- 7 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
I guess I am coming here for some comfort and opinions. My Fiance is at work and my friends are either at work or on holidays.
I’ve devastated my family. I’ve posted about this a bit recently because its consuming my life. And well, being alone tends to make things worse.
On Monday I cancelled our wedding. My parents were paying for it and it was turning out to be something we did not want. I always had a bad feeling about allowing them to pay for it because with my mother nothing given is without strings. But I did it any way, because Fiance and I cannot afford a wedding in the UK.
My father has failing health, I have a 85 and 94 year old grans and it was going to make life easier for my parents for it to be in the UK. Admittedly I only ever thought about it being in the UK for those reasons. I never thought about whether Fiance and I would enjoy the day, I just wanted to make life easier for my family.
However, since returning from my trip to visit my family and find a venue I realized that this was a mistake. Fiance was always concerned about allowing them to pay, mainly because of the way my mother is. Also because he has worked for everything in his life and is uncomfortable having things given to him. This is something I admire in him.
My parents own my life. They have given me opportunities, experiences and education that some people would kill for. I know that, and am eternally thankful for that, and yet my mother has always made me feel guilty about it.
Throwing it back in my face whenever she got angry, going on about all the things she and dad had done for me. I didn’t realize people have children to hold things over their heads. Ofcourse there is more to the story than that. 27 years is too much information to fit into a post.
I came to realize I did not want my mother to own the memories of our wedding. Nothing is given without strings with her. And she enjoyed telling me that at the equivalent age she and dad had paid for their own wedding, bought their own house etc.
Well excuse me Im not my mother, my life has taken a different path to hers.
Anyway, Fiance was frustrated and felt as though he was being told what to do and not consulted, and I felt as though I was betraying him by constantly caving concerning the wedding. Neither of us were excited about it. I never wanted to talk about it with my gfs and was dreading going to look for a dress. I just couldn’t get excited about it and neither could Fiance.
So on Monday I cancelled it. We are going to pay my parents back the money that will be lost from this decision, but obviously there is an emotional cost. My parents feel they have little to look forward to in life. That is because of the way in which they have chosen to live and deal with the situation facing them.
But I cannot be held responsible for the misery that is in their lives. My mother bullies and yells at my father all the time and the rest of the family has decided that appeasment is the way forward, to make my fathers life easier.
Well that is not how I feel our wedding should be. It should not be hostage to her mood swings just to make my fathers life easier. I love my father and we were always incredibly close. He is the person I have missed being so far from home.
But this is our wedding day. I know some people view it as just another day, but I can’t, its something important, something special, and we should pay for it ourselves. that way it is truly ours.
I just have to accept the fact that I have made a decision that may well mean that my father will not be at our wedding because of his health. My mother may not be there because of her anger, but its the exclusion of my father that is the most painful.
We cannot afford a wedding and then a trip to the UK. We have been a single income family for the last two years. We want to keep our savings as intact as possible, so any party in the UK would be some time after we got married. And his progression is fast. He is not sure where he will be next year concerning his health.
I know I’ve made the right decision for my Fiance and I concerning our wedding and the start of our marriage. But I wish I had come to the decision before I raised my family’s hopes. I find it difficult that I have chosen to possibly exclude my family from the wedding. But had we done it the way we were going to, neither Fiance nor I would have looked back on the wedding happily. There would have always been that frustrated feeling, a negative feeling about the wedding. And the possibility for my mother to hold it over my head.
Its just so sad, I never intend to hurt my family and yet over the years I have managed to do it a few times. I let my guilt towards them guide me until it ends up messing things up. So I have decided that this is the wrong way to approach life.
I am marrying my Fiance, spending the rest of my life with him. We should be able to look back on the wedding and know that it was ours.
I welcome opinions, I would not have posted otherwise. But if you have something negative to say please phrase it carefully. I have taken enough abuse from my brother over this already.