Post # 1
My FI and I met with the Rev. at the church & I am feeling uncomfortable after meeting her…While we would like to start attending church regularly and feel it is important for us to raise a family in a faith, but we are not currently active members of any church. We are looking at homes in a particular town and this church is in the center and heavily involved in that community. We liked this very much, we also want our marriage recognized by the church.. so it looked like the perfect place.
My FI and I planned to get married just the two of us for now and in the spring of next year have a celebration and vow renewal with our family attending. FI & I already live together and would like to do so as a married couple, FBIL & FSIL live across the country and cant afford to fly here with their children until next Spring, so .. we are planning a “wedding weekend getaway” for our parents, all our siblings, and a few BF, to attend in March of 2015. We had the idea to renew our vows and stay at a nice resort in Martha’s Vineyard at that time… Both FI & My parents are divorced and remarried, and it is simply not a good time for us to put them all in a space together .. should this keep us waiting to be married?
We met the Rev. today who didn’t understand why we had that plan, after we explained we love each other and just want to be married, and we are more interested in a Marriage than a “wedding”. She asked “why we wouldn’t just wait until next year” and we tried to explain again, she than turned to me and asked “not that it matters.. but are you pregnant??” … P.S I’m not ! She was a nice woman but I think her ideas are not in line with ours.
Im feeling very upset that our dream of a nice private ceremony is being criticized and ill-legitimized with questions like that.. ( and if it “doesn’t matter” than why ask? I was raised in a church my step-father was a Minister, I am actually ordained and I wish I could just officiate our own simple ceremony, (I can’t legally) What would you do? Am I being too sensitive? Would you go with a Rev. like we met today? I’m confused Has any one ever felt awkward about their J.P, Minister or etc ? Would you feel “diffrently” about a Rev. who has been divorced?
Post # 2
I wouldn’t have a problem with a Rev who was divorced. It sounds like this might not be the best church for you, are there other options that seem suitable that you can check out?
Post # 3
Mikitawedding: hmmm…if you feel awkward about her, i probably wouldn’t have her do your wedding. i might still give church a chance there, since who knows her sermons could be awesome and you may love the church family. but if at this point you’re looking to just be legally married (which is awesome that you’re thinking marriage over wedding, love it), why not just go to the courthouse?
Post # 4
Mikitawedding: I can definitely see why you would be uncomfortable. She should understand and encourage you to be married because of the love you have for one another. Maybe look for a different officiant whose values are the same?
Post # 5
I would be uncomfortable, too. Just search online for a local officiant-for-hire whose religious views are more in keeping with your own. We hired a retired Catholic priest to officiate our wedding, a wonderful man who was happy to incorporate any religious touches (re: prayers) we felt were important but insisted that we dictate how the ceremony should go.
Otherwise, head down to the nearest city hall and have it done there. A private ceremony will be just as special no matter where you do it, and much less uncomfortable with an officiant who respects your choices. You don’t need to explain or justify your choices to anyone.
Post # 6
It sounds like you’re not really meshing with your minister. I would try finding another minister to officiate.
FI and I were in a similar situation. In addition, I’m not religious, so it was really important that our pastor officiant respected me, us, our marriage, etc. Fortunately, the pastor down the street was very warm and welcoming, so it worked out for us.
Post # 7
No on the divorce thing because you never know why they’re divorced and there are biblical reasons for divorce.
Secondly, no, I would not go with this pastor. The reason being, I’m assuming by the terms pastor and church that this is Christian. You both want to be married and currently live together. Forgive me if my assumption is wrong, but does this also mean you sleep together? From a Christian viewpoint, premarital sex is not biblical and the Bible encourages couples struggling in that area to get married. If the pastor is discouraging you from getting married, on the basis alone that you probably want to attend a church where the pastor actually teaches the Bible, this isn’t the place. Did she give a reason why she didn’t want you to? You both share the same beliefs, and other than that the Bible says not to forbid people to marry, except they be of different faiths.
Post # 8
nestle: Thanks for the input, we dont feel she didnt want to perform the wedding, she was very willing to schedule it. She is very new at the church (several months) and the conversation was a bit awkward, talking about her ex-husbands new wife and such .. threw me off. I dont know if I’m ridiculously superstitious but I have feared divorce and bad relationships for as long as I can remember , after experiencing a split household, so I guess I was worried her energy would affect us somehow… Now I’m feeling better about all of it I guess it just rubbed me the wrong way. My parents only married because they were expecting my sister and I never got over how it turned out in the end, if it weren’t for that experience, I realized, I wouldn’t be so sensitive to that sort of question. MrsHalpert: I like your idea of another chance, I think We will visit the church again for service and than decide. Thanks