Post # 1
I just had my wedding a few weeks ago and it was great. Everything went almost perfectly. Of course some details weren’t what I imagined they would be but overall it was just an amazing day.
However, I feel a little weird because almost all of my friends, with the exception of one, and also the majority of my husband’s friends, didn’t get us a gift. And for the most part they didn’t even get us a card, nothing! We had a wedding of 100 people, and most of them came to a barbecue at my parents’ house the day before, as well as a brunch the day after. The wedding reception had an open bar and a ton of amazing food. I know that not everyone thinks you should give a gift to cover the cost of your plate, but I do think you should, and I have done that when I have been a wedding guest.
It’s one thing if you can’t afford it, I understand that. One of my oldest friends came from across the country to attend our wedding and is unemployed, but he gave us a nice card. I appreciated it! But the rest of my friends make tons of money–around $100,000 each–and brought boyfriends and girlfriends as guests. These are lawyers, business people, all around 30 years old. And they didn’t give us a gift! I am so surprised by that.To me, at least in my family, that is considered incredibly rude.
Another thing that bothers me is that some of them are engaged, and I know that I will be going to their weddings. But I would never attend a wedding without giving a gift, so I will end up giving them gifts (a check, I mean) even though I make about 1/3 of what they do. I know I just need to get over it, because I don’t want it to ruin my friendships, but it is really chafing me. We had an amazing wedding and less than 50% of our guests gave us gifts. Is that weird?
Post # 3
Well, keep in mind that some might be sending gifts to you from your registry. We had a lot of people do that at our wedding b/c they didn’t feel comfortable dragging a gift box all over town, and then having us drag it home. So they shipped it when they knew we were back from our honeymoon.
Post # 4
A lot of Gen Y is just ignorant of customs, like wedding-gift giving, until they actually do something that makes the issue come up. Since a lot of your guests aren’t married I’d consider it ignorance rather than deliberate rudeness. I’d still take the high road and get presents for them when they get married. Hopefully they’ll feel bad about not getting you a wedding present and maybe get you something for your anniversary or take you out to dinner.
Post # 5
@rachelss: I agree, I think it’s probably ignorance for most of them. They are 30 but for the most part they are unmarried. This type of etiquette has been drilled into me by my parents so I guess I am just shocked.
I am planning on getting them gifts for their weddings but I know they will never make it up to me, they’re just not like that.
Post # 6
Frankly, I was a quite surprised by the number of people who didn’t bring us cards or gifts. I thought, like 2peasinapd suggested, that people would just wait and send a registry gift. But its been almost 6 weeks, so at this point I’m pretty sure there are no more gifts coming. Some of my closest friends came to two bridal showers, and brought gifts, so I’m not thinking of them at all.
Post # 7
Hmm…it’s probably ignorance on their part I would think. We only had one couple who didn’t get us a gift for our engagement party and I doubt they’ll give a gift for the wedding. I don’t mind but FMIL is irritated because she always gives gifts to this couple’s children and their graduations, marriages, baby showers, etc. I think it’s frustrating when you always give gifts at weddings (I know I do) and there are some people who don’t follow in this tradition.
Post # 8
uumm some people think they have a year! My mom got my good friend a wedding gift and it took her 6 months to get around to mailing it! We had the same thing though, most of our friends who are our own age ish didn’t get us gifts, or cards or anything. We only had 65 people so everyone was on the A-list so to speal. I don’t want the gifts for the sake of the gifts, but a card would be nice since we hand picked each one of our guests to share our day with us.
Post # 9
Dont feel bad….out of the 118 invitations that went out, we only received 40 gifts. My wedding was 4 months ago. I was extremely upset at first, but chalked it up as poor manners. Considering I’ve given gifts to these people for weddings, showers and babies, I wqas extremely upset to say the least. I understand that people have a year, but who ACTUALLY waits a year to give a gift. 1 maybe 2…not 75%.
Nothing can be done. I can either cut out of these people from my life, or just get over it. I’m planning to get over it. I’ll buy it myself from my registry if I really want the item.
Post # 10
We had a TON of people not give us anything! And I didnt’ even realize it until we were writing TY cards – I was shocked at how many people and the ‘caliber’ of the people who didn’t get us anything.
We did get some things after the wedding, but it was mostly from friends who were mailing checks. The family/parents friends who didn’t buy us anythign by the wedding never sent anything as a follow-up.
Post # 11
I have to say that I feel a little better knowing that this has happened to all of you, as well. I was taking it a little personally, but I guess they are just ignorant or rude. I think that some of them do think they have a year after the wedding to give a gift, but I’m sure out of those who do think that they can do that, most will forget. Plus, what is with that “one year” rule? These are mostly pretty close friends, so they knew the date of our wedding at least 6 months in advance. You seriously can’t pick a gift (or write a check and fill out a card) in that time? I think it’s a cop-out.
And we did have a few gifts from our registry waiting for us when we got home from our wedding, which was nice. Additionally, two people sent cards to our home, because they had forgotten to at the wedding. but it’s just radio silence from everyone else. It’s a little weird. I am just going to have to get over it.
I have to say though that I feel like it has to be more rudeness than ignorance, or at least maybe it’s feigned ignorance. When you are attending a wedding you make a decision beforehand whether or not to bring a gift, and they decided not to.
Post # 12
It’s only been a few weeks, so I wouldn’t get too upset yet. A lot of younger people might not know the etiquette and think they have a few months to send you a gift. Also, did you have a wedding where a lot of your friends had to travel and make accomodations? It’s not an excuse, but it is understandable that the expense and time for traveling could make the gift an afterthought initially. But definitely don’t hold it against them yet! Wait it out a few months, I’m almost certain more gifts will turn up by then
Post # 13
Boy, I can’t say I experienced this. But I’ll say I can’t blame you for feeling this way. Like you said, if people were out of work, or had to travel to a DW, I would understand. And while I try not to make assumptions aobut others’ finances, I think if you make a good wage and plan on going to a wedding, you should budget a gift of some kind.
Post # 14
Wow, that sucks. I’m young (just turned 22 this summer) and I have ALWAYS, always, always given a gift at every shower, birthday, shower, etc. that I have ever been invited to. Always. I couldn’t imagine NOT giving at least a card. Sometimes I give more than others depending on my relationship with that person and my financial situation at the time. I guess I really need to thank my parents for pounding that one in my head at a very young age. Sorry you didn’t get much (even though I know it’s not the point of a wedding)..I would be ticked too.
Post # 15
I’ve never heard of anything like this. But it wasn’t even b/c of my parents, but more from my friends. Whenever we’ve been invited to something, we’ll ask around each other, oh did you get a gift, do we need to, whats a good range… etc. I’ll admit, I have been invited to maybe only 2 engagement partys and the first one was very casual and I did not know that I needed a gift, though last minute I found out I should bring one and did a small cash gift. But .. really? I don’t know a single person that does not know that people give wedding gifts!
Post # 16
They did have to travel a few hours. My high school friends, a group of 15 or so whom I’m mostly referring to, rented a van and shared rides as well as rooms (like 4 people to a room), though, so I don’t think it cost them too much. But I have traveled to weddings before and I still give a gift.
Anyway, I would understand if people just gave us something small, which a lot of people (my husband’s friends, mostly), did do. It’s more like the principle of the thing. For example, my husband’s married friends came and they bought us one small item from our registry only (a hand mixer). That seems a little cheap to me, but I appreciated the gift and the thought and I just figured they couldn’t afford more or didn’t think more was appropriate. I just moved on. But the fact that my friends, and a lot of my husband’s friends too, didn’t give us so much as a card is just bizarre, so I keep obsessing about it!