(Closed) Feel terrible for my fiance….

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Wow, that’s incredibly difficult to deal with. I wouldn’t hesitate to tell them to quit putting him down. If they throw a fit about it, so be it. They sound toxic. I don’t have much advice, but I did want to let you know I read everything and sympathize.

Post # 4
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah I can’t really say I have any advice either other than eventually “this too shall pass”

*hugs*

Post # 6
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I guess the silver lining is he has you and your parents to show him it DOESN’T have to be that way. That it’s OK to be warm and loving. And he will be able to pass that on to your children someday.
Some people are just negative by nature. They will never change. It is what it is, and you have to try to keep it in perspective. At least you have each other to get through it.

Post # 7
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Well, I guess at least his in laws are nice! 😀

I know what you mean though. FH and his mother no longer talk (she disowned him and his older sister, and then tried to have restraining orders taken out on not only them, but me as well, all because her OTHER son tried to stab them and then assaulted me, apparently calling the police was wrong and instantly made US the bad guys?!). His dad and step-mum have moved away too, although he does get along well with them. Then there is my family, who we both get along with super well and see all the time. My mum actually said one day that he is her best friend 🙂

You guys are getting married, so your awesome family will become his family too, and while it sucks that his relationship with his parents is kind of crappy, he can build a healthy relationship with your parents. How is his relationship with his brother? Is his entire family that way or just his parents?

Post # 8
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LadyElva:  My husband and your FI must be long lost brothers!  My ILs are the same way with him.  He’s a 30 year old man, college grad, hard worker, sensible, smart, the list goes on and on.  They treat him like a child.  They don’t take anything he says seriously. 

Quick history – we’ve been together 9 years, married since September, my MIL has brought up his ex-gf to me on multiple occassions.  About 6 months before we were married she said “That Mary, she was a nice girl, but I’m happy my son is marrying you.”  WEIRD ALERT!  He has spoken to her numerous times, asked her to stop bringing up his ex.  Well she did it again, Christmas morning when we were all together.  He (AGAIN!) told her to stop to which she replied “I can’t believe my son would speak to me that way.”  No responsibility, no blame, no fault.  She’s the Mom, she has license to do or say whatever she feels with no repercussions.

So – you’re not alone.  And this has been prevelant in the 9 years I’ve known them and the 30 years my poor husband has dealt with them.  Just because they are older, it doesn’t make them right.  You and your husband need to learn how to cope.  You need to realize you can’t change their attitudes.  What you CAN do, it change HOW you interact with them, if at all. 

They are his parents.  And it’s difficult to cut them out (not to mention, I don’t exactly think it’s warranted based on this alone).  But he can start to nip shit in the bud.  In reality, there ARE consequences for bad behavior, and he needs to start communicating that.  “Mom/Dad – if you speak to me this way, this conversation will end.”  Or “Mom/Dad – if you can’t respect me as an adult, we’re not going to speak as often as you would like anymore.”  And he’s got to stick with it.  He needs to protect himself.

While I don’t believe overall attitudes can change, I do believe you can teach people that “When I do X, he does Y.  I don’t like it when Y happens, so I won’t say X anymore.” 

Post # 10
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LadyElva:  That’s unfortunately what happens… they don’t see the error of their ways until it’s too late.  Or, they never see the error of their ways and continue to deflect blame rather than take responsibility and make an effort to change.  It a sucky debacle.

If you FI hasn’t yet, he should sit down with them and communicate how they are negatively impacting his life.  If he approaches them this way (versus “I don’t like it when you do that”) maybe, MAYBE, they will come around. It’s certainly worth a shot.

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