Weddingbee boards

So, I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my friend's wedding at the end of October. We've been friends a very long time and I'm very excited that she is getting married. I'm also getting married at the end of August so there's been a lot of wedding excitement going around.

Recently she sent a message to myself and the other BMs (there's 7) that she would like a suprise bridal shower and that the theme should be ABC at XYZ venue. That's cool. Then in a later conversation she mentioned that she would like to have a big weekend bachelorette party. That's also cool. I'm down for a party.

So here's the part I'm a little put off by. I was speaking with her over the weekend and I mentioned that I'd like to do a small girls night sleepover towards the end of July for my bachelorette party - nothing fancy, couple girls, couple drinks at my place. Her response? I won't be able to go to your bridal shower or sleepover because I can't afford it.

I understand that she may not have funds - she's been unemployed for a while. But during the same conversation she told me about how she just bought 2 pricey dresses ($200 each! A value! Because she had a coupon!) - 1 for her surprise shower, and 1 for her bachelorette party AND ordered custom made wedding shoes.

I don't mean to sound like it's tit-for-tat, but FI and I've already spent $300 on a BM dress for her wedding and she's clearly expecting me (and the other BMs) to shell out some big $$ for her bridal and bachelorette party and she can't spend a few $s for some food and liquor at a sleep over?

Sorry, I just had to get that out. Phew. Thanks.

This type of thing bugs me. I wish people would just say the truth: "I don't WANT to spend the money on your events." as opposed to lying about not being able to afford it.

Ugh.

I would be more than a little put off if I were you. Can you tell her how you're feeling about this?

@teaadntoast: Her message to all the BMs re:her shower and party went out a week or so ago and I haven't heard anything concrete from the other girls. One did mention to me that she felt the whole thing was very presumptuous of her, especially since she's already purchased dresses for parties that haven't been planned  yet. She has two MOHs (sister and sister-in-law) and I haven't heard a peep from either of them. I'm still kind of hurt, so I haven't been to keen to find out the details.

@highwire: You know, I think this might be closer to the truth than her not being able  to afford it. Ugh. That makes me even angrier.

She decided you guys were going to throw her a surprise party?  How does that work?  Also, when you say "weekend bachelorette party," do you mean she actually wants to go somewhere, get a hotel for a couple of days, go out each day, etc.?

If it were me, I'd probably be tempted to "reassess" my finances and tell her it's looking like I won't be able to afford her plans either.  If her bachelorette weekend is nearby, I wonder if you could tell her you'll be able to show up for drinks one night but won't be able to go in on a hotel room - see how she reacts to that.

Her attitude is really unreasonable and entitled.  How much could it possibly cost her to show up with a bottle of liquor and a bag of chips for a sleepover at your place?  And I don't really think lack of funds are a valid reason to not show up to a shower at all if you're a bridesmaid - if you can't afford to contribute as much to the shower planning as the other BM's, you can always just offer to show up early and help decorate (unless there is travel involved, in which case I can understand the expense).  But I would never skip a friend's shower altogether just citing lack of funds.  If I were living on ramen noodles and frozen burritos due to finances, I'd still show up, give her a card, and spend some time with her.

I would just tell her you probably won't have the cash for her parties as well. It's only fair. I hate people that only put themselves first like that.

@KatyElle: Sigh. I like it. And will certainly be using this exact phrase in the potentially near future.

@GreenGables: That's what I said. She doesn't want to know the date, but she does want it to look a certain way and be at a certain place - where is the suprise indeed. I think this is the part that is bothering me the most - it's not the cost, but the fact that she can't be bothered to attend something small for me but clearly expects me to shell out for hers. I don't care about the gifts, it would be nice if you just showed up and ate some cake and spent some happy time with me.

She's dropped hints a few times that her weekend part would include: hotel room/night out at a club/breakfast & manicures the next day. She's quick to say she doesn't want to be a bridezilla but she would like to stay at X hotel and go to Y club and then eat at Z for brunch. Bridezilla indeed.

@Atalanta: I totally LOLd to this. Yeah, I cheap party would be a total surprise :)

She has a LOT of nerve! She can't afford to a attend a sleepover, but is dictating what kind of elaborate celebrations should be held in her honor?! Ugh.

Uh, wow. That is just horrible! I would totally say something. 

Hey ladies. Thank you for letting me vent, I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt she was out of line.

*Update: So, I talked to her last night and told her I was a little upset when told me she wouldn't be able to attend my shower or sleepover because of because she couldn't afford it in the same coversation she told me about her big shopping spree.

Her reply? Well, if you can hold out on your sleepover and shower (my wedding's in August) until after my wedding (in October) I can afford it then. Because we're expecting to make $20,000 from our wedding.

REALLY!?!?!?!?!?! ::facepalm::

I told her I couldn't wait to see the pics from her parties, since that's the closest I could afford to get to the action. What is it about wedding planning that brings out the worst in some people? Sheesh.

@Atalanta:Sigh. I know, weddings are to share the love; but I think she expects to make money because her parents are paying for the entire wedding. She has 200 people on her guest list and I'm not surprised she's already done the math (i.e expecting $100 from each person).

Sadly, I'm pretty sure the send me pictures remark went right over her head, because I just received a group text asking us to keep 2 weekends in September free. Double sigh.

She is in lala land and someone needs to bring her back down to earth! I'm sure you are making some sacrifices, both time and money to support her in her upcoming events and she should be doing the same for you. If not, then she is not a real friend.