were friends, for a long time. We built a strong respectful relationship. You can too!!! Hang in there!!
Post # 6
Leaving a “viscious” relationship can be high risk for you. Make sure you contact your local resources for abused omen or contact the national hotline if you are in the USA BEFORE you leave to get advice.
http://www.thehotline.org has some good information
You may need some time between relationships to develop some self-esteem.
Being on your own for a while is not a bad thing.
I hope you have the strength to leave, stand on your own two feet, and reclaim your sense of identity.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB
I won’t repeat what’s already been said about therapy. But i think you need a break from dating anyone. Get your self to happy place and then love will find you.
It just sounds like you’re waiting on a partner to fill the void within you. And no one will ever be able to do that.
You’ve got to be happy alone before you can happy with anyone else.
Post # 8
Anna113619: I’d stop dating for a while and focus on yourself and building strong friendships. I wonder if you have low self-esteem that keeps you from immediately filtering out the jerks… you refer to your current SO as vicious – most women would have been gone the second their guy became nasty. Heck, I am madly in love with my fiance and we own property together, but the second he treated me in a way I would call “vicious”, I’d be out the door! But you seem to be sticking around even when they treat you poorly, and I just wonder if you’re tolerating bad behaviors from the beginning.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
It’s time to be single, hon. Seriously. It’s the best present you could give yourself.
Post # 10
Anna113619: HUGS! My heart goes out to you. First of all, you do not in any way ever deserve to be talked to like that! You don’t in any way deserve to be verbally abused, or disrespected in any way. I’ve been there so I know how painful it is to love someone who isn’t capable of real love.
One thing I’ll caution you about when looking for love – please don’t make the mistake of taking all the blame onto yourself when things go wrong. One of the most important things to do in your life is to learn to fall in love with yourself just as much as you love your significant other. Once you really love yourself, really and truly, you’ll see your way more clearly when seeking a healthy, loving relationship. You’re a good person! You deserve real love. Think of it like this, your current SO is not evolved enough to participate in a healthy relationship. And he may never be. You don’t have to judge him, but wish him well and leave him behind.
Your journey to love has just begun. I’ve been through many painful relationships but am now finally, happily married. And my husband is not only my lover but also my best friend. We have fun together. We’re kind to each other. We respect each other and have the same values. It’s simple, easy, flowing and healthy. It will happen for you when you let go of the wrong one.
Post # 12
Anna113619: first you need to go to a therapist that will help you figuring out why you always go for those type of guys. maybe after breaking up with one guy take time to love and enjoy your self my mom always tell me no men or any other person in this planet will love you until you love your self with all your flaws and uglyness. I say leave him see a therapist take time to live your self and mdo things you want to do and don’t rush to the next guy if by any chance you found some you like that’s not the typical guy you will go for take things slow and stand up for your self.
Post # 13
I think one of the best things you (or any woman) can do is to spend some time being single. Get an education, focus on your career, travel, get to know yourself. Once you realize you are a smart, beautiful, intelligent, and self sufficient woman you are much less likely to accept being treated like anything less than that. I wish you the best.
Post # 14
Yeah, it sounds like you have horrible taste in men. Happens to a lot of us. I’m guessing you’re into very passionate and exciting relationtions with sexy and confident guys that turn out to be assholes. Passion is great and all, but can often cover up guys that are assholes. You need to be able to see through the passion to the inner asshole. Alcohol doesn’t turn people mean. It lowers their inhibitions and lets their inner mean show through.
Honestly, I would spend some time single. Feel better about yourself and you will expect a guy to live up to what you deserve. Which is a lot more than this douche. Then look for actual nice guys. Top priority. They’re out there. You may have even been turning them down. Think about guys in the long term. Don’t go for the flash in the pan guys. Look for guys who already have stability in their lives. And don’t move in with them! At least not until you’ve been dating for a signficant amount of time (year plus) and really feel like you know them, good and bad.
Post # 15
First: Major HUGS. Second: When you do date again, take your time. Move slowly. Observe your SO in all seasons to see what he is truly like. There are good, honorable men out there who know how to treat women. And you deserve nothing less than that. Any prick who told me to ‘learn my place’ would learn his very quickly–out on his ass.