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OMG you're not defective! Talk to him - calmly, if you can - and ask him the question about college point blank. The other reasons do make sense, but ask him about the college question. You deserve to know. Also, be honest with him about the timeline, remind him of previous discussions. Please let him know how you feel, and please don't blame yourself for him waiting! There's nothing wrong with you, Tacos!
are you sure he wasnt pulling your leg? the week FI proposed, he told me (literally the 2 days before the proposal) that he thought maybe we should slow down the wedding talk....he did this to THROW ME OFF!!! I started crying, but I stopped marriage talk completely for those two days, thinking that i was scaring him....Then he turned around and popped the question a couple of days later, all within his plan! Dont feel bad, seriously, I am sure he has stuff up his sleeve and wants to catch you off guard as much as possible.
Re: the college thing. No, it is not a prerequisite to being engaged generally... but maybe it is for him? I don't know what your situation is or what your career goals/plans are, but maybe he is worried that you are not motivated career-wise? I don't think it is unfair to want to know that your partner has career goals and aspirations that they are working towards before you commit to being with them. Once again, I have no clue what your situation is so maybe you are working towards your goals in other ways... but (call me what you may), I wouldn't marry someone who hadn't completed a degree program, gotten a job, and shown some kind of ambition in that arena of their life.
awww ((((HUGS)))) tacos!!! what a crappy feeling.
i think men just need to feel like things are secure, and it seems like your man is just looking out for your best interests and for your long term security. i know it doesn't feel like that at all right now, but think about it this way: even if you haven't finished college by the time you get married, you'll be well on your way to having a degree that will get you an awesome job and if (God forbid) anything should happen to your BF, you'll be able to support yourself, which I think is really important in this day and age.
i totally know what you're going through with all the questions from family and friends (i got lots of "did santa leave you anything sparkly under the tree this year?? ugh!!), but they will be understanding if your timeline shitfs a little. i think you should continue to negotiate with your man and maybe try to reach some sort of compromise? it seems like there is some happy middle ground that could be found so you just need to keep working on it. the timing of your marriage can't be totally about fulfilling his needs and meeting his criteria. there's a happy solution, i know it.
Tacos, how old are you? He still hasn't met your parents? If you are still 'college age' and by that I mean 18-22ish, he might have a point. When you go away to college you change so much your old self is almost unrecognizable. People change dramatically during those years. And also, he might be afraid that you'll give up your dreams if you're planning a wedding and I guarantee that will come back to bite you later.
Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear right now. The other thing is, I gave FI a timeline too and we did have a few serious 'timeline' discussions. He would also make light comments about when he might propose and it was waaaay after the end of my timeline which lead to me giving him an ultimatium (and meaning it!). He wasn't taking me seriously. He hadn't bought a ring. He thought he could drag his feet and since I loved him I'd be okay with it. Let me tell you, I wasn't and he realized I was serious when I told him to move out and decide what he really wanted. We got engaged about a week later. The thought of life without me FINALLY sunk in and scared him so bad. Now, he thanks me for pushing him.
So think about what is really important to you and stick up for yourself. But if you are 'college age' I would seriously recommend changing your attitude a little about the timeline. You were right - in the grand scheme of things it's not that important as long as you two end up together.
Oh mmmtacos I'm really sorry. I would have a very very calm discussion with him about his memory of the timeline. I don't like that he's ignoring it as if it isn't important. Him being ready to get engaged is really important but so is how long you're willing to wait. You gave him a timeline and now he's acting as if it doesn't matter. That's not cool. If he didn't feel comfortable with it he should have spoken to you about it otherwise he should be expecting you to break up with him (I know you won't actually break up with him if he needs more time but he needs to communicate his needs). He's got to take you seriously.
I have a career which I am able to support myself with, but I make under $50K. I would like to go into pharmacy, but I am unable to get grants because I "make too much money".
Mr. Tacos makes a lot of money. More than I would make even with my pharmD. But he doesn't spend it. I do understand his feeling that I need to be able to support our family should something happen... but for me to quit my job, in this market, and start school without really knowing where we were going...? That is the most difficult part. I have to really take a leap of faith that he'll be there for me, because no one else is in a position to help. Should we end things, I will have to quit school and hopefully find a job with comparable income to support myself again fully.
My FI was adamant that we both had to be out of college and with jobs before he would propose. He refuses to be the reason I make choices and if I had found my dream job in a different location than him he wanted me to take it. I don' think there is anything wrong with waiting.
Also I was getting all the when are you getting engaged question before hand too. We started dating my senior year of HS and he didn't propose until 9 months after I graduated college.
Whoa mmmtacos that changes things a lot. I would strongly strongly advise you not to start college without a wedding ring, not even an engagement ring. What is he thinking?! You can't depend on him without that legal protection and get totally screwed in case of break up. If he wants you to go to college and not get married yet he should be willing to sign a legal contract saying he'll support you or something. He's probably just not thinking but this sounds very fishy.
Is he willing to transfer the entire cost of tuition of two year into your bank account right now? If not he has no business pushing college on you.
Hmm.. Okay. The problem I would have is that I would be depending on him for financial support while in school without any kind of commitment from him. That is understandable. Can you turn the tables on him and say you won't go to school without a ring? I know it's kind of extreme, but I can tell you are upset about the situation. You need to feel comfortable and safe in the relationship, I can tell you for sure I didn't feel comfortable and safe living with FI before we were engaged. Hence, the ultimatim.
tacos - you have a good point. i think, then, you do need a REALLY firm commitment if you're going to quit your job and go to pharmacy school. (yay for that - my mom is a pharmacist!!). i still advocate negotiating but i think you need to be firm about having "sealed the deal" if you will if this is your life plan and you should both be supporting each other's decisions.
Mine wants me to graduate college...(december of next year) Don't focus on engagment you probably might drive him nuts and then he'll be like forget it all together. Focus on school, have your own things apart from him, which I'm sure you do all ready. You are still very young..I am too (22), but engagement...marriage isn't all it is cracked up to be so why rush it...maybe he feels you are immature and need to grow..(I hope I didn't offend) My SO is really my first bf..I have dated before, but he is my first real relationship, and he wonders whether I need my time to enjoy life go out dancing meet other people before I get married so I don't feel resentment towards him..but of course I am mature enough to not even mention it anymore..we've discussed it ...and it will happen when the time comes...you should be worried about making your relationship last ..and take care of what you have ...talking about it ...pressuring him is only going to scare him away...because guys are stupid like that.
Well, I think it's a little different when you have had long term relationships and start nearing your 30's. You analyze direction a little better than you would at an earlier age, because - at least for me - I want to try to have a child. I've discussed this before also, both sides of my family have reproductive issues which usually end up becoming hysterectomys by the age of 33.
So everything is coming to a head. Mr. Tacos knows this. We had this discussion also. :/ I don't know. Maybe this morning was a silly flippant remark, because he said he wanted to do it on a "day special to him", but that day fell before his brother's wedding this year so it would have to wait until next.
I don't think he feels that you aren't good enough for him. Rather, it seems like he's trying, in a roundabout way, to make it clear to you that your future, fiscal and personal, joint and individual, is important to him. You're part of his big picture, and it makes sense that he would want to be sure that both of you are in a secure place before taking such a big step.
Put another way, if you weren't someone he planned to marry, I doubt he'd give a flip whether you went to college. His saying this indicates just how much he does care about the two of you and speaks to the seriousness of his intentions.
Thanks tea, that was a very thoughtful response and it makes a great deal of sense. Perhaps I blew this out of proportion.
I don't think your reaction is out of proportion at all! He's asking you to make a really big leap of faith without (it seems) truly appreciating some of the emotional ramifications.
Maybe this would be easier if you assessed the college thing on your own terms, idependent of its impact on your relationship with him? As in, "Doing a degree would mean X. Y and Z for ME," as opposed to "US." If that makes any sense...
It does, but without having someone to support me I wouldn't be able to still work a full time position in the field I am in AND take on part time schooling. To be honest, I would not have gone to college had he not offered this opportunity. I would have waited until after I got married.
Maybe he just wants to make sure that you are pursuing your goals as well? Honestly, if only one person in the couple is doing what they want, they will probably end up unhappy because the other doesn't feel fulfilled. I think he just wants you to do what makes you happy and he just said it wrong. If you want to go to pharmacy school, you should really start considering how you are going to do that now so that you can start it for you.
I really don't think that he thinks you are inadequate. I think he just wants you to be happy. And he might just be throwing you off the trail honestly, guys are sneaky like that.
@tacos - Not to get all off topic, but is there a particular reason why you're reluctant to use Federal Loans 9Stafford) to finance a degree?
I will have to get a loan, but for the fiest couple of years it would only cover part of my school costs. Regardless, after I get my first degree, I would have to begin paying the loan while taking out the pharmacy school loan... which will end up being in triple digits. I have a psychological issue with debt. I have never had debt before, aside from my car loan, which I paid off several years early. :/
Understood. I'm not a huge fan of debt myself. My FI's loans for law school are terrifying. I keep telling myself that it's the good kind of debt. Really. Yack.
(HUGS) Maybe he is trying to throw you off course?? I'm so sorry though :(
Perhaps talking to him about making sure that you two do things for you and not plan your life around other people and other things in your life would help?
I don't think you should feel at all stupid for being upset over this. I get the feeling like he is inventing reasons and excuses to postpone getting engaged and married because for some reason he can't make the commitment yet.
Going back to college sounds like a great goal, but I can't see how it's a valid prerequisite to marriage in your case (since you're grown-up and already have a career). In fact, given the financial situation, I wouldn't go back to college unless YOU really want to and unless you have a firm financial commitment from him (like you'd get in marriage).
Similarly, his insistence that he propose to you on a day that's "special to him." Won't the day he proposes be intrinsically special? And if he does want a significant day, doesn't the year offer up more than one option? The sentimentality is sweet, but a "this day or wait until next year" rule is a little extreme.
It reminds me of a friend who's been with the same guy for about 7 years now (since mid-college and now for a few years afterward). They have been talking about getting engaged or married for years now, and he keeps coming up with more life goals he has to achieve first. They were even planning at one point but then postponed. Because of course, each time he achieves the life goal, he comes up with another one. They sound so legitimate, and she loves him, so she keeps hanging on. But it is making her miserable. There is something going on with him that's keeping him from making the commitment and getting married.
It's like, each new goal sounds so legitimate and is just a year or so in the future...tantalizingly close enough for you to be happy, just far away enough for him not to worry about it. Could that be happening with you?
I completely understand your frustration and feel frustrated on your behalf too! It seems unfair in this world that if we want a man to propose to us, then he has all the power. I am curious, how long have you been talking about getting engaged? Have you made other plans or deadlines before that have come and gone? I am just wondering if there is a history of this behavior.
I sincerely hope that things improve and that this discussion is just a tiny bump in the road. ::hugs::
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I realize this is stupid, especially in the "big scheme of things" way. This morning we were joking about engagement, and I found out he wasn't actually planning on proposing to me until March of 2011... when I was expecting a proposal at least by end of summer into the fall, and hoping he wouldn't wait until the last minute in December when my timeline had ended. What upsets me is that he doesn't seem to even think about the timeline discussion, or really any discussion we had even though at the time he seemed thoughtful. When he saw how hurt I was, he said he'll change the date but that would really only give him "October, November or December" of next year, and that wouldn't be a surprise.
He says he wants me to be in college, to meet my parents, and for his brother's wedding to pass. I understand the latter two, but now am feeling defensive about college. Is this some sort of prerequisite of engagement now? Am I not good enough before then?
This means I won't be getting married until 2013. I feel like he isn't sure, like maybe I'm not good enough. My entire family always asks and pressures, my friends, my coworkers. I'm sure you all know how it is to get the well-meaning question from a coworker, "So...... when do you think?"
I don't even know what to do right now. I am so deeply hurt that I don't really want to be around him, but we have plans for tonight. I don't know if I should not talk about it, talk about it, or anything. I feel embarassed that I inferred we'd get engaged this year and I even told my family and friends.
I just feel like a defective person.