Post # 1
Hey guys….just need to vent a little, so bear with me. My fiancee and I got engaged earlier this year, and have decided to do a quick turnaround type wedding. Originally we had planned to do a big wedding, and then a destination, but decided it cost too much for us, and for our friends and family.
So, we are doing a very small (40 people) ceremony and planning it in about 6 weeks. We are not doing a bridal shower or a registry, as we are older (28 & 32) and already own a home together. I don’t feel right asking anyone for anything as it is, and am not expecting any type of gifts. We just wanted to throw a big party and have a good time with the most important people in our lives. I’m really super excited about it!
Anyways, the reason I am writing…I feel like my bridal party feels more hassled than anything about being in the wedding, and I feel terrible about it. I am not asking my bridesmaids to buy a specific dress, and just gave a color and said get what you want. I picked a gray thinking that they might wear the dress again, so it would be worth them spending the money at least. We chose super inexpensive lodging as well. I am not asking for gifts or anything else. One of my bridesmaids lives all the way across the country, so I totally understand why she is out of the planning process (but she’s been super helpful and is flying in, even on short notice – which I was blown away by!). My Maid/Matron of Honor is a total flake and always has some type of life crisis going on. She’s my cousin and the closest thing I have to a sister, but I don’t really expect her to do much. Finally I have a Bridesmaid or Best Man who will be my sister in law. I love her, and she’s super fun to be around, but I feel more like this wedding is just a pain in the butt to her. Her husband is the best man, and all three of their kids are flower girls (who I will be paying for the dresses for). I just don’t feel like I am asking much at all, and I’m a little disappointed that I feel like I am inconveniencing people and that they aren’t a little more excited for me.
I guess I just thought it would feel a lot more special. Part of me wants to ask to do a bachelorette party, even just going out for dinner, but I don’t want to make it harder on anyone. I get that I’m more laid back than a lot of brides, and I think maybe people think I don’t WANT to be fussed over…which I don’t, kind of. I’ve been more of a tomboy my whole life, so I was really excited to have people get pumped to get dresses with me and what not. Ugh, I don’t know. It’s hard to explain!
Post # 2
guest1985: Can you give us specific examples of why you think your bridal party is feeling “hassled”? Perhaps you just have guilt about asking them to be involved and are projecting that onto them?
Post # 3
guest1985: I am guessing, and correct me if I am wrong, your bridal party are not mind readers?! 🙂
From the basis of how you are planning the very laid back, kinda quick, wanna a big party, do not want or need gifts/shower, they are most likely ASSUMING you are not interested in a dinner, or bachelorette party. AND, or, that there is not time to really throw one between now, and the wedding!
I am sure if you tell them of your desires to get your bridal party together, whether it be dinner, or a night out, they would all be ecstatic to share in the fun!!
Post # 4
I feel for you. My BM’s have been awesome!!!! But FI’s Groomsmen have royally sucked! Most are married or have been in weddings before so they know what it takes to plan something like this. I had to beg them and basically plan his Bachelor party. He is super upset and has even told me that he is going to cut ties with one of the guys after the wedding. My Fiance paid for the hotel for the bachelor party and did it nearby instead of Vegas to try and incorporate everyone. The one guys he did it for didn’t even bother to come! Ugh. I might suggest speaking up to the friend that has been responsive saying you don’t want something big but a little something for a bach party would be appreciated. It seems weird but if you don’t speak up they might assume that you just dont want it.
Best of luck and keep smiling knowing you are marrying the love of your life!
Post # 5
What “planning process?” Isn’t that your job?
Not everyone is into bachelorette parties. You may be interested to know that they aren’t even an “official” pre- wedding event or a bridesmaid or Maid/Matron of Honor obligation to host or plan. That doesn’t mean your friends aren’t excited for your wedding.
Post # 6
I think you’ll feel a lot better if you focus on what you have, instead of what you don’t have (or what you think you don’t have. Because most brides don’t have clubbing nights in Vegas, and just about every day another bride posts on Weddingbee about pre-wedding celebration disappointment).
You own a home. You have family and friends. You have a wedding. You presumably have a wonderful fiance you’re excited to marry. I think marriage is important, I think it’s big and special and solemn and wonderful. I think if you give your fiance a hug and think about how much you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together, this bachelorette stuff, and all the other little stuff, will be nothing by comparison.
Post # 7
to me, without knowing more detail, it doesn’t sound like they are unexcited or uninterested. it seems like you think they are, and so whatever they do or don’t do is going to serve as evidence of that to you.
think of it this way: you guys are older (your words), so they might not be doing the freakout girly glitter bachelorette party because maybe they think it’s something you’re over? or that you wouldn’t want? i dunno. the best cure for that one is to just set something up that’s not a bach party, but that might clue them in that you want to do something. maybe organize dinner out and see how they react?
also, you’re doing your wedding on a very short timeline. this a lot to for anyone, yourself included, to handle. so you’re probably a little stressed, they probably are too, and your own stress is probably something you’re projecting onto them. you don’t want them to feel hassled, but you’re assuming they are.
as far as planning–that’s on you. your wedding, your plans. they don’t have to do anything, really, besides show up the day of. which considering they have 6 weeks notice, that’s enough to ask for/expect.
it sounds like, more than anything, you’re let down that people aren’t fussing over you more. it doesn’t sound like anyone is being “bad” at being a Bridesmaid or Best Man or anything like that. it sounds like you just wanted more attention than you might be getting–okay to have that feeling–and you’re bummed.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Have they not been looking for their dresses? That is the only thing that I would see as them acting negative toward the planning.
Post # 9
Its hard to tell from your post if they are actually uninterested or if they just don’t know what you want. When you’ve apparently said no gifts, no bridal shower, just buy a gray dress, they might not know what you wish they would do besides buy a gray dress? Since you’ve exed out everything else you might need to suggest a bachelorette party bc they probably don’t know you want one.
It also doesn’t sound like you are actually very close to the in town bridesmaids? Honestly, I’ve been in a wedding where I wasn’t close to the bride and I wasn’t that interested in taking the time to go wedding dress shopping or look at flowers. I bought my dress, attended the rehearsal and dinner, showed up bright and early wedding day for the whole hair/makeup/pictures day with bride and that was it. But where I was closer to the bride I was more excited about it. If they aren’t actually people you are close to and spend a lot of time with, it isn’t that odd that they aren’t suddenly ready to drop everything to spend time on your wedding stuff. It isn’t that they don’t like you or aren’t happy for you, they just aren’t very close to you or used to spending significant time with you.
Post # 10
Whether you have 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years to your wedding, what more are you expecting from them? Have they said anything negative, like they don’t approve of your FI?
So you want a bachelorette party. Then tell one of the Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor that you want one. There’s nothing else for them to “plan”. Did you want them to go dress shopping with you?
I’ve seen it said on this site many times – no one is as excited for your wedding as you are.
Post # 11
This is what my fiance and I are doing. We are only have a maid of honor and a best man. I chose a dress that I thought was pretty and showed it to my maid of honor and Future Mother-In-Law and they both loved it so we purchased it. It was on sale and got a 20 percent off as well so she scooped it up. Only having a maid of honor and a best man saves us stress. We are also having two flower girls my fiance nieces who I spent time with a lot and our ring bearer our son who will be 15 months at the time of our wedding. My Future Mother-In-Law is walking my son down the aisle and my Future father in law is walking me down the aisle. I love my fiance family.
Post # 12
I don’t think it’s ever appropriate to “ask” people to throw you a bachelorette party or shower or guilt them into it. Those things are voluntary, not an obligation. Sometimes they are even a surprise. If people don’t offer, I would assume it’s not happening. The important thing is that they will be there for you on your wedding day.
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2014 - Saint Faustina Church/R&D Memories
If you want a bachelorette party then tell your bridesmaids, “I want to have a bachelorette party. What date is good for you?”. You’re the bride and its your wedding. If you want something that’s important to you, then let your bridal party know.
Post # 14
OK- So there’s definitely good and bad advice here that applies to my particular situation. My whole point to the post was that I am actively trying to make this easy on my bridesmaids (who I am incredibly close to all of them, one of which I deployed with to Afghanistan), and I felt like maybe they weren’t as excited.
So…I read all of your posts, and I’m like…OK maybe I’m being too easy and people think I don’t want this stuff. So I spent the evening with my cousin and brought it up, and she was so excited! She said she was hoping I would bring it up and was pumped to plan it! So that’s pretty awesome and I am glad I asked. I guess there is such a thing as being too easy.
When I said I felt like they weren’t involved in the planning process, it had absolutely nothing to do with the actual planning of the wedding…more like I have asked about bridesmaid dresses and what they want to do, and most have been just “meh” about it.
Anyways, long story short….I need to be more direct. I have been known in my family to be the “pleaser” and the diplomat. I read your advice, learned from it, and am glad I did! Thanks guys!