Feeling butthurt about MOH situation

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Who is helping you most with your wedding planning?
    MOH : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Other Bridesmaid : (4 votes)
    8 %
    Paid Planner : (3 votes)
    6 %
    Mother or MIL : (15 votes)
    31 %
    Sister or SIL : (2 votes)
    4 %
    FH : (23 votes)
    47 %
    Father or FIL : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Brother or BIL : (0 votes)
  • Post # 2
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    This is very weird to me. I have never expected my MOH or my BMs to help me with actually booking and planning stuff outside of my bachelorette. Other than that they help with things like setting up the shower beforehand, keeping my veil straight, being there for moral support and generally supporting me. Why is your friend having her wedding party book things for her? Maybe this is a cultural difference I don’t know but i would never expect that of my girls. Not to mention, look at the extra drama it’s causing! You girls need to really get some perspective and your friend needs to step in and take back control of her wedding unless she really doesn’t care if her wedding party plans it. In my experience wedding planning has never been expected of the bridal party.

    Post # 3
    Member
    295 posts
    Helper bee

    I have nothing constructive to add…but a) I feel like she is taking you for granted and b) I would never be in a ‘group’ relationship like this–for anyone, that is just unreal.  Good Luck, you’re a good friend.

    Post # 4
    Member
    588 posts
    Busy bee

    I really don’t get it. So you wanted to be her MOH? But in your first paragraph you said she was a “2nd string bridesmaid”.

    My bridal party/MOH didn’t help with my wedding planning at all, but I didn’t expect them to. My wedding was planned by my DH and I, my mom, and the venue wedding planner. In weddings I’ve been in as a MOH, I’ve helped plan, but only because they asked and I wanted to. If I wasn’t the MOH, I would have done the exact same. 

    Planning isn’t part of the MOH role. It’s only something someone does if they like it.

    Post # 5
    Member
    6644 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Well first and foremost.  The wedding party is just that wedding party. They do not have to at all help plan the bride and grooms wedding that is on you know the bride and groom.  And any part of the bridal party planning the wedding is above and beyond what they actually have to do. The wedding party is just to be standing up for you. That is the only real thing that needs be done

    Post # 6
    Member
    8706 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    My MOH only had one job — Show up. I don’t think it is appropriate to expect the world of a bridesmaid or maid of honor. If a bride was requiring me to do everything for her, I’d step down.

    Post # 7
    Member
    446 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m a little confused. First you say that Kelly was a “second string” bridesmaid, and then you talk about how she is your close friend, and you are upset that you are not her MOH. She obviously appreciates everything you are doing, and trust me, you are going above and beyond. I wouldn’t worry about who is MOH or who is this bridesmaid or what. You don’t have to be the one to make all the phone calls to the venues, out of town guests, etc. If you’re not happy that you’re not getting the recognition or title, then don’t do more than is required of you. Just be there for your friend and don’t worry about the rest. It isn’t really about who is who or who does what anyway, is it? Especially if you are doing it because she is your friend, and not because you want the recognition. Just don’t worry about it. This isn’t a middle school popularity contest. It’s a wedding.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  .
    Post # 8
    Member
    943 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    First of all, I think you are being an incredibly nice person and friend. Please try and consider your friend’s point of view: She already asked Valerie to be her MOH, and there is no way that she can ask her to step down in favor of you without ruining that friendship. If you aren’t comfortable continuing to help with the wedding, you certainly don’t need to continue– you sound like you have helped enough! But otherwise, you knew you were not MOH when you started helping the bride, so it really isn’t fair to have hard feelings about it now. I’m sure the bride would have chosen differently if she knew how things would play out.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2642 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I always find it strange when people think that a BM/MOH has to do X, Y, and Z things to earn their spot in the wedding party yet the GM and the BM don’t have to do anything to earn theirs.  It’s great that you’re helping out so much, but just because you are doesn’t mean you deserve to be the MOH.  The wedding party is choosen because those are the people nearest and dearest to the couple – NOT because they can afford the dress,  are super awesome at DIY, can attend X number of dress fittings, or are the best party planners.

    Post # 10
    Member
    86 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - The Defoor Centre

    Songstress_7:  Exactly, I would not think of having anyone to book no more than the dancer for my bachelorette party.  I do not like being left in the dark about what is important to me.  Maybe she should lay back and let the people who are responsible for the things she is handling to let the MOH handle it or let the Bride herself take control.  It almost feels like she is feeling some type of way.

    Post # 11
    Member
    662 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    chickenbreeze:  This is currently my life. I am not engaged yet but I am helping my friend plan EVERYTHING. I have been to too many bridal shows, cake tastings, wine tastings and wedding appointments than I can count. I threw the bridal shower AND the bachelorette party…but I am NOT the MOH. Her family member is from another state. It kinds sucks because people do ask if im the MOH, but what can I do? Nothing really. Like you said, I did this all of my own free will. Why? Because I am damn good friend, and I just don’t want to stop being one because I am not the MOH. And to be honest…I don’t think I need to be MOH to help a lot. She also wouldn’t be my MOH (I have two sisters that I am very close with)…so I get it. My friend obviously needs the help. If she was acting like she didnt appreciate it, I would tell her it wasnt cool and move on. But she isn’t so, I’ll keep helping. Our friends know who is working hard for them, and thats all that matters. Best of luck to you!

    Post # 12
    Member
    668 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    FutureMrsJefferson:  huh…this thread has been very educational for me. I guess maybe it’s just not the way it is where I live or something but none of my friends had me or any other members in the wedding party involved in actualy wedding planning and booking. I mean, I htink they’d help if I wanted them to but it’s just not the norm. They are fantastic friends though and are always there for help and input if I need them. This has been very interesting to read. 🙂

    Post # 13
    Member
    858 posts
    Busy bee

    You are doing these things because you love your friend! As simple as that, i dont think you need a title to determine if you are going to do more or less. Some people just rock at this, like you and soem people its just not their niche. It is sad to see that your friend Kelly would ask someone to be ther MOH because she would through a fit if she wasnt, and unfortunately that is her issue. Just know that youhave done all that you can, and that your friend is hopefully appreciative for it. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    662 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Songstress_7:  Not gonna lie to you, I had no idea other people could be this involved either, haha. But my friend is an only child and only her mom lives here in state. She has 5 other bridesmaids and no one…no one lives here. They are sprinkled all over the country. One of them even lives outside of the country. Im sure if more people lived here, family or friends. It would be different.

    Post # 15
    Member
    552 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I’m in this situation but I am the bride. I only have two girls, my best friend is my MOH and my cousin is my bridesmaid. The thing is that when you’re picking your maids you don’t know in advance who is going to be more involved.  I thought my best friend would be a good MOH, we live close together and have been very close for many years. My cousin lives further away and we are close but not as close as my friend and I. It turned out to be the opposite.  My cousin has been so helpful with DIY projects, she would be out every weekend if I needed her, and she organized my bridal shower/bachelorette party. My MOH didn’t even attend. I feel bad that I can’t change the titles, but it would cause so much unnecessary drama. I just make sure that my cousin knows how much I appreciate all her help. Your bride appears to be in the same situation. Just continue to support her and know that she really appreciates what you’re doing for her. I’m sure if she could go back in time and change your titles she would, but once they’re set it’s very difficult and could damage her relationship with the MOH. In the end you know that you’re being a good friend and supportive bridesmaid and that’s what’s really important. The title isn’t the important part.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  luckyshot.
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