Post # 1
This year, My SO and I will be turning 29 and 28, respectively. Last night I had a talk with my bf about our situation and how ideally I would like to start a family by the time I’m 31. We met in Bschool 3 years ago and started dating 2 years ago. We are both career-driven and ambitious with where we want to be (financially). Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find a full-time job. My boyfriend has been beyond understanding and has never pressured me about not helping him pay the bills or rent. I completely agree with him when he says I need to find a job before we can get married. I feel so dejected because I know this is so true and it’s my fault. I’m frustrated at myself for not being able to find a job and I’m disappointed in myself for prolonging this process… How do you girls deal with waiting when you know you’ve found the man and it’s a matter of financial security?
Post # 3
That sucks- I am sending you MANY job vibes- although, can’t you both at least get engaged for now? I am not sure why both of you need to have a job just to be engaged?
I mean what if you found a job, then lost it after being engaged? Would he take away the engagement?
What if you found a job, got married, then lost your job? Would he divorce you?
I personally don’t think it matters financially in concerns of engagement. I do get it in terms of paying for a wedding or buying a ring that one must be employed or generate some form of income- but marriage is just a public commitment to stick by each other’s side through think and thin and an engagement is the promise of moving toward marriage. Unless you yourself aren’t comfortable with it, why is it being held over your head that these things won’t happen unless you get a job (unless you aren’t showing any initiative in looking for work and just sitting at home on the WB eating bon bons all day)? Once you get a job, you will be rewarded with engagement? Sorry if I seem salty- some of these men I have been reading about has been making me feel bad for some of you and wonder if they really understand what commitment is really about. This isn’t just I am around when things are going well and we can’t progress when they aren’t. And plus, you guy should give you a little slack- the economy isn’t just booming with jobs if he hasn’t noticed… I can’t believe he is withholding an engagement until you have a job. What if that isn’t for another year? What if you have to move to get one? Is he serious?
Please do not feel bad- this is not YOUR fault.
Post # 4
No, I completely understand what you’re saying, armychica06. I think you misunderstood. He’s not withholding an engagement. The purpose of finding a job before getting engaged is due to the fact that we don’t want a long engagement, just enough time to plan a wedding. I am comfortable with where we are in our relationship but I get selfish at times b/c I want that something sparkle on my finger.
I personally want a job before getting engaged ’cause I didn’t spent $140,000 to go to business school to not have a job after. It’s the matter of prioritizing my life. I would feel so much better if I had a secure job before getting engaged. I don’t see that I would be rewarded with an engagement if I get a job, I see an engagement as the next logical step to our relationship. I’m just frustrated at the job situation.
I know he has enough money saved for a ring and my parents have saved $50k for my wedding. We both have potential to make 6 figures, so I can imagine how much more we can save with two incomes. As I mentioned, he has been incredibly supportive and understanding in the past 7 months during my unemployment. It’s not solely based on our financial situation, but what we both want in our lives before making that commitment. We already live together and the only tangible thing that would change would be my last name.
Post # 5
OK- then I am sorry I still don’t get it. If your parents have money saved for your wedding then why not go ahead and get married now so that when you do find that job, you won’t have to worry about taking time off to get married?
I guess I don’t get the correlation of needing a job to be engaged however since you aren’t comfortable with it then that is all that matters.
Many of us women here aren’t in that position though- if our SOs would propose tomorrow, we would accept, job or not. But plenty of job vibes to you- I hope you find something soon.
Post # 6
I am in the exact same situation as you right now. I recently lost my job and my boyfriend does not want to move towards an engagement until I find a new one. I know that this is unfair and should not influence a proposal but for whatever reason, for him it does. I think that this is one of the hardest situations. Not only do I (as I imagine you must) feel desperate to find a job for financial reasons, I also feel like I can’t get the thing I want more than anything in the world (a proposal) until I do land that job. It just makes the job hunting even harder and then the rejection of not getting the job you interviewed for even worse :(. I don’t have any advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Let me know if you find out a way to deal with this… Good luck!
Post # 7
@infinityplus2: Yep, I’m right there too. Except I took an 8 month schooling program and worked several minimum wage jobs while in school. I was way overqualified for these jobs, but they went around my complicated school and clinic schedule.
My boyfriend found me working multiple jobs while in school as an area of concern, and until I can hold down my current job in my field (that mind you, I got almost immediately following graduation) for an extended period of time, he will consider marriage. Unfortuntely, this nearly killed the attraction I have for him, even though he never meant to hurt me by his delivery and said it in the nicest way possible. I was offended and nearly broke up with him. We patched things up, but I am far less excited about our future than I used to be.
Before getting this job, I too blamed myself for his concerns, but something about being gainfully employed did a wonder to my self worth, and I realized I care a little less about engagement. I would love to marry my BF, but I won’t try to prove anything to him. I also won’t wait forever to see if I pass the test before he can THINK about engagement. He’s not a bad guy, he just really values financial stability, etc. I don’t like to mix romance with money, but not everyone is like that.
I’m only sharing my story because I also took the blame like you are. But looking back, I had no choice but to work crappy jobs while in school. I never would have found a full time job that went around my schedule, so whatever. You may find that when you do become employed, you may feel better about yourself and get a different perspective.
Hope this helps!
Post # 8
Thanks LittlePenguin & Wife_Bris for your support and for sharing. For many relationships, even when they’re ready to take the next step into marriage, they have things they want to accomplish before getting engaged. For me, it’s getting my career on track. It makes sense to us and we’re comfortable with the decision. Don’t get me wrong, if my SO proposed, there’s no doubt in my mind I would say YES. I love this man unconditionally and we have a great relationship. Marriage can always wait (for me at least). We already live together, go on family vacations, have a joint account, speak freely about future plans, and do everything married couples do. If it’s just a matter of setting the date, yes it’s not a problem to wait. However, I feel that I should dedicate my time in finding a job because explaining a long gap in my resume is going to be more difficult than why it took my boyfriend of 2 years to propose. Because the latter is none of anyone’s business.
Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I was just throwing a pity party for myself, but I’m completely over it. I’m so happy to be with someone who is seriously my better half and one of the smartest people I know. If you find someone who makes you want to be a better person, not for him, but for yourself, he/she’s a keeper. Don’t fret the small stuff. Just enjoy your time and relish in the fact that all things happen for a reason and in due time.
Post # 9
@infinityplus2: I think I get it – you want to know you’ve accomplished something on your own, to show you can bring something other than your presence into the relationship. You’re not the kind of person who feels particulalry good riding on someone else’s coattails and want to show you can make your own way, and that you’re with yout BF because you want to be… not because you have to be (for finances, etc.)
Try not to be too down on yourself. Regardless of what Washington says, we’re still in a recession, and alot is going to ahve to improve before jobs come back and/or increase. If you are looking for something in a pretty competative field, it can take a while to get an interview – also, many people are “over-eduated” these days, as companies aren’t set to hire and pay college graduates what they are worth right now… they are cutting corners and down-sizing to keep as many employees as they can but adding laid-off workers’ responsibilities onto those still employed.
Keep applying, maybe take somrthing, anything, appropriate in the mean time to help add to the blank spaces on your resume… you want to avoid a “shelf life” of non-working time since graduation, as you’re right, it’s hard to explain away.