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OF COURSE you're not crazy for being upset about this! Would it help the situation if they knew why you ended the relationship? It just seems cruel that they're doing this :( *hugs* and apologies that I don't have better advice!
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are not crazy to feel this way at all. hugs!
See, theyre being so close with him that I doubt they would even believe me...
please let them know what an ASS your ex-husband was! they ought to know the truth. I worry that the more he hangs out with them, perhaps he'll be able to twist the events so they blame you more. even so, I'm amazed they'd rather stand by his side than yours. sometimes religion can really be a hinderance to common sensibilities. you're their daughter!! you're the real family! aghhh. I hope things improve!
My fiance says the same thing, he worries that they wont be willing to listen to my side, only my ex-husbands. I feel like they're pretending I'm dead so they dont have to deal with my choices...
This is ridiculous; I'm so sorry. You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. I'm not sure how you might get through to your family--would they even read an email? A letter? Take a phone call? (Do they have caller ID?) Whatever happens, I wish you the best...
They ignore all my phone calls and would probably immediately delete an email. I've thought about a letter, bt who knows if they'd put forth the effort to actually read it
show up at their doorsteps and say hey look, this is ridiculous, let me talk to you and explain my side of things. do you think they're still inviting/talking to your ex-husband in hopes that someday you two will get back together?
Either that, or theyre trying to put pressure on my relationship so that my FI will give up on the relationship. I realize how irrational that sounds, but its extremely plausible. If I show up on their doorstep they'll just tell me to leave, that they dont want any contact.
I figured. Do you have any friends who are also friends of your family and could maybe get a message in for you verbally? That would be asking a lot of them, but seriously, if they refuse to even acknowledge your communication, you have few options. I wonder if your family will loosen up over time.
All of my friends are of the same religion, so they have no contact with me either. The only person whose having contact is my sister, who is not of the religion, and my mother wont listen to her either.
Honey, this is heartbreaking. I can only hope they will come to their senses and realize you are more important than their rules. :(
How sad that religion, something which is supposed to be based on love, compassion, and forgiveness, is also the root cause of exclusion and heartbreak in your case. I am not, nor know anyone religious enough to know what to do, but if it was me I'd move FAR away with my new FI and write off my hateful, exclusive family pretty much forever. Good riddance.
@GoldfishPie: I agree. I'm assuming you ARE of the same religion as your parents?
The longer this continues the harder it will be for them to see anything other than his side. If you really want any kind of relationship with them, I'd find a way to get them the information about the Ex...will your sister intervene on your behalf?
My SIL has had the same thing happen to him, and I don't think it will ever be resolved. It's been over 2 years now since they've had any contact.
Just a thought, I don't know what religion your parents are.... but I know some conservatives feel it's okay to divorce someone who's cheated on you. (that's from my own particular denomination), especially considering there was abuse invovled.
Would it help your parents at all if they knew what your ex was really like? It may not make a difference but I think perhaps they'd re-think how they treat him if they knew him for who he really is. Just a thought.
I'm sorry you are going through this and can only offer hugs :( It's a tough situation and sucks for sure!
what religion is this?
even if it is some ultra conservative denomination of christianity, Jesus said he wanted everybody to forgive people. so even if your family still believes what you did was wrong, what happened to forgiveness? what about love?
if it is a christian denomination, send them colossians 3:12-14 in an e-mail... with the verses as the title of the e-mail. surely they wouldn't delete a biblical e-mail...? how could they possibly argue with that? no matter their opinion on the matter, if they are so conservative, they must obey God's word and he said to forgive, darnit!
My Fi said the same thing! He's fed up with their lack of support and overall cruelty... At least I have his family :)
I believe the same way, but because of my choices I was in essence kicked out. The thing is, they're taking it farther than our religion dictates, or I have ever seen i ttaken before....
In the religion it's only ok todivorce someone if you have hard evidencethat they have cheated, such as photos, a confession etc. I have none of those only my personal knowledge of the fact. Whatmakes it worse is that he was cheating with the girlfriend of one of our mutual friends. When I left hi. That mutual friend called and chewed it out for leaving. Even during that I still didn't tell his friend, not wanting to break up a friendship. And now my exhaust and is purposefully rubbing this in my face...
If I send them a scripture like this they'll reply with ones citing exactly what I've done wrong: divorce, fornication, etc. it's a part of our faith that when one is disfellowshipped the othermembers of the religion shun them to help the sinner realize what he or she has lost. That's what they're doing, only they're taking it to a whole new level.
I wish I had some advice to give - but I dont - I can only tell you that you're not alone. A girl I know was disowned by her entire family and community because she married a black man - which apparently in some circles of far right Evangelical Christianity is still frowned upon. Its been 8 years and they still havent spoken to her or met their granddaughter. I can tell you she is not consumed by hurt feelings and resentment - her husbands family has made her their daughter and she has mourned the loss and moved on.
Focus on the love and forgiveness - which is what religion is SUPPOSED to be about - and hopefully they'll realize how assanine it is to shut out your own family over some Bible verses that have been twisted in to something hateful.
OMG, this is horrible! I can't imagine disowning your own daughter over something like this.
Normally, stuff like your ex cheating on you I file under the nobody else's business category. This is an exception. You should let them know your ex cheated and lied to you. If they don't feel like jerks for choosing a cheater over their own daughter, then you're best off without them. Your ex sounds like a shameless douche. He doesn't have enough shame to cut contact w/your family makes it a bigger betrayal than the cheating.
I'm so sorry for all you're going through right now. Best wishes to you. I'm glad your FI's so supportive!
I don't know your family's religious affiliation, but would it be possible for you to sit down with the pastor of your parent's church and explain the situation? Usually, pastors are very well trained in dealing with tense family situations and your family might be more apt to listen to the pastor if they won't listen to you. I'm sorry you are going through this. It makes me very sad to see people who claim to be good Christians act this way. I may not be perfect but I would give anyone the benefit of the doubt and listen if they asked.
@FutureMrsPatterson: I am deeply sorry you are dealing with this.
I seriously would show up to your grandparent's anniversary dinner with your FI looking your very best and have a great time.
If they want to throw Bible verses at you to condemn you, I would bring up with the epistles say about the husband's duty to his wife and tell them how your ex was abusive,
The best revenge is to love your life hun. YOu have a wonderful new man. Your ex will show his true colors on day. As as say where I'm from, "God dont like ugly". People will find out what he did.
I only skimmed the posts, so I'm sorry if this was said already. Just be prepared for them to not care about why you left. There are some religions, mostly the very conservative ones, that believe there is no reason for divorce, even if you were abused. I'm sorry that they feel the way they do, but just rest assured that your now FI will be the one you have to lean on and get support from for the rest of your life. :)
I kind of had the same situation with my first husband. I was the bad one for leaving the marriage and he was considered the saint. My Mother wised up, my sister STILL is in contact with him, yet will not speak to me. I feel bad for you, I really do. It hurt me too at first. I now have brothers and sisters who have not communicated with me in over 20 years - they didn't even send a card or atteneded the memorial service for my daughter when she died unexpectedly 10 years ago. I have no advice. I eventually had to say screw'em and move on. I have dear friends who ARE my family and frankly I do not miss my blood relatives anymore.
Oh gosh! Hugs!! Talk to them and tell them what happened, but tell them that if they want to be in your life they need to listen to you and not judge and tell them how hurt you are.
Oh my gosh, this is just awful. Is your family Jehovah's Witness, by any chance? I was raised JW and "disfellowshipping" is the terminology that they used for publically shunning those they felt had committed a "sin." My family underwent a similar issue when my brother developed a serious drug addiction. It was absolutely horrible on my mom and my brother (all of us, actually), who needed support and unconditional love then more than ever.
Regardless, I am very proud of you for standing up for yourself in the face of your family's (and your religion's) unfair (and un-Christian) judgment. That required a lot of courage, and I hope you give yourself credit for that. Seriously.
As for your parents, if they are Jehovah's Witnesses, they are certainly taking things much further than the dictates of the religion would suggest (even though the religion is VERY conservative) and obviously losing sight of the one thing that truly matters: to LOVE. Unfortunately I don't have much advice to give you. It sounds like they have made up their mind--they are basically writing you out of the family. That is horribly, horribly tragic, and so obviously their loss because you sound like an amazingly strong, brave person. I would recommend doing whatever you personally need to do to get closure on the situation. See a therapist if you can. You have lost your closest community--your family, for goodness' sake--right at the time when you need it the most. If you feel it would help you to process the situation, then by all means write out a letter detailing your reasons for the divorce and how hurt you are that they have abandoned you in the face of the most difficult time of your life. But don't feel that you have ANY obligation to explain yourself to them, or justify your decisions.
Have you parted ways with the church, or are you looking to remain in the denomination? If the former, please know that it will get better. I know that this is very trite to say right now, but ultimately I consider my family's public shunning from the JW community to be one of the greatest blessings I have had in my life. There is a whole world of incredible people out there who are willing and eager to live out the ideals of unconditional love and non-judgment, and you will meet people who will form a new family with you (as you have already found in your fiance).
Again, if you are speaking of the JW community: I don't know what the politics of your particular church are (and I certainly don't have a ton of faith in the structure of the church as a whole), but if you are looking to remain in the community, is there an elder or someone in the community that you trust and respect? Even if you don't know them well, but they seem like nice, trustworthy people...I might recommend seeking one such person out to act as a sort of mediator between you and your parents. You can share as many of the details of your ex-marriage as you are comfortable with, and share how destructive you feel your parents' treatment of you is. It's been a while, so I'm not entirely sure what resources within the church are available to you, but undoubtedly there is a more unbiased person within the community (or even from another church nearby) who might be able to see the situation more objectively and reign in the witch-hunt that seems to be occurring in your congregation right now.
Again, I am so sorry, and I wish you the best of luck. Please, if you have any questions or wish to discuss things further, don't hesitate to respond here or to PM me.
((HUGS))
On the plus side you are free from their brainwashing and mental/emotional abuse. Let your ex have them. Sounds like he deserves it.
I'm so sorry.
Sounds like Jehovah's Witness. I had a friend who is of that religion and he was "disfellowshiped" because he had a child out of wedlock, but how he explained in his family was the only one allowed to speak to him but other members couldn't.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have done some pretty crazy stuff in my younger days and I just couldn't imagine my Family turning their backs on me. Even if your ex-husband wasn't abusive and you wanted out of the marriage, that should be your choice.
I am so happy for you that you found the courage to get out of the situation. I know you are hurting right now but try to pull a positive out of every situation that might seem negative. Life is to short not to be happy.
My friend and I became very close but could not date because I was not a JW. He tried to get me to attend services with him but I just couldn't. I'm a human being and make mistakes and I can't imagine people not allowed to speak to me because of personal choices I make in my life. No disrespect to anyone that is a JW.
I don't understand why a religion would teach its members to judge other members. Again I'm not trying to disrepect anyones religion.
HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS
Y'know, I don't really get all these religions with over the top rules. Jesus was forgiving and welcoming, have they never read the bible? Your parents don't sound very Christian at all treating you like that. Whatever happened to love and kindness, even to your enemies and those you disagree with?
All you can do really is tell them the truth, your truth. Then see what happens and be done with it. At least you won't be left wondering if there was more you could do. You'll have your conscience clear and know that they had all the facts and made their own decision.
Please don't take this the wrong way. Your family sounds like a bunch of brainwashed Jehovah's Witnesses. I think your mother is using you're ex-husband's presence to manipulate your feelings. It really hurts when those clsoest to us intentionalyy do things to harm us. Personall I say the heck with the whole bunch. Love your man, marry him and find your own happiness. Any religion that doesn't teach love, acceptance, and forgivness isn't worth being a part of. There is no religion on this earth and in the heavens beyond that could make me disassociate myself my child.
I agree with the previous poster a former JW. You may find this experience opens a window for you to experience personal growth and a more open-minded new outlook on life. What if you have children, Do you really want them exposed to a family that will disown them and take them through everything they are taking you through. I think not.
@sunrunner: "Y'know, I don't really get all these religions with over the top rules. Jesus was forgiving and welcoming, have they never read the bible? Your parents don't sound very Christian at all treating you like that. Whatever happened to love and kindness, even to your enemies and those you disagree with?
All you can do really is tell them the truth, your truth. Then see what happens and be done with it. At least you won't be left wondering if there was more you could do. You'll have your conscience clear and know that they had all the facts and made their own decision."
I really didn't get it either. But there's a difference between organized religion and personal faith. My parents took me to Church every Sunday when I was growing up. But I went to a liberal private school that taught me to analyze the text and think for myself instead of swallowing what the church elders wanted me to believe. My mom let me read Harry Potter, which was forbidden by the church elders. Eventually I left because I got into a huge row with my Sunday school teacher about gay people.
I was fed up with being taught all this hate, always being told to bring all my friends to church so we could convert them and save them from hell. I was fed up that the solution was always, obey this or else you will go to hell. The Bible says that God is loving, and forgiving. He gave his only son for us. I didn't understand why there was so much hate, when the lessons in the Bible are about love. I was tired of being fed what I was supposed to think and challenged my teacher to show me a passage in the Bible that proved that being gay, or supporting gay people was wrong. Not only could he not find a passage proving it, he didn't even show me the customary Sodom and Gomorrah passage. I asked why it was wrong when God loves us all? And I asked him how he knew that these people would go to hell when God is the one who decides? If God wants us to love each other, then how can love, between any two people, be a bad thing? Even if they cannot biologically reproduce with one another, there are plenty of orphans who can be adopted and given a good home in a loving environment with gay couples. Eventually my teacher ended the argument by telling me I was going to hell for supporting gay people. I hope I gave him something to think about when I said that so would he, since God was the only one who could decide that and he had just presumed to do so in God's place.
For a long time, I was agnostic. It took me a long time to figure out that I hated how organized religion has often masked personal agenda for power and suppression of groups of people, but I could still practice my own faith. I studied Judaism in college and attended reform services. I read biblical texts, and I believe in the good lessons to be learned from all the different prophets. I answer only to God, myself, and not to any man. You don't need to be part of an organized religion to have faith, and you don't need to give up faith because of organized religion. You know the difference between right and wrong, and that's what matters. Practice your life with goodness, celebrating love and happiness, even if that means that your family has no place in it. Your real family will be the people who do care about you.
This is an awful thing to happen! Stand your ground!
I left my abusive ex bf, and once I did that and moved back home with my parents he suddenly became best friends with my sister, my friends, and her fiance. My sister kept telling me he had changed (yeah, 2 months and an abuser can totally turn around).
I went to a party and was ambushed with "we invited him, he'll be here soon". Needless to say I gave everyone a piece of my mind and left.
I then found out he had moved to the city I lived in. So he was hanging out with my sister all the time.
Fast forward: about 6 years ago I found out my sister was going to a party for my ex since he "came home" to visit. I told her in no uncertain terms that if she chooses to see him then I can see who she is being loyal to and not to contact me. She was dating her now fiance, and he had no idea why i was so angry. When he found out it seems he talked sense into her.
At this point I have no idea if she still is in contact with him. He had emailed me when I completed school to say "congratulations" and of course add "I never thought you'd amount to anything"......about 4 years ago he messaged me on facebook saying "it's been so long i figured we could put everything past us"....when I bragged about my fabulous life in a message back I never heard back from him....changed my fb settings and haven't heard since....
so from my rambling story, I feel that your ex is doing the same...manipulating your support system to hurt you that way.....don't let him....I removed MYSELF from the people who chose to believe his version of what happened (yeah, I was the bad one.....*eyeroll*....he was verbally, emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive to me---found out after I left that between me and our roommate the rent was paid--including utilities--I was working full time and goign to college full time.....what was he paying?)
I would try to make sure that they know it's YOUR choice not to talk to them since they choose to talk to HIM
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Okay so here goes my rant:
My family is of a very conservative religion. VERY conservative. I recently got divorced and moved in with my fiance. These are huge no-nos. HUGE. Because of these choices, I am "disfellowshipped" which means no communication, ever. NONE.
So over the past two months, my mother has been inviting my ex-husband to all sorts of family gatherings. Ones that I am no longer invited to. This is not for the children. There are no children.
I've mostly let it go, as I'm still trying to figure out how to tell my parents that my ex-husband was a lying cheating abusive SOB. They have no idea.
I feel like if your child decides to remove herself froma situation legally and completely cut off ties from a person, even with those sorts of consequences, she must have a good reaon.
Instead, my family is acting like i simply dont exist anymore. I dont matter. But my ex is invited to whatever family get-togethers he wants.
This is mostly perpetuated by my mother. She hasn't talked to me, like an actual conversation, in two months. She talks to my ex every day.
Last night my ex husband was invited to my grandparents 62nd anniversary party, a very big ddeal in our family. I was not.
My parents arent even coming to my wedding.
Am i crazy for being upset about this? I feel like an orphan...