Post # 1
I’m sure this type of post has been seen countless times on here but this is my first post and I just really need to get this off my chest.
My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years now and he seems no closer to proposing to me today than he was 3 years ago. We live together and everything, and our relationship is great apart from my blues over waiting.
Unlike some waiting ladies, he doesn’t already have a ring, we haven’t gone ring shopping together, and we don’t really have a timeline at all.
I don’t constantly bring the issue up or anything, but when I do, it’s clear he doesn’t want to talk about it. He says things like “Obviously I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And of course we are going to be married someday.” Someday. But he won’t get any more specific than that.
It’s also hard with engagement announcements popping up left, right, and center on Facebook, with the majority of those couples having been together for less time than we have. He says things like “Who cares if some other couple gets engaged? We know that none of them have the relationship that we have.” That’s all fine and good, but then what is stopping him from proposing? And I have to deal with people constanty asking why I am not yet engaged. I’m not the one you should ask! Even my freaking gynecologist said to me “Where’s your ring?” the last time I had an appointment.
My boyfriend got a new, good job last year, and I thought this was a good sign because he always would cite needing financial stability as a reason for why we weren’t engaged yet. He can’t really use that excuse anymore, but still… nothing.
Sigh. I was hopeful with the new year that maybe it would actually happen in 2014, but I feel less and less hopeful every day now. The thing is that as much as I want him to propose, I also am I guess a little old-school and want to truly be surprised when it does happen. This may be what is stopping me from asking for a really specific timeline.
Post # 2
Have you tried making your time line clear to him?
For example: I want to have kids (or do X) by this age, and I’d like to be married for 2 years before having kids. So that would put us getting married around *insert time here*. You could also add how long you’d expect to be engaged prior to getting married.
If you don’t expect to have children you could still do it with other life events. For example buying a house in so many years.
Post # 3
Just wanted to say I basically could have written your post… except we have been together over 2 years but with a long history of knowing eachother.
My boyfriend gives me the same “they don’t have what we have” line when someone gets engaged and I am down about it. He also recently got a new, good job so his finances shouldn’t be holding him back either. Very frustrating. You are not alone.
Post # 4
I had a similar situation w/ my SO about 6 months ago. Anytime I’d bring up getting engaged, he’d pull the same lines as your bf. I got really frustrated over time, and the pressure from family has been hell. After valentine’s day, I just broke down and cried in front of him out of frustration (don’t do that unless it’s genuine lol). I told him that I know he loves me and all but without any clear direction about when things will get moving I’m feeling very restless and anxious. Much to my surprise, he calmly responded with a timeline, and we discussed it for a good hour. And that was that. Siince then, it’s been great.
I suggest you calmly bring it up, not as an ultimatum, but as a necessity on your end. Don’t pressure, but tell him that you want to get married and that you’d be able to put your worries to rest w/ a prospective timeline.
Post # 5
I totally agree with PPs. You don’t just need the “is getting married something you’d like to do in life” talk you also need to have a specific timeline talk too. It sounds daunting I know but BOTH parties should be able to voice their views and concerns so as to reach any sort of agreement or consensual “waiting” or “not waiting” period. A previous SO that I was “waiting” for after a 6 yr relationship once told me “yea…I’d love to get married! Sometime in my mid-30s!” And when that completely clashed with my desires (by about a full decade!) it was finally up to me to decide to wait or not. I chose not to. Waiting isn’t a passive thing, it’s a very active “I decide to wait for this man” thing, not a “I hope he will finally decide” thing. If it turns into more of the latter and less of the former you’re stuck in an almost-victim, blaming, resentful relationship.
different things are important for different ppl. Some ppl will want to get married after an important milestone (graduation, exam, birth of a child, death of a loved one, job promotion, etc), others have a very specific number in their head (18, 25, <30, 30+ etc.), yet others have a vague but definite idea contingent on their partner -hypothetical or not- (“when I meet the wo/man of my dreams.”). So as to UNDERSTAND what kind of a person your SO is you need to talk to him. ESP since it used to be “when I’m financially stable” and all of a sudden that wasn’t it.
once you understand what HE’S waiting for you’ll be able to take matters into your own hands and decide for yourself if you can relate/understand/agree/wait/whatever. But it’ll be YOUR decision ok?
<brave vibes your way>
Post # 6
I am in a similar place to you (been together for 5 years, living together, solid relationship) and I was getting very antsy. I was trying not to be pushy as I want him to step up all by himself and not feel pressured. But I ended up talking to him – I mean, this is our future here. It turns out he’s already asked for my Mum’s blessing and is just waiting until he gets a permanent job!
So I say, you should speak with your bf about your worries (a tactic I sometimes use when I think he will try to avoid a conversation is to have it out at a restaurant, or in the car).
Post # 7
My situation is very similar to yours. We’ve been together 6yrs, live together, and have a great relationship other than the sadness I feel for having to be waiting in a very similar way you are. We haven’t looked at rings, we’ve had several timeline talks and all he can tell me is he is getting closer to being ready and just needs more time. He tells me he can’t picture his life without me, he dreams about marrying me and having kids with me, etc, but he just isn’t ready yet. He can’t say what needs to happen for him to be ready other than having more time, although he is finishing up grad school right now…I agree with you in the sense that I do want it to be a surprise when it happens, if it happens…I’ve gotten to a place where I’ve talked with him enough about it, so now I’m not going to mention anything for a few months, give him space to figure himself out and then decide how much longer I can wait….I know he loves me and he wants to marry me, but he is a guy that needs more time than most to be ready. He knows I love him and I’ve told him I’ll wait the best I can bc I don’t want to pressure him, but that I’m getting really close to a place where I’m not sure if waiting will be so easy…you are not alone….
Post # 8
Suggest a timeline to him little by little through your normal day to day conversation.
Let him know what you want and don’t want but not in a demanding manner.
Men like to stall. Kindly let him know what he is doing and that this matter is important to you.
He says ‘someday’ …Ask him, “but do you WANT to be married to me”
I gotta tell ya, I choose not to live with my FI even though it was so easy to do so because some men think in their minds, ‘why go through a marriage, it’s just a paper-type-of-mindset.’ They get comfortable cause they getting the good stuff and they are good to go until they get some sense knocked upside their head, lol.
Hope it works out.
Post # 9
There is a lot of happy ‘don’t worry he has something up his sleeve surely’ stories which are great! My guy loathes change and did nothing that I was assured he would, so here is our story… it might help?
I was the same as you at 5 years but unfortunately when I tried to have the talk with my SO he was harsh and dismissive. Suggesting that I just wanted to do it because ‘everyone else was’ or that I was rushing him. I gave myself a walk away deadline of a year… it became such a symbol of inequality to me… he does what he wants and refuses me the opportunity to choose what I want (stay even though he doesnt want to marry, stay and know he does want to, go?) or plan my own life by not being upfront and honest about his intentions.
After that year had passed and I had tried to bring it up numerous times (not as a serious talk but the occasional ‘do you think we will get to do something like this’ at other people’s weddings) I hit my limit and broke down. I was so angry and felt so rejected that he was being so dismissive of something that was obviously important to me.
In the end we had a very serious chat about the fact that I deserved to know where we stood and that I was very hurt, he didnt even realise! Walking around in his own fog. I saw a shrink about it who helped me know what to say to communicate with him in a way he would understand (e.g. it feels like you have punched me in the chest instead of just saying that I feel hurt – apparently guys are very literal!) and it worked!
So now… we have a timeline, and he has the money saved andd burning a hole in his pocket.
Post # 10
WannaBeABride: sending you hugs!
I was in a similar situation. We were together around 10 years before I realised we weren’t on the same page. We had a great relationship, but he said he wasn’t sure he wanted to get married soon. Another year of fighting and therapy and we got engaged. He left 3 weeks before our wedding day. I should have just walked away when I knew we didn’t want the same thing at the same time
This time around I waited a mere 6 weeks before telling my SO what I wanted and when I expected it by. We’ve been together 15 months and he’s currently in the process of having my ring custom designed.
You need to calmly and rationally talk to him and find out what his time frame is. Then you can decide if he’s wasting your time
Post # 11
Thank you for all your advice and comforting words, everybody! 🙂 It’s good to know I am not alone. Some really good suggestions in here — I really appreciate it.
Post # 12
I’ve been with my SO for 3 and a half years, from the beginning we were really honest with eachother and had talks about where we wanted life to take us and the great thing was we both wanted the same things. We lived a fair distance apart and I stated I was not prepared to move, he was and moved in with me after 6 months. Given all that happened so quickly, I was sure a proposal was next on the cards. Time has slowly gone on and still no proposal!! It just seems everything else is a priority. He inherited some money early last year and we went on our first holiday together for my 30th (talk about opportune timing?!). Still nothing. I’ve gone past hinting now, I have outright conversations with him about it and still the same answer ‘ah we’ve just moved house, let’s concentrate on that first’ or yeah ‘It’ll happen someday’.
I’ve taken to this forum tonight because my SO’s ‘can’t tie me down’ best friend has just proposed to his long distance, only been together 6months girlfriend. MY SO has been asked to go to America (we live in UK) to be best man and my SO has accepted. HOW CAN THIS BE?!!!
I’m really starting to question, is it ever going to happen to me, is he ever going to take me seriously? I really love him, but I’m not getting any younger and weddings and baby planning etc takes years!
Any advice from ladies who did wait a long time but eventually got the proprosal?